|
My nanny wants to screw my husband (and maybe me too?)
I enjoy the stability and trust of monogamy--and while my husband of 3 years has had fantasies that involve him watching me have sex with other men, he hasn't ever been after other women for himself, even in fantasies--and our sex life is fantastic. I feel happy and safe in our marriage. We have a newborn baby and a "nanny" who is a 20 yo distant relative of mine volunteering to help me in the 5 months my husband will be away with the army in exchange for cost of living and a few large purchases she'd been wanting, which is much less than daycare since I'm in college and not working. My husband's leaving in 3 days. We liked her from the start. She's very sweet, gentle, nice, fun, and just beyond great with the baby.
I know her inclination is bi/poly, and I'm fine with whatever she wants to do in her sex life, but that's not my turn on. My husband came across her blog, and while it anonymized us, she was 100% clear that she plans to f*ck my husband "if he's game." Her examples of his initiating flirtation during the 5 days she's been here were unequivocally benign friendliness with maybe a dash tone-deafness... and I was present for all of them listed. (Before you cry naïveté, HE showed ME the blog the second he saw it, obviously he's not trying to send below the radar messages)
I feel angry, threatened, disrespected, but for what? She has a crush and she's fantasizing, nothing has happened and nothing will; he's leaving in 3 days and there's a lot of sh*t he has to do still, be practical. What's more, she's not trying to displace me, she doesn't want a husband or monogamy, and in fact, she also wrote things that may be fantasies about me, at least my husband is convinced of it & loves the idea, of course, because he likes the idea of other people wanting me, but him having me as his wife. I could see why he thinks that it's about me. Her clear emphasis is on him, however, and I do NOT like the idea of other people plotting to screw my husband.
He's a bit cavalierly confident in us. While he comes from a stable home and finds it inconceivable that we could divorce, I come from a f-ed up family full of steps and exes (remember how I said at the beginning that our houseguest is a distant relative? Also from a broken home) and I panic at the reality of how quickly people leave each other. Our marital commitment is so deeply important to me that her lack of respect for it makes me feel on edge and distant from her, and yet I don't want to be cold to her, because she's not trying to hurt me and I feel genuinely sorry for her because she's in many ways inexperienced and has got her heart just hanging off her sleeve. To interpret such small courtesies from my husband as encouragement is a sign of a lonely girl, a little delusional, even. Is this dangerous, though?
My husband says I should just be aware, but not alarmed because there isn't a threat, and to just let her stay to help me while he's away. He doesn't want to make a big deal about it with her or let her know we know because it's not worth making things weird when she'll find another crush quickly as she makes more friends in the area. I want to put it on the table and make our expectations clear. She has repeatedly raised the topic of her attraction to couples our age and I've immediately changed the subject. I'd originally worried that the awkwardness would be her having a crush on me--we thought she was more gay than straight. If that's still a possibility, I'm just not sure how to elegantly divert a crush when we live together. What I hate most is that small part of me looking forward to my husband leaving to make her quit mooning over him. I don't want our last few days together for the rest of this year to have any eagerness to see him go roiling beneath the surface. I feel really conflicted.
Should I worry? Should I confront her about this? Should I kick her out? What's the worst that could happen?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Hello dear. Someone wrote from your advice account asking advice a yr ago regarding not wanting anyone but your husband. Just wondering if it was you.
I answered on that question because i have some experience/background with alternative sexual situations.
I am going to trust that any talk about sex with others has been relegated to just the fantasizing arena and neither of you has any inclination to go after someone else. If you know he has no want or secret desire to experience something as a fling or a 3 some, then you should have nothing to worry about regarding this girl.
Were you two checking her out by looking up her web accounts? Sounds like both of you were surprised by what she wrote in the blog. You shouldn't feel bad for having come across the info but it's un-necessary to throw that in her face as a tactic to warn her off.
Basically it sounds alot like the fantasizing of a young gal having a crush on an older guy and these kinds of crushes happen regardless of whether the guy is single or married. She did say "if he's game", which might feel threatening to you that she will attempt to go offer herself to him but there's no way to know how serious she really is. Many people say things that they are not seriously considering, like: "I'm gonna kill you".
Teen girls normally go through a period of time where they desire approval that they are pretty from who ever is the resident male in their life, usually Daddy. This occurs usually during puberty when girls want the attention of boys their age and want to know they are truly beautiful and desire-able to males and the closest male in their life is usually dad. I was more clingy with dad and wanting his approval, not in a sexual way though. Maybe due to the life she had growing up, she never got that so she is still trying to find that approval.
There is no way to know if she would have the guts to approach your husband this way.
Have a talk with hubby about your feelings and concerns if you haven't told him whats going through your mind. Give him the opportunity to lay your concerns at rest.
There is no need to do as you stated " I want to put it on the table and make our expectations clear." over a suspected possibility of her making a sexual advance on your husband. That only becomes a necessity if and when she does. She may not be the only one who ever attempts this if she does get bold enough. Married men will always have a possibility of someone other than his wife coming after him. Whether the husband is susceptible to making himself available to another depends on if he is totally happy and satisfied with his wife and wife with him, and has no desire for experiencing any other woman in real life. I have a husband who's totally satisfied with me. He tells me all the time how sexy I am to him and how he always dreamed of finding some one like me and how I totally satisfy him. I know this to be true by his actions and reactions.
What you need is enough assurance from the husband how special you are to him so that you can also have the confidence that no one could ever turn his head. If thats not an issue, then you are simply over-thinking this and letting negative thoughts rob you of your peace.
The only real concern I would have would be whether I could trust her to do well with baby.
But do talk with hubby. Its important to talk to him because it was important enough for you to write us concerning it. He needs to take this seriously, if you are bothered by it and discuss this from all angles with you. Good luck.
]
Let’s start with; "What's the worst that could happen?" You have not said, or at least I haven't read that she has made any type of real advances on either of you, only what you read on her BLOG. So the worst thing that can happen is she makes an advance on one of you or she makes an advance on one of you and somehow one of you succumbs to it. For the latter I see you as the one who would have been more vulnerable one in the months ahead as you grow lonely for your husband had you not been aware of her intentions.
Now that you have reasons to be aware or at least believe what you read in the BLOG is her writings. You and your husband have every right to sit down with her and ask her, in a non-confrontational manner as possible, if this blog is hers. If she admits it is her writings then you have three options which you and your husband should discuss in advance which of the three best fits makes you both comfortable.
Options:
1. You thank her for her offer to assist but her writings make you both uncomfortable and you will explore other options for assistance. You assure her that what has happened will remain between the three of you and you will not embarrass her by revealing this to anyone as long as she leaves quietly.
2. You explain to her that you two are in love with a strong commitment to monogamy and what she has written while upsetting to you both will not be held against her. If she can agree that her writings can remain just a fantasy, everyone is entitled to their fantasy, she can stay and you will continue with your agreement with her. If she cannot agree to keep her fantasy as just a fantasy then you will explore other options for assistance. You assure her that what has happened will remain between the three of you and you will not embarrass her by revealing this to anyone as long as she leaves quietly.
3. This option has more to do with if she says it is not her writing, not her Blog. You seem convinced it is her blog in which case I believe you will be more comfortable if you ask her to leave. You tell her this and once again explain this remains between the three of you.
While the proceeding is my advice to your questions I would be remise if I didn't add the following. IT is surprising how easy it is to read yourself into what you may read in a blog or social web site. While whatever you are looking at may not be 100% you it is close enough that you see yourself or your family in the writing.
Acting on this information can be extremely problematic for you with consequence for more reaching then the problems you have related here. These can be dealt with when and if the occur. You and your husband trust each other which is important. As I said the bigger problem will be loneliness for you while he is away. This is something she could prey upon if she is the writer of the blog.
If she is not and you confront her and send her home; you open yourself to criticism from the rest of that side of the family and possible separation from them. My advice therefore is to be certain before you confront her. IF you and your husband are certain the writer is her. Then you have every right to say something. If you are not certain be careful on how you approach her if you decide to approach.
]
More Questions: |