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Should I break off my engagement and follow my dreams?
To start off I'm 20 years old (well officially in August anyways) and I've been with my fiance a year and one month. We met at a bowling alley and four months later we were getting a place together. We've lived together ever since and he proposed to be on our one year anniversary.
I love him more than I ever thought I could love anybody. He's my very best friend and I die inside thinking of him not being in my life.
Something is wrong though and I don't think I can go through with marrying him. We haven't been intimate in almost three months and more and more I find myself aggravated with him. He's not the dream man I pictured married and I know there is no such thing as perfect but all of my friends think I can do better. He plays video games every night for hours as soon as he comes home from work, he throws his clothes everywhere, refuses to shower more than once every several days, brushes his teeth seldom, he won't clean and he can't cook. Lately I've been wondering where all his money is going as he never seems to have more than $50 even though he makes around 2k a month and he only has to pay half our bills (which if I do the math doesn't add up) since I pay the other half. He always has to have the last word and thinks he's right 100% of the time. His arrogance is equal to his ignorance and he has no remorse for the sick or dying. He hates my parents and hates all my friends.
However he's as funny as can be and charming, he's sweet to me and loving when I really need him to be, he tolerates my bad moods and has always been very loyal to me. He has his own car and like I said previously has a full time job and pays his side of the bills which is a plus for people as young as us.
I do all the cooking and the cleaning and I pay my half of the bills, I also work full time and have my own car and more bills than he does and I know at times I can be a handful as I tend to be a bit emotional. I support him in everything he does and love him no matter what he does, I always forgive him and find ways to make our life better.
Lately I feel things haven't been going well. He seems to be listening to me less and less and playing video games with his friends more and more. He comes home from work late and doesn't seem to want to spend much time with me though he insists he loves me when I confront him about it. I'm growing tired of his childish and gross ways and I don't want to spend the rest of my life playing mommy.
Last night an old friend I used to speak to before I even met my fiance came back into my life. I'll be honest I met him online but texted him for years and got to know him. I stopped talking to him for about a year and half maybe two years and last time I spoke with him I felt like he was the one for me and that we had so much in common but at that time the circumstances were all wrong. I was still living with my parents and didn't even have a car to see him with or any freedom at all really and noting to offer to a relationship. Obviously now I do and he's made it evident he's still very interested in me and yes, I've told him about my fiance and everything else. He has the dream job, the dream car, he makes a lot of money, he's very intelligent and boasts about all the places he's been and wants to take me to. The only thing that doesn't seem right is the fact that he isn't and hasn't been in a relationship as long as I've known him or at least not one he's come clean about. He's told me of a fling and that's it and said he didn't feel about her like he did about me and that he didn't want to lead her on. If he has such a perfect life then why doesn't he have super models flocking all over him and why is he interested in me? He's sent me flowers, chocolates and a teddy bear before and wrote my name on his lamborghini in snow one winter and sent me photos...
He seems to be everything I'm actually looking for and because he's much older (in his 30's) than my current fiance he's also much more mature. The temptation to see him is weighing on me and I feel like if I miss the chance to know how we would be together I'll regret it and wonder about it forever. I want to at least meet him and I've already discussed bringing a friend with me if I did to ensure my safety and he was fine with that. However I don't want to throw away my current relationship either as I said before I love my fiance but I don't want to waste my life with him either when I could have been looking at my soulmate this entire time and never even took the chance...
A life spent with him (even if not permanent) seems much more beneficial than a life spent trying to make something of myself in my current relationship but how do I even go about finding out how real this guy is without the potential of getting myself killed or something and how do I know if my current relationship is worth sticking around for?
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Honey,you arent happy! You have ana amzing oppourtunity to be happy!! Your fiance doesnt seem like he make you happy or support you and I don;t see him giving you much personal support.
This man that is in your life is very serious,and its a sign that you should end things with your fiance before it goes any further.
Regarding your fiance,does he know about this other man? Will your fiance support you in watever you want in life? Is he mature enough to handle the rest of his life with you?
Bottom line,if it feels wrong to stay with your fiance,listen to your gut and heart and sit down face to face with your fiance and gently tell him you cannot go through with this
Be blessed in watever you choose!
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You're not happy in your current relationship. That's just the bottom line. You may love him, but it doesn't mean he's the right guy for you.
There are some things that can be fixed, like talking things out with him. Then again, he might not listen to you. Then there are things that probably won't change.
Like the way he takes care of himself, or should I say the way he doesn't take care of himself and the fact that he doesn't care for your friends or family very much.
Maybe you can handle all that stuff right now.
But you're engaged to be married to this guy. Can you live with cleaning up after him, living with a guy who doesn't shower or brush his teeth?
He may have some positive qualities to him, but it seems like the negative outweighs the positive.
But don't break up with him just to go running to this other guy.
I mean this other guy is twice your age and is interested in a 20 year old. That's not normal, well maybe just for a hook up or something. Plus, he hasn't had a serious relationship and he's 30?
Obviously there are red flags. If you do meet him, be safe about it and don't ignore any of the red flags.
It doesn't sound like your current relationship is worth sticking around for. Just ask yourself if you can handle all he is for the rest of your life?
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Your current relationship may be over. Just do not make this decision based on the fact that Mr. Wonderful has suddenly come back into your life. There are unforeseen problems there too and one problem you are already concerned with.
Let’s take one problem at a time. Your fiancé: You write that you two "haven't been intimate in almost three." Was everything okay in the intimacy department prior to then? Meaning did you have what you felt were normal sexual relations each week or about the same as when you first started to have sexual relations.
Sometimes when there is a sudden change in a male libido there is reason for it. That reason does not have to be a problem with their spouse or lover or that they have found someone else to supply their sexual needs. In fact the majority of the time it is related to stress or a physical undiagnosed illness. Are you aware of any stressors in his life such as at work? Other than hating your parent, which is not all that unusual in a relationship even in marital relationships? Are there any problems within his family that could be causing him stress? Could he be suddenly into drugs, could this be where his money is going? If you love him as you say you do these are questions you need to get answers too before you toss this relationship to the curb?
You should try to get him to visit his doctor. Tell him you will make an appointment for him and go with him if he would like. When you make the appointment inform the nurse or appointment secretary why he is visiting the doctor. Tell them of his lack of sex drive and it being a recent change. IF you are unsure if he is using drugs suggest the doctor screen for drug usage when the drug panel done as part of a physical is sent off to the lab. Also suggest he be screened for depression as it is possible that the stress has caused depression or depression has caused the stress. The lack of sex drive will have the doctor screen for low-T as well.
All of the above are possible factors in why your fiancé is acting the way he is. If so he really doesn't know why his is the way he is and it is frustrating him as much if not more than you. If you love him as you say you do try and get him to a doctor before you walk away from him.
Now about Mr. wonderful, I apologize for the wording though I can't think of a better way of referring to him. There is something wrong here. Why is a 30 something interested in a woman more than a decade younger than him? When he was 20 you were less than 10 and he is telling you he has never had a serious relationship??? This is sending up all kinds of red flags. Your concerns about this guy in your last paragraph are spot on.
My advice is to use different search engines to try and check this guy out. I have also heard there are some websites you can go to that may have dating information on them from other women about him; I just don't know what they may be. To be honest though he seems too good to be true.
My advice is to try and find out why your fiancé is suddenly the way he is. IF your fiancé refuses then it might mean one of you has to move out. If this is what happens then do not go running of into the arms of Mr. Wonderful. In fact I suggest you forget him and tell him so.
You are 22 there is no reason to run out and marry the next guy to come along. There is a guy out there for you. Maybe it isn't your current fiancé but there is a Mr. right out there for you. I'm just as sure of that as I am that Mr. Wonderful is not what he says he is or is the person you should be running to if this relationship fails.
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It's over. When you break up with your fiancee, be decent to him. This is no-one's fault.
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