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I want to date this girl and found out her boyfriend could be cheating
So I met this girl in school and I've known her now for a year, and I really like her but she has a boyfriend. Now I'm friends with her on Facebook and I looked at her boyfriend and he looks like a low life, degenerate, douchebag. And I've called this girl sweet names before like sweet heart and stuff like that and she said that's one thing she likes about me because her boyfriend doesn't call her sweet names and I would take time out of my day to talk to her when her boyfriend wouldn't even talk to her when he's watching TV. But I went on one of those sites where you can look up people's info from there email and username and I found out her boyfriend has been on dating site and I know they didn't meet on one because they met in school together. But I'm not sure how I should tell or even if I should tell her at all. I was going to do it anonomysly through a fake email, because she already knows I like her, so I didn't want to tell her straight out because I know how girls think and she will probably think I'm a nut job or a psycho to go that far to get dirt on him and I don't want her thinkin I did I to break them up so me and her could be together. So I need someones opinion on what I should do.
Also
She's 15
He's either 16-18 I don't know because he can drive and I'm not sure if he lied about his age on Facebook
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This is a weird situation because if you tell her, she might respond differently than if someone else told her. I've been in a few situations where I've discovered things about friend's and close family member's boyfriends online. It's always a tough situation. You don't really know how her relationship is, just one side. You don't know if she already knows about this and has accepted it by allowing it to happen. Your situation is complicated in that she may wonder if you have ulterior motives in telling her (which you honestly do) and she may end up getting upset with the wrong person (you). I think the fake e-mail route is a good way to go because she does need to know and you don't want it to affect her relationship with you. Make sure you include hard evidence, screenshots, the link, etc. The problem with the fake e-mail strategy is that since it's so impersonal, when she reads it, it might not work. She may want to deny what's going on and not tell anybody. She may not want to believe the faceless paragraph on the screen or may not trust it because it was anonymous. If no one in her life convinces her that it's time to break up with this guy, she'll probably stay with him. It can't be you because then you'd have way too much involvement, which would come back to bite you in the end. She has already stayed with this guy after how she says he treats her so why wouldn't she just accept this too? What you can do to help with this is send an e-mail to one of her close female friends as well. It's likely that her friends don't like him either. The other problem with this strategy is that if she does break up with him and you do end up with her, you HAVE TO come clean about what you did. If you don't, you're no better than the guy she's with. Going behind her back and manipulating her life online isn't a particularly noble thing to do and is really rather cowardly. It's probably the right thing to do if it's what it takes for her to break up with this guy, but it isn't good and you know that. You have to consider the idea that if she disagrees with your methods, she may not be interested in you and you have to be okay with that because at least she's not with him. You risk losing her by getting involved at all. She will have every right to know that it was you so you will need to plan for how to tell her. Be ready to explain why and answer any of her questions. Set a date and make sure that you do it. If you know that you can't bring yourself to tell her, do not do this. Doing something that you can't be honest about would make it so that you don't deserve her, just like the guy she's already with. If you do send the e-mails and it doesn't work, you have to let it go. Do not get very deep into this. Once you've responded back and forth with like, one more e-mail, that's it. Set very clear limits for yourself. You don't want to become obsessed with this. If she chooses to stay with him knowing everything, that's her decision to make and all you can do at that point is continue to be a great friend. If the e-mail thing has started to scare you, another option would be to speak to a close friend of hers that you think you can trust. Explain to this friend what you found and explain that you don't want to be the one to tell her because of your interest. Tell the friend EVERYTHING. How you feel about her, that you were thinking about sending an e-mail instead, really, tell everything. The friend will sympathize with you. She may reveal to her where she got the information from, but she will probably paint you in a positive light. This is the more noble way and simpler way to go if you're brave enough to do it. Good luck!
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I'll be honest, that's a pretty rough situation. If you knew for a fact that her boyfriend was cheating, I would advise that you find a way to tell her. Even if it damages your chances with her, which it may, she deserves to know, and as her friend you would be obliged to.
However, since you aren't certain, the risk of hurting the friendship (and your future prospects with her) seems a bit high. Even if you do it anonymously, she might figure it out, and at the very least would probably suspect you. I can understand that you don't want to just sit on the information and do nothing about it though. The only option that I can think of, if you really think she needs to know, would be to inform a mutual friend whom you trust and ask them to investigate it for you. If they share your suspicion about his activity on the dating site and think she should know, they can tell her and you don't have to be directly involved. Ideally, this person would be someone who is very close to you, but only loosely knows her. Otherwise, they may also be concerned about alienating her through the information. Hope this helps.
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Hey there!
I don't think you should mention anything about that dating site to her. He could've been on that before they were dating, or maybe she knows about that. And even if she doesn't, it's not your place to tell her. The keyword in your question is "could", so if it turns out he's not cheating then you'd end up being the nosey guy.
Besides, if she's comparing you to her boyfriend then I'm sure she's thought about being with you instead of him. So just coax her a little more and tell her your honest opinion of the guy, and that he doesn't appreciate her. Ask her for a chance to woo her, maybe she'll take a break from her boyfriend to try things with you if things are as bad as you mentioned above.
Best of luck!
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