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I'm 38 and my mother still tries to control my life!
I am married with 3 children and 1 step-child. I should start by saying that my mother is not a mean person. So here goes, my mother is a widow of 3 years and I know she can get lonely at times. I try to include her in things we do as a family. If it's just me and her, I constantly hear about how my husbands family thinks they are perfect and how we always do stuff with them (which she was invited to but said no). I know his family isn't perfect but they are nice to me and my children and that's all that matters. If my children do anything wrong, she tells me that I need to punish them in a certain way. If I try to talk to her about some of the things that bother me, I constantly hear about how much she does for me and the kids and I don't appreciate her. She still treats me like a child and it's driving me crazy. I want to talk to her about it but I know it will be an ugly scene and she doesn't listen to what I have to say. How do I let her know that I'm an adult and can take care of myself and family without starting a huge fight? The last time I tried, she barely spoke to me for a month and laid a huge guilt trip on me and I end up apologizing just to end it. Also, we work at the same place and she sometimes tells my personal business that I don't want shared. She thinks she's being funny but I don't find it funny. Any advice is appreciated!
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I like what adviceman said so I wont repeat any of that. I thought of something else since you said she gets lonely at times.
I don't know if she has close friends she see's regularly. If not, perhaps she needs to reach out and make new friends and start by looking in circles of people who have some of the same interests. My mother in law once retired, decided to join a book club at the library and her group would decide on a book to all read and discuss it. along the way she made some friends. Some are into crafts and would do well joining a quilting club. Or someone who loves to cook and wants to learn to cook a new cuisine could make new friends at a cooking class. You might suggest something like this out of a concern that she may be lonely. Or, there is no reason why she can not try a singles club or internet dating and find someone just for companionship. It's worth a try to bring up, even if she rejects it initially. But if she is an fairly social and outgoing person, she may decide to give something like that a try and not be as dependant upon feeling needed just in the family. It is good to be needed and wanted by others too such as friends or a significant other. Good luck.
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Your mom sounds a lot like my mom. I got the better end of the deal as far as mother in-laws went when my wife and I married. We moved her when my father’s boss offered me a job. My parents found us an apartment while we went back home to pack are things and move here is how we ended up living across the street from them.
At one point in our marriage my parents lived just across the street from us and we had to listen to some of the same things you are listening to, my wife especially. I told my wife the best thing we could do to keep our sanity and to maintain peace in the family was in a sense become ducks where my mother was concerned. We just had to learn to let what she said roll of our backs. I of course had long ago learned to turn a deaf ear to my mom when needed; something my wife had to learn.
I have also learned now that my child is an adult and left the nest; that we as parents and grandparents now feel that we need to mentor our children. Why; well let’s face it, we raised you and you turned out okay. What do you know about child raising. Since you turned out okay we did something right and our advice or mentoring should be invaluable to you. We forget what it was like for us and with our parents who maybe did to us what we are now doing to you.
This may be the reason your mother is the way she, it does not make it right. I might be one of the few parents who have gotten the message to keep my advice to myself until asked as your question is not unique to this site.
The best and only advice I can give you that will keep peace in the family and peace between you and your mom is.
1) Stop sharing personal things that you don't want spread around the office with her. I realize this may be hard to do and may subject you to a battery of questions from her that your answer has to be; "its personal mom not something I want to share right now." Hopefully she will get the message. This is the only way to keep what you don't want going around the office from going around the office.
2) With everything else just learn to say yes mom, your right mom, I'll talk with my husband about that, or whatever is appropriate to what she is talking to you about. Just let the conversations go in one ear, store what you want to sore and let the rest go out the other ear. When she leaves or not with you, you do as you please. Most importantly this is your family, your children. You and your husband have the only say in how you raise them. Whatever advice mom gives, if it is advise you like retain it; just give an appropriate positive answer and let it go out the other ear and do as you see fit.
We had to do this with my mom. Maybe it is not the right was to handle the problem but it did keep peace in the family until she passed away.
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