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My boyfriend wants a threesome... and that isn't even the problem!
Yes.. My boyfriend asked for me to have a threesome. This came after he started talking to an old friend of his through Facebook and his friend said that she was a lesbian. I guess my boyfriend got curious and that's when his lesbian friend suggested that he ask me if I would would be willing to it.
Thing is,I don't have a problem participating in any of that because I am adventurous. I have two problems which I need guidance on..
1.Should I be concerned about the type of conversations that my boyfriend is conducting through Facebook..? I mean, doesn't that kind of conversation cross the line and constitute cheating to an extent? If it were me and I was having a serious relationship with someone, then any talk about sex would feel like I'm not being true to the person I'm in a relationship with.
2.What does it mean if he asks for a threesome? Does he maybe think that our sex life has become boring and we need to spice it up, or has he considered cheating on me with someone else just to experience a change?
I am of the opinion that threesomes could be a sign of an unstable relationship and maybe my boyfriend,in not too many words, is beginning to show me signs of him cheating in future.
Help me out!
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Everyone said all that needs to be said but I have had experience in my past with swing clubs and polyamory groups, not at the same time but in that order. I no longer do any of that. But it certainly was a learning experience and I see nothing wrong with 3 somes in any configuration. Some people simply fantasize about it and never do anything to try it out. It often isn't exactly what they expected. It is not cheating if ones partner asks for permission to engage in such sexual activity or even one on one with both being straight people.
I've seen the gamut of people who try it. Some get jealousy feelings, some feel left out while watching, some find it thrilling and want to do it all the time or more often. 2 gals working on one guy at the same time is every mans fantasy. I remember a gal coming to me and telling me it was her husbands birthday and that he's always had a fantasy of 3 women at once doing some oral activity on him and she needed one more person, would I be willing. Hey I was adventurous like you. I know he liked it, but it I didn't find it arousing myself. Try to get 3 peoples heads in close enough to do anything and be able to reach, it was more awkward, but hey, it was his fantasy.
Stay open minded, talk things out but remember that what ever goes on in the mind is just fantasy. And if thats the case, like advice man, according to your standards, you've probably cheated a zillion times too by seeing a handsome movie star and imagining what its like to be in his arms, reading a romance novel, and imagining yourself as the female character, etc... Women fantasize as much as guys do. Our fantasys just are generally a bit different sometimes.
I knew of couples who got into swinging to "spice up the marriage" as they put it. They were bored with each other, had little in common, etc.. so if it seemed they were too fulfilled or impressed by a sex partner, yeah, there were fights and arguments and the guy trying to dump the wife or girlfriend over the other gal or vice versa. But the key thing to remember is that the two had issues already, problems before going into sexual exploration of this type. Hope this helps.
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I would like to start with your question on the threesome first as that is the easier of the two questions to answer. I believe I can say without question that just about every guy has fantasies of having a threesome with two women. This fantasy has nothing to do with the potential of cheating.
Threesomes are a large part of the sexual fantasy world boys grow up in. It is a source of constant conversation and entertainment. Much of the pornography boys see in their younger years contain threesome and mate swapping as well. This stays with them generally as a fantasy and if ever the opportunity arises they jump on the opportunity.
In general the fantasy is better than the actual event, especially with one of the participants being a lesbian. In the threesome he is suggesting this will be more of two women having sex then a threesome for I don't see the Lesbian allowing him to have sex with her. Two women having sex in front of one of the boyfriends is another fantasy most boys/men have.
I do not believe this is a sign of him potentially cheating. It is more of a sign of how your sex life with him may go if the opportunities arise. He just may be more adventurous in his sexual nature. This has nothing to do with your sex life together needing to be spiced up.
Lets define cheating. Is looking at other women cheating. If so I've been guilty of that for the last 43 years I've been married although not really. You see when my wife and I were first married she told me I could look at the menu all I wanted. If I reordered she would cut off a very important appendage. So looking is not cheating. Today talking about sex with a close friend is not considered cheating either. It would be rude or in bad taste to discuss your sex lives together with someone else but that would not be cheating either.
Lets put the shoe on the other foot for the moment. Lets say your boyfriend asked for anal sex. Lets say even though your adventurous anal sex is not something you want to try but you do want to please your boyfriend. You decide to confide in your closest girl friend and ask her if she has ever had anal sex. Of course she is going to ask why you are asking her even though she may have and she may like anal sex before she answers your question. So you tell her.
By your definition you have just cheated when in reality what you have done is confided in a friend in order to satisfy your boyfriend. Cheating is a physical act not a verbal act. Former President Carter once admitted he lusted in his heart over Playboy centerfolds. Was that and act of cheating?
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I don't think talking ABOUT sex is necessarily a betrayal. We all needs friends and safe places to talk about what is going on in our lives - and that includes sex, and our relationship.
Although those conversations can certainly cross the line - where they become disrespectful to the partner and become a problem - I don't think it's fair to say "You can never talk about sex with anyone but your girlfriend!" What it is fair to say is "You also need to talk to your girlfriend!" and that is exactly what he did here.
What does it mean that he asked for a threesome? It could mean nothing. It could be as simple as speaking to his lesbian friend made him think that maybe he could do this really cool thing. It could be as simple as the sexual equivalent of hang-gliding - if you saw a chance to do it, you'd at least think about it. It could mean he is bored, or disloyal, but it doesn't have to mean those things. Again, this falls under the "You need to talk." guideline. You need to ask the tough questions (without jumping to the conclusion that he must be looking to betray you) and he needs to offer some reasonable answers about where his head is at and how he's thinking about this.
Can the desire for a threesome be a sign of an unstable relationship? Hell yes.
Is it always? Nope.
Look, when someone opens the door to "Let's talk about sex!" it's the exact opposite of cheating or betrayal, and so far, that is what your boyfriend has done. It's okay to be insecure, and you don't have to do a damn thing you don't want to, but you should respect the fact that you have given no evidence or reason to believe your boyfriend is cheating at all at the moment. He's being your boyfriend when he's talking to you about something that interests him.
By all means, ask him the tough questions and let him know you are going to need a whole bunch of answers and conversations before this is something you can consider. Let him know that it scarred you a bit and made you worry that he brought this up. Give to him the respect that he is given to you - tell him the truth and keep the conversation between the two of you open.
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