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Boyfriend not making an effort?
Me and boyfriend have been dating for four months today. We are both Jrs in highschool.
Recently I feel unimportant because he has been neglecting to make plans with me or see me. Throughout the relationship, he has avoided being able to come to events that are important to me or to stay a little while after school, telling me he has plans or has to do homework.
Until now I have had no problems with this, I want to give him as much space as possible! :)
But I feel like he just doesn't want to see me? I asked him to make plans on a non-school day, and he says he has homework. I don't know how he could have twelve hours worth of homework, or why he didnt make an effort to have some of it done so that we could hang out. But no problem, school comes first right?
But when I texted him this morning to tell him something funny that happened, he was hanging out with friends.
This happens all the time, and I feel like I'm not a priority.
When I brought it up and told him how I felt, he just said 'you know hw always comes first!'
I havnt seen him outside of school in three weeks, other than valentines day.
He also has made a habit of leaving when he is hanging out with me to go meet other people. (Once even another girl to 'study'... But that is resolved)
I communicate about how I feel but he doesn't seem to see a problem. It's a pattern. I love him but...
If you want more background info, I'm probably out of his league, but we are both very mature for our age.
In the past I have had problems with him moving to fast physically, and my parents and him quietly don't get along, if that makes sense.
Should I end it? I'm a loyal person, and staying longer may just make life a lot harder for me.
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It's good that school comes first to him. But if I was in your shoes, I'd be feeling the same way.
It's only been 4 months, that's not a long time and he's already avoided coming to events that are important to you.
It's fine that he hangs out with friends, it's fine that he has homework, but he also needs to have time for you. If he can't somehow make time for you, then that's crazy and he probably isn't making the effort. I mean hey, the busiest people in the world make time for their spouses.
My boyfriend is in college and works and still makes time for me. It's not impossible and if he wants to make time, he will.
Do you guys see each other on weekends at all recently? If not, then this is something that probably can't be fixed since the problem is coming from his end. You've already communicated on how you feel, which is really really good because a lot of girls have trouble doing it or they do it the wrong way by yelling and all that.
I think you should sit him down, don't text or call him about this, do it in person and let him know one more time about how you feel. Just tell him you'd like to spend more time with him and that you know homework and friends are important but you want to be up there too. Maybe once he gets his homework done, then you guys can hang out after once a week on a school day or something.
If he goes a long with it, then good. If not, then you should end it because you aren't getting what you want out of this relationship and you don't need someone who isn't trying.
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Good girl, you communicated and said something, and he gave his explanation that it was homework. But you guessed right when you said, "But I feel like he just doesn't want to see me".
Guys are pretty simple creatures. The idea behind giving a guy space is only to not be demanding to be the top priority in his life. Girls tend to make their boyfriend the only priority while guys put efforts into whatever is important, school, job, homework, hanging out with buds, family or a girlfriend. However I know of relationship experts who say that if a guy can't make you one of the top three priorities in his life, then you don't matter to him, he's a douche bag and its time to let him go.
So naturally, if he's not interested, you think he should say so, right? A girl doesn't think the same as guys and doesnt realize that his finding no time for her means he's lost interest. It would be nice if he communicated in words but too often guys figure if they show less attention or none that the message with get through to the girl. At the same time she's waiting for a verbal confirmation one way or the other of his interest or lack of it.
You said you both are mature but maturity really comes from experience and from learning from our experiences. A good step to help out with the ignorance of lack of experience is to start studying all you can about relationships. How do you know what he is doing, how he's treating you is mature behavior. It sounds immature to me because of ignorance. At 17, you both are old enough to begin to study what is healthy in relationships and what is not. A sign of maturity is the person who learns from mistakes how to avoid them in the future. YOu can do this by looking up articles or you tube videos on line. My favorite is you tube videos. Do searches in you tube for "Signs of a healthy relationship", "What guys find to be turn on in a girl" "What never to do when dating a guy" "Signs that a guy is into you"/ etc... just put in phrases like this and one video with the same or similar title will pop up with tons more on the right hand side. I periodically go through and view some of them.
Another thing that doesnt sit right with me is that you've only had this dating relationship for 4 months and lots of those times he hasn't been around, plus you say he moved too fast physically.
What exactly do you mean by that. Was he trying to do sexual things with you? And if so, how soon after asking you to date him or be his girlfriend did this start? Was it in the first few weeks? next months? It's only been 4 months, anytime in that period is too soon for a guy who hasn't spent any quality time getting to know you better as a person to want to rush things physically.
I am no prude and understand that many teens are sexually active these days. But you said he moved too fast physically in the past and you don't have much of a past with him to begin with, i did the math, it's only been 3 months and one week where you both have seen each other. Dating couples don't take 3 week breaks from each other without a very good reason. Seeing him in school doesn't count.
The purpose for dating is to discover more about the person you met and were attracted to and see if you have things in common, similar goals and if so, you continue to remain together and bond closer and closer as friends, supportive of each other, even your differences. You already mentioned him not desiring to be supportive by attending events important to you. What you learn now as a teen and young adult in dating is going to help you to find the right partner for you for the future. Is casual dating enough for you or are you looking for qualities that are going to matter in the long run, someone who also wants a life long commitment.
Make a list of what's important to you in a guy and look for the ones who have those qualities. If one seems to have it but by the end of the 2nd week or whenever, you see other behavior come out that is negative and contrary to what you want, likely he was pretending just to get you interested. You want a man who can be real/genuine with you.
You already know its over. Don't wait for him to tell you. You talk to him and let him off the hook.
If u want, there are many E-how articles about guys and dating and what is healthy or not or interest or lack of it. Here's one and once there, you'll see links to many more.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
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Hey! I know how you feel. My friends complain about this sometimes. Anyway, the thing you have to do is let him know what he is doing. Girls are often afraid to tell their boyfriends that they don't spend enough time together because they will see them as "clingy", but it usually helps. Good luck!
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I think you are handling the situation very maturely. You have given him space and tried maintaining a relationship. where you find problems or issues you have brought them to his attention rather than just holding it in and getting upset. I really think you've don't your part and all you can do. Honestly it sounds like he is doing what many people do when they want out of a relationship. He seems to be playing you very distance until you have had enough and break up with him. He doesn't want to be the one to do it so he's just making the relationship unbearable. It seems as if he spends his time doing what is important to him. If homework takes up that much of his time then I guess that is fine but he should be honest and let you know he doesn't have the time for a relationship. However, I highly doubt his studies are taking up all that time. I feel you should move on and eventually find someone who loves and cares for you as much as you care for them. You are important and you matter. If this guy doesn't see this then he is really missing out. You deserve to be a priority and treated with respect and honesty.
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