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My boyfriend sucks at giving gifts.
I am a 23yo female. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. We graduated undergrad together, and will be joining each other in graduate school this fall. It is a serious relationship and though marriage is not on either of our minds, it is likely we will be together for quite some time. I love him a lot and we are able to share so much with one another which is great. He's a great guy all around but there's one thing that is slightly frustrating with him--he sucks at gift giving. It's not that he doesn't think to give them, he just chooses things that are almost like items I'd throw in my cart while grocery shopping, rather than things that seem at all thought out.
Some gifts he's given me are: the equivalent of a reusable shopping bag for carrying supplies around, an on-sale wine bottle (I am not a wine drinker), a pencil case, and most recently a cookbook (I don't cook). Some gifts I've given him have included a painting I made for him, a specific batch of cookies he'd mentioned he liked, his favorite cupcakes, a handmade leather sketchbook (he draws). He also never tries at all, even in the slightest to make the gift "gift-like", meaning generally I receive these things in the packaging they came in, or, better yet, in the shipping pouch Amazon sent it in (with the order summary included).
I know this is probably going to come off as me being greedy, but really it's not about that. I would be happy if he made me a card, or picked me a flower on a walk, or made a special dinner, or even just brought a new idea into the bedroom...because there would thought behind it and it would be personal. However, the gifts he gives always seem like material afterthoughts and it makes me feel silly for trying to think of things or gestures that would be special or meaningful to him.
It could be a cultural difference. In my family, gift-giving was never really about the gift so much as showing you care for the person receiving it. It didn't matter what it was, just that you were thinking of them. I get that the fact that he's given me gifts shows he 'thought' about me, but it always feels like he's just trying to satisfy a 'gift requirement', rather than think about what the gift actually means. I find it curious though because his mom gives very thoughtful gifts in comparison so I'm not really sure where he picked this up.
I feel like it's such a stupid thing to bring up and it will likely only make him feel bad about it for no good reason. I know I've mentioned in random conversations before how I feel about gifts and that they don't have to be material in nature to be special, etc. etc. I guess they just never really sunk in and I'm not sure what to do. I accept him even with his faults, but I keep getting random *stuff* that I don't necessarily need! How do I hint at this without hurting his feelings!?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Gift Giving?
I know that guys can suck at getting gifts but I find it odd he'd leave them in the mailing packet with invoice. If he has a problem with gift wrapping, all he had to do was take it out of the mailing package and put it in an empty brown paper bag. or a gift bag, for those who have problems wrapping. But as you said, even if he did that, you still wouldn't like the gift.
If I understood you right, he's perfect in all other ways. So before we tackle what if anything to say, it may be more helpful to discover what your and his dominant "Love language" is...this would be the way that a person is comfortable showing they love someone which happens to be the way they also like to be shown love. Problem is, the way I like to be shown I am loved is not going to be the same for my partner.
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Thats a link with a list of them. It may be that the boyfriend finds quality time from you as his favorite way of being shown love and so he would find it so much easier to spend quality time to show you love while giving of gifts doesn't come naturally. Once the two of you have talked about love languages and decided what your love language is, then perhaps if his is not giving of gifts which I am almost certain it won't be, and yours IS giving of gifts, then find out what you can do other than giving him gifts that are more meaningful to him out of the 5. This would be a natural setting in which to mention that since giving of gifts doesn't come as his natural love language, would he like having a list of suggestions for gifts for you as it gets close to your birthday, an anniversary or Christmas. I would think that he'd be relieved especially if the two of you are discussing love languages. If he prefers acts of service, don't just guess what things you can do that would be most meaningful, ask him to help you too and give you some examples.
Hope this helps.
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Some people suck at gifts... I know I do... I could know you my whole life and still not really associate you with anything interesting... it's just a thing. It doesn't mean we don't think about what to get you... we think really hard, we just have no idea what to get you and so the end result is... crappy.
If you bring it up, you're gonna hurt his feelings... and chances are high that he's going to give up figuring out what to get you and just get his mom to pick, or maybe one of your friends... so then he won't have to put any thought into it at all. That's what I tend to do.
"Tell me what to get them... I don't even care what it is, I just don't want to hear about how bad I suck at this anymore..."
It's a real blow to hear that you suck.
Instead... you could be more specific with him...
"Hey honey, I know that (reason for gift) is coming up, and I thought I'd help you out by making a list of a few things I'm really interested in, but wouldn't buy myself."
Give short list in order of most desired item.
You're going to say that if you're telling him what you want it doesn't mean anything... but that's not true. You telling him what you want is sometimes how things work. I have a friend whose husband of over 30 years still has no idea what to get her. They love each other. They've been together forever. He just doesn't know what she wants... so he just takes her to dinner and she shows him what "he bought her" (what she bought herself from their joint account) for whatever day. They're very happy.
Even my very best friend and I suck at giving each other gifts... Essentially we just go, "What do you want under $50?" Unless we think of something AMAZING that year... I think we've both managed that once... lol.
If you don't like that... there's my other option... that I like A LOT more... give up gift days. I have two friends that have been together for a while, and they don't give gifts for anything. After year one they just stopped. They go out to eat for holidays, and if they see something they'd like to get the other any time of the year, they just get it and give it right then.
There is a third option... since he's an artist... tell him that instead of a gift... you want a drawing... a drawing of how he feels about you... a drawing of... I dunno, get creative with it. Artists respond best to prompts. It feeds something we already have in us, which is a desire to draw. A lot of the time artists can draw their feelings better than they show them through gifts... but I'm sure he's never thought of giving you a drawing, because he doesn't see the value in it you would.
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Sounds a little like my brother in-law. He has a PHD in Nuclear Engineering and has his head so far into the science that the world outside has a tendency to become non-existent. We call him the absent minded professor.
You boyfriend has on up on my brother in-law that at least he tries and as the saying goes, "it is not the gift but the thought that counts." Understandably though it would be nice to get something you could actually use. The cookbook was a nice idea if you actually knew how to cook and liked to cook.
Have you thought of taking to his mother? Possibly that lesson in the social graces did not fully sink in and she could try again. You might say to her that you appreciate that he remembers the special occasions but some of his gifts are, pick what works best; inappropriate, were purchase almost as an afterthought or without any thought. You love him deeply but his gift giving is almost hurtful.
Come to think of it is his gift giving to his parent and siblings of equally poor taste or has he given that responsibility over to you? IF so do you know what it was before you took over selecting gifts for his family.
I don't believe his choice of gifts is meant to be hurtful or that he doesn't love you as you do him. I believe he may be either uneducated in that area of social graces or so into his education he doesn't have time to put thought into anything else. For if it was just thoughtless ness on his part other parts of your relationship would be failing as well.
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