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Ex-boyfriend
I'm 19, female and my ex boyfriend is 20, male. We were together for over 2 years.
He broke up with me a couple weeks ago. In the moment he said it was because he didn't feel the same. He's not very good at communicating, so our relationship was more difficult than it should have been because he couldn't really express what he was thinking.
So we didn't talk for awhile after he had broken up with me. Then we hung out, got some food and talked. He said he was sorry for the way he did it, apologized for not being able to tell me what was going on, ect.
He told me he was stressed and is confused about our relationship. Not that he doesn't care about me anymore, but our relationship had some pretty stressful moments. So we went over and talked through them, figured out where we both went wrong in handling certain situations but in the end he said the relationship was unhealthy.
So at this point, I'm really not sure what to do. We talked about getting back together, giving it more time. But then he said he still doesn't know yet.
So I don't want to wait around because who knows how long, or even if he'll actually want to get back together. I did reflect on whether or not these problems we had can be fixed. I do believe he cares about me. I know he just doesn't want to have the fights we had before. So I've been getting advice from people on how to handle the certain situations we've been having problems in.
To be honest, I'm scared of asking him. If he says no, I'll be upset of course. But if he keeps telling me I don't know, then what do I do? Just let him go and move on? I'm thinking of giving it a couple weeks till we talk again. Good idea or just wait till the next time he contacts me?
I talked to my dad about it. He told me he's a good guy and all that, but if he can't figure out what he wants in two or three weeks, then don't wait around.
I've never been in a situation like this. I've dated quite a bit before him, but was never broken up with. I always ended the relationship or the "talking". He truly is a good guy, just a very confused good guy...he has good qualities and is overall just amazing. Even though I was mad at him for how he handled the break up, I can't really talk trash about him. So hopefully that helps showing you how I feel about him.
Just any advice at all would be appreciated. Sorry it was long.
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He DOES seem like he is confused.
Maybe you should wait for a week or so and see what it is that he really wants. I mean c'mon, if he wanted to be with you, the answer would of been clear. Usually when people don't know what they want in a relationship anymore, that is a sign that they're giving up.
So, I guess you have to wait and see. Don't wait too long though.
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You feel you truly care about him, that much is obvious. But if you'll allow me to be cliche; what's meant to be will be.
Give him a couple weeks to sort himself out, but don't sit waiting by the phone. Tell him that you're not going to wait around on a maybe, and that if he doesn't know in a certain length of time that you'll move on. If you still have feelings for him at that point, and still want to get back together, then tell him you're not "slamming the door". Let him know that you dating other people isn't telling him "never". If he decides he wants to be with you, even if it's months or years from now, he will try to get back with you.
If he wants to get back with you, but doesn't act on it (possibly claiming that he doesn't want to break you and someone else up, doesn't want to bother you, or makes any excuse at all) then he's feeling for you are NOT genuine.
Also, if he says he's "confused" there can be different meanings behind that word when it comes to relationships. The most common involves someone else. Maybe he developed a crush on another guy, and wants to see if he's gay (or bisexual) or if it's just a "man crush".
Unfortunately, it's not always confusion of sexuality. Sometimes it means they found (or remembered) another girl. Maybe an ex he never truly got over started talking to him out of the blue, or that girl he works with started to show him attention. (Please note I am NOT saying this is the case!)
Perhaps you need to talk to him about just what, exactly, he's confused about. Although being in a stressful/unhealthy relationship is difficult, it rarely leaves either party in a state of confusion about whether or not they should be together.
If he acknowledges that the relationship wasn't good, he shouldn't be questioning whether or not to get back together. If he is he may have an attachment issue, and doesn't want to be alone (which would make any relationship even more unhealthy). If it's an attachment issue, it's usually just that (no other girls [or boys]). Generally it's thought to be a "girl thing", but it does indeed occur in both genders.
Whatever the reason; the best thing to do right now would be to tell him to sort himself out and decide what he WANTS. If he continues to be indecisive, he isn't worth waiting for (regardless of how much of a "good guy" he is).
If there's someone you've noticed that you thought was interesting but didn't do anything because you were taken; perhaps text him in two or three weeks to ask him how he is (maybe hang out sometime).
Don't handcuff your heart to your image of him, you need to take off rose coloured glasses to see if he's someone you truly want to be with. Perhaps in the two/three weeks you gave him to decide if he wants to be with you, you might decide you don't want to be with him.
While he's thinking about whether or not he feels you're worth fighting for (to him), figure out if he's worth waiting for. Yes, you care about him (and you may always have feelings for him)... But is he worth all the fights and stress? Or would you rather be single (with or without him as a friend)?
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I agree with your Dad, Wait about a week and if he doesn't come around then move on from it.
If you both do decide to rekindle bare in mind that there needs to be boundaries in the relationship. Communicating is very important and if you both can't freely express how you feel to one another then the problem is going to remain until you figure out how to fix it. Another thing you need to bare in mind is that once a relationship is damaged, It is going to take a long time to be able to trust the relationship and your partner as you once did.
I personally feel there is more to the story then what you know. Meaning, That he isn't telling you the entire story. When someone drops the "I don't feel the same" bomb on someone it sometimes could mean there is someone else in mind or someone may be questioning their sexuality. I'm not saying there is, I just thing it sounds a bit fishy from an outsiders view. However maybe he really did loose feelings for you and the relationship this is something HE needs to talk about. If he doesn't decide to come around then I believe your best option is to end any sort of contact so you don't prolong your pain. I believe in the only real reason two people should remain friends or on a mutual level of any kind is when there are children involved.
It's hard to give good advice because the lack of communication on his part. I most certainly wouldn't put yourself on hold though, As a 19 year old you've got a life to live.
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