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My babies dad might not be the dad
I am not sure if this is the right category. Wasn't sure what to put it in.
I need people who are sensitive and not judgmental because my situation is quite easy to judge but I actually really need some help. I'm really at a loss and don't know what to do. So if you are someone who would post rude comments, please leave now.
Okay so last year I was asked by a co worker to have a threesome with him and his wife... (I am a female). I couldn't help but say yes because I was curious and it was a fantasy of mine that I never actually thought would happen. Well even though I was on birth control I ended up getting pregnant from this.
Well this obviously caused a lot of issues in their marriage and I felt bad but I didn't know what to do so I left it up to them. They cut off contact with me up until I was about 7 months pregnant when he contacted me and wanted to try and work something out because he wanted to be involved in his babies life. It's been a very very complicated, messy and difficult situation as I am sure you can imagine. But his whole family, brothers, sisters in law, parents, grandparents are all involved and have come to see me and the baby and have just been wonderful. But he hasn't been able to see her yet because his wife is uncomfortable with everything even though she knew having a threesome could potentially cause this problem.
Well last week she decided she couldn't handle it and she left him. He has sacrificed a lot to be a part of his daughters life and I appreciate it but here is where the problem comes in...
Back when I had the threesome there was a guy living with me who practically raped me one night when I took an Ambien. I only have a very vague memory of it since I was drugged up. He admitted he did it to me but said he only entered for a minute and pulled out. I was pissed and kicked him out and haven't heard from him since and I cant even be sure when the date was. I thought for sure this happened a couple of weeks after I would have gotten pregnant but my baby looks so much like him. She is only a couple weeks old now but she has his nose almost totally and it really scares me. It's really hard to tell tho cuz she is so young but here is where I need advice...
The paternity test is in 2 weeks and I guess its a possibility that the threesome guy may not be the dad after all. After everything he has been through to be in her life and everything his family has done for us... I would be the single worst person alive if it turns out the guy who raped me is actually the father. It is very unlikely that it was him but at the same time... she really does look like him.
So my question is... how should I handle this if the paternity test comes out negative? What should I say to him and his family? How can I possibly apologize for something so extreme? Or should I tell him now that I was raped back then and risk losing his trust even if the test comes out positive? Overall... I just don't know what to do. Please help
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Want to answer more questions in the Sexual Health and Reproduction category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Pregnancy?
I really do not see anything here to be judgmental about at least concerning the three way with the co-worker and his wife. I will say this though that the guy you were living with did not practically rape you, he DID rape you.
When you took the Ambien, and he was aware you were not conscious enough to consent to sex even though you have had sex with him before, having sex with you is rape. You were in no condition to consent and prior sex with him is no guarantee of future sex with him. Instead of just kicking him out you should have charged him with rape.
As far as the paternity test goes. He knows you're having one, he has to as he would have had to give you DNA to match with. So until the test results are returned say no more about the rape or the chance this is not his baby. Should the test result show he is not the father there will be plenty of time to tell him.
If the results show that the ex live in guy is the father then you need to do some other things besides telling the co-worker. First it is not too late to charge the ex with Rape. Most states give you five years to bring this charge.
You can use this charge as leverage against the ex to make sure he lives up to his responsibilities to this child as the father. You find a lawyer to draw up the legal papers required by the courts to order him to pay child support and to provide other things for the child such as medical insurance. Maintaining a life insurance policy to cover the cost of the child support incase of his death until the child is 18 and legally an adult.
Within these documents you can also have wording to the effect that should he fail to pay child support he is pleading guilty to raping you and waving the statute of limitations. The lawyer will know how to word this for the court to accept.
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Some things are better left unsaid and this is definitely one of them. Wait until the paternity test comes back. If he turns out not to be the father all you can do is apologize. I'm not sure that I would disclose the details of whom is the father for the simple fact that he and his family will probably be so hurt they won't believe you. You'll have to be strong and prepared to move on. But there is still that chance that he and his family have a bond with the baby that they may still want to maintain that roll regardless and that would be great. Since they are already a part of you and the baby's life and happily accepts the baby I pray he is the father. Hold tight and wait for the results. I would love to hear the followup on the results and how things turned out. Good luck and stay strong.
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I would wait until the DNA test results came back. If you will be the first one to get the results first. When you found out and if they are negative. I would sit down in person, explain about the other man ( you dont have to tell anyone you were raped if you dont want to that is not their buisness) apoiligze it may not seem like much but let him know how sorry you really are. Good Luck
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I don't think you are obligated to disclose the rape to the man you believe is the father, and your certainly don't have to tell his family. It probably would have been better to have addressed the possibility that he might not be the farther months ago, but that ship has sailed, so hold your tongue now.
Wait for the paternity test. I understand why this is so stressful for you. It's legitimately terrifying! But it seems to me the most respectful thing to do is not spread the terror around unnecessarily.
In the meantime just be calm and be the best mom you can be. Don't obsess over your daughter's features. Your imagination is bound to work overtime on this. Try to be at peace not knowing yet.
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