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How would you interpret my moms (AGE 88) comments
I DELETED THE OTHER POST BECAUSE IT DID NOT MAKE SENSE SO REWROTE IT TO POST IT NOW AND THIS MAKES SENSE. I COULD NOT JUST ADD DETAILS ON THE PREVIOUS POST BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE SOUNDED LIKE GIBBERISH SO HERE IS THE NEW POST THAT MAKES SENSE.
Yesterday morning I (AGE 59) asked her did she remember what she said a week ago and she first said in a nasty way "No but whatever I said I meant" Then I said a couple of things which made her say "Whatever I say you twist and turn even if it is in your favor" and I asked her to clarify and she said "Well if I tell you that you look nice today then you would say 'why you dont think I looked good yesterday'". I walked away and then a few minutes later I came back and I asked her what do you mean in my favor and she said the same thing "If I tell you I like the way you look you take it to mean that I didnt yesterday" Then about in the car around 2PM today (I was driving because my car was in the spot that we pay for) I said to her "So what you are saying is that if you compliment me one day and you dont the next day I would get upset" and she said "I told you that a million times"
ORIGINAL STORY A WEEK AGO
I drove her to do some chores and I said to her 'Are you really putting down my clothes' and in a sarcastic way she said 'Yes I am'. Any way I dropped it and when we finished part of the chores she had one more chore to do so as I was driving her to that chore I decided to ask her again about my clothes and she replied "I would never even tell you if I liked something you were wearing because if I didn’t say I liked what you were wearing the next day you would get upset”. So I teased her about that answer. At the next chore after she finished she said to me in the car after I pestered her a little more "There are some days one looks better than others”, which got me upset and I asked her to clarify and she said "The hair can look better some days than others, one has no make up on”. We said a few other things which made her say "I would never tell you when you look great” (THIS WAS THE LINE THAT GOT ME REALLY ANGRY BECAUSE TO ME THIS IS IMPLYING I DON’T LOOK GOOD UNLESS SHE THINKS SO. Then three days later my mom and I were fighting and during the course of the fight she said "You used to dress nice, they were expensive". She claimed later on that day she only said it to get rid of me, but she wont admit it now. She also tells me she doesnt have to say what I tell her to say because I said to her "All you have to do is say 'I only said you used to dress nicely because I wanted to get rid of you, and when I said great I just meant that if I liked something and complimented you that day and not the next you would get mad". She
JUST TO LET YOU KNOW HOW I DRESS BEFORE YOU READ THE STORY: I WEAR VERY NICE PANTS, WITH A BLOUSE THAT IS SLEEVELESS WITH A LONG SLEEVE BLOUSE UNDERNEATH THE SLEEVELESS TOP, I DRESS CHIC AND ELEGANT. I DO NOT WEAR TANK TOPS, JEANS, OR SKIRTS OR DRESSES. BUT I DRESS VERY FEMININE. IN THE WINTER I ALSO WEAR SLEEVELESS SWEATERS WITH A LONG SLEEVE BLOUSE UNDERNEATH THE SWEATER OR A TURTLE NECK UNDER THE SWEATER
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Maybe give some free advice about: What does it mean??
I'd have to say that one or the other of you likely has some issues going on or perhaps both of you. I am no professional doctor, but at her age, mom could possibly have some issues with her memory or some other such thing.
However, you did share in detail some conversations and your reactions and questions, and how your mom said your mind follows and interprets any spoken words. Just on the off chance that mom isn't making all this up and there may be a nugget of truth to it, wouldn't you want to know if some of the problem lies with you? That way you could learn to deal with it, do whatever it takes to improve yourself.
she said "Well if I tell you that you look nice today then you would say 'why you dont think I looked good yesterday'"
The normal response to "You look nice today" would be to respond with "Thank you, thanks for the compliment, thanks for noticing." It would not be a response of dissecting something a person says and assuming it to have a totally different meaning. From your descriptions it sounds like you get upset easily in conversations and that how you dress and look is the only thing really bothering you as far as what other people think. This is a common problem with middle school and high school girls so worried about how they appear to others and just wanted to be accepted, not stand out, not get teased or put down. I know nothing of how your parents raised you or other childhood experiences but if you are extrememly sensitive to the point you can't ignore something mom said or interpret her meaning wrong, then something is wrong because it sounds like a person with a self confidence issue.
OR....and this is a big one...it may be that you have gone your whole life without having a learning disability or some type of cognitive disability being discovered. To you, you would seem perfectly normal and you would be extremely frustrated if conversations with people didn't go smoothly ever. There is a possible chance that how you hear what is said and interpret it truly is the problem. That would make for issues of course not only with mom but any other people you interact with. If you do not work and hardly ever leave the house, then its possible you've not had a chance to see that this happens with other people too. I could be totaly wrong and barking up the wrong tree. But if there is just the slightest chance that you are the one having issues, it would be in your best interest to see a professional, have a psycologist work with you on retraining your mind how to come to proper conclusions in thinking. Much headway has been made with discovery of and treatment of many cognitive disorders since the time you were a child. Once adult hood was reached, people are beyond the age that drs and schools look for learning disorders or thought disorders in children and go their whole life without training how to learn way to deal with their disability. It doesnt make any of us less than a person. Just that we learn different ways to be able to do the same things others do naturally and easily.
If you can rule out that you have no disablilties, then it might be time to have a doctor look at mom. Perhaps there is something she needs help with from a doctor.
Just an aside: If your mom reacts in frustration with you and anger, it could be that she is very tired of trying to work with your way of reaching conclusions cus its been going on your whole life and doesnt fit the way most people think...thats if you really have a disorder. Go see a doctor hon and give them examples of the conversations you gave us here because they have been trained to spot any problems a person may have and how to help you treat it by educating you.
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Hello. I wish I could say it is nice to see you here on Advicenators again, but it's really not. When your obsessive, repetitive questions about your mother stopped, I had hopped you might have sought out counselling or support for yourself, since that is clearly what you really need.
Both you and your mother are aging, and you need to find healthy ways to deal with these conflicts. They are not worth extreme the anxiety and unhappiness you seem to feel. We can't cover that on an anonymous advice site. You need more than we can offer here.
Please, speak to some sort of support worker, through your church or through a group for seniors, or some other social program. It might be wise for both of you to start with your family doctor, and have a full check up to see if there is something physical contributing to your agitation. Coming here to ask advice questions, over and over again, is not the proper way to deal with these issues. Your problem is not your petty disagreements with you elderly mother about your clothing or jewelry. Your problem is your inability to handle these conflicts in calm and reasonable ways. We are not qualified to give you the help you need. Please go seek it out in the real world.
EDIT
I understand this upsets you, but the answer you NEED is the answer I gave you, even if i's not the question you asked. The answer you need to hear, is that this isn't the best place for you to seek help or air your frustrations. We are not equipped to help you.
You may feel this rude, but it's also entirely honest. Your question here is only a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself. I remember many of your previous questions and how you rehashed, over and over and over again, every single detail of perfectly normal conversations with your mother and your friends. I remember how you wrote and reposted essays, tried to dissect every single sentence, and how you constantly sought other people's interpretations and agreement with you. It wasn't a healthy way to behave then, and it's not healthy now. I really hope you don't start doing that again. Talk to a doctor or counsellor instead. That is where the help you really need is.
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