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step mom
My recent mother passed on… I'm still getting over it, but it seems like my dad doesn't care! Now he's getting married again. Some woman who I don't and never will like. She's trying to be nice but I'm not buying it. I wanna sabotage the relationship. How should I?
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Hi there. Thanks for your question. Could I ask that you open your mind and think about my reply for a few minutes? It does not have to be a 'once and for all' and can't even approach being so in your case. Feel free to get back to me if you wish...there's some deep and complex emotions in you I think? OK. While a person may have more than one significant relationship, may marry more than once, indeed have more than one 'family' it is certainly a fact that all of us will have only one biological mother. The relationship is exclusive and entirely unique. Your mother is in every meaningful sense of the word, irreplaceable. This special relationship has, for you so sadly been cut short, and you no doubt also feel 'cheated out of' the way it would and should have progressed in the future? You have without a doubt had to handle one of the most emotionally traumatic experiences we CAN be asked to handle. And now, adding insult to injury...your father seems to be presenting you with what seems to you a 'replacement mum'. And you feel this is such a gross insult to her memory, so unfiathful, unforgiveable. The whole situation (the loss, the new scenario) is totally unfair, completely undeserved. It's lousy...horrible...it's hurting you and it's burning you? And it will. And you feel it's it's too soon? I understand fully that you feel resentment and anger towards your fathers new partner, and towards him. You say she is trying. But you do not understand how he is able to do it? He doesn't seem to 'care'. Not the way you do. I doubt this is the whole story. He will have felt deeply, fought his own demons. He has faced a unique loss. The loss of the woman he chose, the mother of his daughter. There are many factors which could be in play here that we might talk about, where the instant response and feedback of a face-to-face conversation with you would be invaluable. We haven't got that, but please...give me some feedback via the inbox if you feel that it will help. Perhaps finding a woman who cared and was there for him at such a hard time was his light, something he feels he must hold on to? Possibly her 'trying' to be there for you too is a good indication of her nature? Is your father the sort that you think would 'cope with' a solitary life...or would he cave-in a bit...and not be enough for you on his own? Parental love often involves putting children first. Possibly he feels that you (and he) deserve that 'proper' family unit of two 'parents' to care for you...and feels that he's trying to provide that. To keep some stability? It is possible, and highly likely that he loves her very much, and values what she stands for. And regarding your mother...well...steadfastly clinging to the way things were will not unfortunately bring her back. That is beyond all possibility. Perhaps there were dynamics and conversations within the realtionship, some of which you were party to, some maybe not. Was she the sort of woman who would want you both to try their best to find happiness if she could not be there? Do you feel she would want you to be unhappy? I feel sure no mother would wish to see her daughters life permanently emotionally ruined, or would want to see the man she loved broken and without a woman who cared for him. Love (real love at least) just doesn't work like that. It's about wanting the best for the loved one, wanting them to be happy. And acting to secure it with all your ability. I would ask that you try to let go of thoughts of sabotage, of driving them apart. Right now you feel you will never 'get on'. Does she really stand for everything you hate, are there really irreconciable differences? Or is it that deep hurt and anger talking in you? She'll never be your mum. She'll never replace her. Nobody will. But is there a possibilty that she'd be a loyal and loving partner to your father? Make him want to live on, make plans and look forward again? Be the 'other half' of the family unit he wanted,in as much as she can? Could she be a woman you actually find you have things in common with...could become a good friend and support to you? You've faced so much hurt. And hurt puts up our defences, builds a wall around us. Makes us shy of trying to pick up up the pieces and try again. Perhaps your father is not careless, but trying. Perhaps you might find it in your heart to try. Wouldn't that be a more fitting epitaph and a tribute to your mother than hatred and sabotage? Wouldn't that prove she'd had a daughter she'd be proud of if things had been different? I have no spiritual or religious conviction. I do not believe that loved ones watch us, or that we'll meet again in some afterlife. But I do believe that those we have lost 'live on' in us. Others who knew them see them in OUR actions. The values, character and ideology they formed and reinforced in us become OUR values, character and ideology. I never intended to give you a list of possible ways to sabotage your fathers relationship. I hope to qualify, but do not apologise for the omission. If you want to talk further about anything in my reply, get in touch. My best wishes. Chris. X
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