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Boyfriend's mom has control issues
23 f living with my 25 year old boyfriend and his family. I am living there because of a crazy home situation that I couldn't stay in. I like his parents a lot but I don't like living with them.
When I first was dating Tim, it was obvious that he had been spoiled or sheltered. Not money wise, just that his mom would do everything for him. He didn't know how to clean, cook even basic things, do dishes, do laundry, etc. I noticed that whenever he would try to do something, his mom would say he was doing it wrong and take over, rather than showing him how- she doesn't have much patience. Over the last year, I have taught him all that stuff and he's gotten really good at it. However, she still makes derogatory comments when she sees him doing something like cooking. "oh god, what are you doing now", "what mess are you making", etc.
She is 'linked' to his bank account, which basically means she can go online and see what he spends using his debit card and credit card. We each have our own checking accounts and share his credit card, which we almost never use. We take turns paying for things and manage our money pretty well. However, she still criticizes him about we spend money on and how much we spend.
Recently we opened another credit card at a clothing store because it offers a large discount on their clothing. We don't plan on using it too much. His mom opened the bill and yelled at him for spending the money. I have more than enough to pay for what we bought, as well as several hundred extra. He has less than fifty bucks in his checking account, but that's not a problem, I've been giving him money for gas and food to hold him over and he gets paid tomorrow.
He is very close to his parents and understands his mom is wrong but doesn't want to do anything about it. She is hurting our path towards independence and making him feel bad about himself. How can I change this frustrating situation?
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If the two of you are ever going to make a life together than the apron strings are going to have to be cut that tie him to his mother. You also have to be aware that you will also be the one coming between him and is mother at the very least from her point of view. This will be hardest on you especially the longer you love in her home.
You have made a good start by teaching him those things you have taught him. You know have at least two more things to do with him to put a big tear in those apron strings.
The first is to take his mom of his checking account and credit cards. As long as he is the primary account holder this should not be a problem. If by chance she is the primary account holder then open new accounts and have deposits such as payroll sent to the new account. I would also get a mail box at the post office or one of the package stores so his mother cannot open his mail and see his finances or other information.
His mom won't like this and she may rant and rave over what has been done. Fact is at 25 he is legally an adult and she has no legal control over how he runs his life or his finances. If she has been taking rent as she needs it, for example out of his account. Then you switch to writing her a check each month for the rent you pay. There is no legal reason for his mom to have access to his funds.
What he needs to do after doing what I have suggested is stand up to his mother. He starts by telling her he loves her and thanks her for everything she has done for him. It is now time he stands on his own two feet and be responsible for himself. That means that if he is cooking a meal for himself or for the two of you. He will cook it and be responsible for the mess and clean it up. That you and he will be responsible for your own laundry as well. It may not be like she does it but it will be clean.
Last but not least he needs to be responsible or at least start learning to be responsible for his own finances. To this end he has opened new bank accounts or removed her name from those accounts they shared. He also needs to tell her that you and he have a right to privacy and to that end you and he have opened a PO Box for your mail.
You need to be supportive of him and help him be strong in facing his mom. Her controlling him has been a lifelong event. If is going to be hard for him to break away. For his moms part she will use every trick in the book to keep him attached to her apron strings. This is where he will need your support.
You need to do this now for if you don't and you two plan to have a life together his mom will attempt to control your family life. I know for my mom was this way. I'm lucky my wife is as strong a woman as she is and helped me explain to my mom that she needed to step back and be a mother in-law and grandmother. The second position in our family not the top spot.
I won't say it was easy, mom fought hard and dirty. We persevered and she eventually saw the light. His mom will too if you two stand together.
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Woah..try and change it and its out of the relationship for you.
If she's this controlling then have you even considered that any slight dissatisfaction his mother gets wind of coming from you, and she'll probably be able to convince him you're not the girl for him?
Is there a dad on the scene? I think you need to first appreciate what you have been given by his family. The 'normal' home situation that you didn't have with yours. To be honest the fact she checks his account shows she cares and looks out for him
Is there anyone else you can live with instead if you're unhappy?
The only think you can do is to gently talk to his mother. Not about the lack of patience thing or the checking up on him thing-because that's her personal choice. Similar to how it was her personal choice to allow her sons girlfriend to live under her roof. Generous thing to do.
Instead. Speak to her about YOUR worries with your boyfriends money. Try to understand her point of view, perhaps any reason why in the past she now has to monitor his money. Offer to take over her role if it'd make her job easier.Make sure you let her know how much you appreciate her once in a while too.
You only want whats best for your relationship. I get that. And perhaps his mother is slightly over protective of her son. You need to gain her trust, that you can care for her son now-he's safe with you.
Once you've done that maybe things will get easier. if not, I suggest you live somewhere else. Either that or the relationship could run its cause pretty soon.
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You can't fix this, and what's more, if you try you could make things far, far worse.
You need to recognize that this isn't just 'her being controlling'. This is the dynamic between your boyfriend and her, and he is part of the problem. What you've described here may certainly be involved and overly critical, but it's not that abnormal. Your boyfriend has the power to change his responses to her criticism, and to remove her access to his private banking information.
It's easy to blame it all on her, but it's up to your boyfriend, to try and change the dynamic with his mother, if and when he wants too. Right now, he doesn't want too. He's more comfortable with the current situation, than he would be with the work, and arguments and stress that would go along with changing it.
I understand that this really very frustrating for you. No one looks very good when you get a front row seat to the worst kinds of behaviour in a family, but if you try to change this, not only will it make it worse, you might create a situation that can never be fixed. Because this is a disagreement between mom and son. If you allow it to become a fight between his mom and you it'll just be an open sore for years, because the two of you aren't the two people with an actual problem to solve.
Support your boyfriend - even if you don't love the way he is choosing to handle it - be supportive, praise him for what he does well and keep your opinions on his mother between him and you. Remind him that he is the only one that can change his relationship with his mother. You can't fix it for him.
But you also have to appreciate that he is under a unique pressure. These are his parents, and he is adult living with them with his adult girlfriend. You have way more power and independence in this situation than he does. He and his parents have two decades of patterns and drama to navigate. Asking him to change those patterns is no small request. Most adults never tackle those issues in their relationship with with their parents head on. Most adults move away from home before it becomes necessary.
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