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Asking a guy to sleepover but not asking for sex, possible?
So this may seem silly, but I've spent the last few months getting over a 5 year relationship and everything seems to have changed in the dating world.. Feeling old >.<
I've been seeing this guy for about 2 weeks now (we got to know each other on online dating website for 1-2 weeks prior to that), we've been on 5 dates, and he's coming to my place this Saturday evening for diner. He's been here before and we've had a few intimate makeout sessions on our most recent dates, and we've mentioned sex in passing in previous conversations, but also briefly mentioned waiting for 'the right time'. We've both mentioned that we really like each other and that we'd like to keep seeing each other since the first official date. We've touched on exclusivity but it hasn't been a full on topic. Whatever, I don't really care at this point.
Finally, the actual question: Is it weird for me to ask him if he wants to stay over, without specifically 'asking' him to have sex. As in, I would not be asking him to have sex, but just to sleep over. I mean I wouldn't be totally opposed to it if he tried to make a move, but I don't want to be "that girl" and lead him to think that this happens all the time with everyone, or imply I just want sex. Honestly, I kinda just want the excuse to spend the next day with him before I go on vacation for 2 weeks.
It may also be relevant that I've only ever been with one person before (the 5 years guy was my first and only).
-Female, 24
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Sex isn't a subject for the timid, squeemish, or uncomfortable. But it is a very important one for two people trying to be in a relationship.
Of the two solid foundations for a healthy long term relationship, sexual compatibility is one and the other is being each others best friend and thats where all the things like respect and trust and such fall under.
Your own words were: "we've mentioned sex in passing in previous conversations''. I won't assume what you meant by that. Either you just mentioned briefly that at some point you'd want to have sex with whomever you had for a boyfriend, which conveys nothing to each other of any importance. Or you've had some in depth but brief sharing of of what you like, don't like, what boundaries you'd want. Anything other than in depth knowledge of what each other wants and expects is like playing Russian Roulette with a gun. Eventually, one of you or both are going to get burned.
Now in answer to your question: Is it weird for me to ask him if he wants to stay over, without specifically 'asking' him to have sex. As in, I would not be asking him to have sex, but just to sleep over. I am not meaning to be mean dear, but 'weird' is not what I would label it. Based on what I just explained above, you have got to admit to yourself that it would just be plain a 'dumb' move to assume that he knows what you meant by that invite. If you just want to cuddle and not have sex, then you have to be clear about that. Even then, would you be strong enough to resist if you became overcome with lust yourself, change your mind and go after him or he with you able to resist?
Men and women can often think, understand, view things, come to conclusions totally differently. Dont assume he is a mind reader or able to divine somehow what your intentions are. An easy way to do this is putting yourself in the other persons shoes, or turning the situation around. First then, if you were a man, how to do think you'd interpret a girl asking you to spend the night? If I had to answer that, as a guy I would think that the probably is very high that she wants me to make a move and make love with her. Not all guys would think to consider clarifying that because as volatile as sexual urges are, sleeping cuddled together is an extremely short step from foreplay and having sex. I can't tell you how many times the husband and i have gone to bed, both mutually agreeing that we were both tired, wouldn't do anything tonight but just cuddle and fall asleep, and yet the cuddling after some time was enough to arouse our interest despite our tiredness and we ended up having sex. Thats the more likely outcome to cuddling...and why I said it would be like you playing Russian roulette in which you are taking chances with your life. In your situation, you're taking chances with your heart, your feelings.
Now, do the exercise in switching the situation, not the girl asking the guy to spend the night but the guy asking you to come spend the night. If you as a female heard that, what would you assume. Would you automatically think he only wants to cuddle without sex? How would you know if he truly did at this point in the relationship....wanting to go slowly? There are guys who will wait for the female to make the first move to kiss and also to make love the first time. Both my current husband and many of past boyfriends were like that. I know that I would instantly have thoughts to that invite as a guy wanting me over to have sex with me that night. I would not know unless I asked him before accepting the invite. If I did not ask for clarification, I might accept but feel uncertain, and uncomfortable the entire day I am with him constantly wondering what will happen later.
There is no need for either person to be left wondering what the other means. There is no reason to know be DIRECT with a person and spelling everything out so there is nothing left for them to assume or imagine.
You know that saying about the word 'assume'? When we assume or expect the other will assume correctly, we only end up making an ass out of you and me, as in the letters of the word,
ass u me.
So dear, no assumptions, unclear invitations. And it might be good of you to clear in your mind what you are really okay with and get rid of some false ideas. Here's what you need to consider, why you feel the following: I don't want to be "that girl" and lead him to think that this happens all the time with everyone, or imply I just want sex.
Geez, at 24, I'd hope you have healthy sexual needs and urges. What you choose to do about it, you need to be clear about it in your mind and not ashamed to have them or want to take care of them. He needs to be clear if you are a virgin saving yourself for marriage, or if you have had sex before. He needs to know that you dont have sex with just any guy for the sake of sex but only when you are attracted to a guy sexually and personality wise. It is in fact a good idea to know whether any two people are sexually compatible before committing to a long term dating relationship or marriage. I married as a virgin to someone I felt attracted to but even so were not sexually compatible. What I mean is that neither of us was able to arouse the other enough to want sex. He couldn't give me orgasms, and I couldn't arouse desire in him for me, I was just used for his sexual urges when it got strong enough, not because he wanted me, just a hole would do...sorry to be crass but thats reality in some situations. I still loved him despite it all, and wanted sex more often than him, had to talk him into it. His libido was lower than mine and he was happy with once or twice a month...not enough for me, even if I wasnt being fully satisfied and had no idea what I was capable of until I dated after leaving him. It was then I really began to experience things sexually and it was only through boyfrineds i felt an attraction to in looks and personality and having a sexual spark.
Based on all I have said, You need to be clear with him and spell it out before you invite him over. Tell him about your fears of seeing you as an 'easy' girl and how thats why you are considering only cuddling. But in your heart you really would rather have sex with him. Its not a weakness to reveal that, won't make him think less of you, rather, some closeness and trust developed that you would reveal something intimate and trust him with it. Telling the truth is always better, even if it's something fear based. It give the partner the opportunity to support you and build you up verbally. Something important to know a guy is capable of.
Good luck dear.
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I would just ask him to stay over and tell him that you just want to spend more time with him, and not necessarily have sex. If things start heading in that direction you can put the brakes on.
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To be honest. I would just straight up ask him if he wants to spend the night. Make your intentions clear that you don't want to have sex yet. Just be honest.
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