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How can I come off as mature and sincere in my apology?
I'm fifteen, a sophomore in high school, female, and pansexual.
Earlier in the school year (around Thanksgiving), one of my acquaintances broke off all contact with me. We've been in the same classes as each other for three years, but we never were friends in any sense until last fall. We became friends through classroom discussions, and he started flirting with me after I won a debate in US History. He was my first crush (in seventh grade), and I still like him, so I flirted back. He invited me to go to a movie with him, and I think he originally intended it to be a date, but then I thought I wouldn't be able to go, so he invited some other female friends before I found out that I could actually go. It was about a week later that he stopped talking to me.
I think I've figured out why we're not really acquaintances or friends anymore. He considers me to be more intelligent than average, so he was probably hoping that I'd be more mature than average too. And being socially awkward, inexperienced (he's the first person that has ever liked me in a non-platonic way to my knowledge), in a bit of a hormone storm, and fourteen years old, I proved to be incredibly immature. I think he is depressed, and if I'm correct, then it was when he became depressed that he reached the end of his rope with me, disappointed that I hadn't been more mature.
If I want to be friends with him, I need to apologize or show that I've realized the fault in my actions in some way. Which is hard, because I don't have too many opportunities to talk to him in person. He unfriended me on Facebook, and he'll probably interpret another message from me as clingy and insecure (like my last one) or flirty. How can I communicate with him and come off as independent, platonically oriented, and sincere? I want to express that I care about him as a person and will support him if he needs a friend.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
So from how I interpret your letter, I can safely assume that your non acceptance of the invite to the movie is not what has him upset or what you feel you need to apologize for, is that correct.
I do not know what you said that would cause him to unfriend you on Facebook and stop talking to you.
Lots of teens at this age take what others say and what they say themselves, way too seriously. I really can't tell you if you did something that is a typical common social blunder for prospective dating relationships or current ones. It could also be that you did nothing wrong at all and he is way too sensitive, interprets things wrong and you are assuming by his reactions that you did something wrong to earn this behavior from him. Hon, I really don't know...I don't have enough info here.
What I can tell you should help explaining why the majority of problems teens get into in life or with friends is most likely due to their brain not developing as fast as their body matures.
The prefrontal cortex, is a section of the brain that weighs outcomes, forms judgments and controls impulses and emotions. This section of the brain also helps people understand one another. The prefrontal cortex section of the brain in teens is still a little immature as compared to adults; and it doesn't fully develop until your mid-20s.
Some teens may make better decisions and assumptions due to what they've learned at home or through other means, however for the most part, we all experience problems to some degree or another due to our brains not being done developing and maturing yet.
Yes, you may have female puberty hormones adding to the mix but usually those cause the woman to become extremely sad and weepy for no reason or easily irritated or upset or even really angry with emotional outbursts. And her angry outbursts for the most part are usually directed at other females, mom, sisters or girlfriends. If it were hormonal, you'd know it cus you'll have been doing this kind of behavior already with others. The fact that he is a guy has me wondering if your hormones were involved at all on this one.
Another thing, guys don't tend to brood long over emotional upsets or fights. Watch two guys have a knock down drag out and a short while later, the things that caused them to fight in the first place are long forgotten and they're all smiling and best friends again.
If he truly is upset with you still, it must be something going on internally with him due to other circumstances, not you or theres the chance that he wasn't looking at you as a non platonic friend and wants to date you as his girlfriend, that could affect him this way. No guy wants to end up in the friendship zone with a girl he wants to date. It's easier for a guy in that case to have no contact with her. Then again, you mentioned being pansexual, so does he know? If not and someone else told him and he can't handle that, that could account for him cutting off contact. Until you get a chance to talk to him, you're not going to know anything. I wouldn't plan any apologies until I know what exactly I am apologizing for (don't assume on this) and whether any apologies are due or not to begin with.
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