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I have a guy friend that's acting strange.
Warning: this is going to be long, I already know that.
We are both sophomores in college. Lately, my best guy friend has been odd. He's been "talking to" this girl for a few weeks and they just met face to face Sunday and have been hanging out since. I'm not a big fan of this whole thing because it's usually the two of us always hanging out, he is usually always in my dorm room watching movies with me or getting food with me and since she's moved into our dorm, I've been set aside and I hate it. Yes, I am jealous of the fact that she is important to him now. I want him to be happy and if that's what it takes for him to be happy, he can go for it, I will always be here waiting to fix him when he gets hurt but it just sucks that he hasn't even been talking to me these past few nights. To get to her room, you have to take the stairs right next to my room so I see him come up and he walks by my room and doesn't even say hi. So, in an effort to not be so hurt about it, I've been trying to distance myself from the situation. I haven't been texting him and when he walks by me when I'm working, I don't really start up conversation, same with when he's working, I would normally sit down and chat with him but I haven't been doing any of that lately. Needless to say, I think he knows I've been kinda upset. The other night, I was in the lounge studying and he texted me and asked if I was in my room, I texted him back about twenty minutes later (when I read the text) and said "I am now but I'm on my way out" and he texted me back "Oh, I knocked on your door and you didn't answer." So I texted him back and explained that I wasn't in their earlier and he never texted me back but that's usual for him. On to how he is being weird.. the first night his almost but not yet girl friend moved in, he didn't go see her right away because he was with me in the lounge watching a movie. About an hour after he told me she moved in, he asked if I wanted to grab dinner, I said yea and he said we should wake up my roommate and see if she wants to go, so we did. We were all walking out of my building, when he fell behind which is, again, usual for him because he gets so absorbed in his phone that he can't do anything else until he is done. However, I turned to see if he was okay and he was with the girl. He didn't tell me she was coming so I was kind of mad that he just let that happen. So they walked behind us to dinner and she asked "so, who are your friends that we're eating with?" and he said "right here, these two are my friends" and then we got down there and her and him got their food first so they picked a table first to which I later found them sitting across from each other, forcing my roommate to sit in between them. All night, my leg would touch his and me elbow would touch his when we would both go for our phones. I invited some other friends to sit with us and as they made their way over, I moved over to make room for my one friend to sit in between my guy friend and I but every time I moved away, he moved closer, making my other friend sit next to him and not me. It got to the point where our small four person table was seating nine, we were so cramped that my entire right side of my body was flush against his and he didn't even seem to mind, meanwhile his girl was sitting across from him and he wasn't talking to her much. I was texting and he made it so blatantly obvious that he was looking at my phone which was weird for him again because he's been doing that lately, when I was on my computer the other day, he wasn't even near me but he walked over to see what I was doing on my computer. I have nothing to hide from him so I wasn't mad in the regard it was just odd that he did that because I make a solid effort to not look over his shoulder at things. So, he was getting antsy and decided to leave, stood up and waited for her to get up and they left. My friend looked at me and said "if he's trying to get with her, how did you two end up like that at the table?" and I said every time I moved, he kept coming closer to which my friend said "well, it looked like you two were dating, that's all." After that, I haven't seen him all night or the next night. The next day, though, I saw them walk in from having lunch together and he didn't hold the door open for her which he usually does, he always holds the door for me and my friends. Then, I saw him leaving her room and he came back up with his computer which was kinda funny because he never has his computer when he's with me, so he must have been bored enough with her to get his computer or I'm looking to into it and they were going to watch a movie or something. The night after, he came to my room and I didn't really want to see him, so I walked out and went down to the hall to call someone. I came back and he was gone. Then, last night was the night where he texted me and asked where I was because I didn't answer my door. This morning, he relieved me of my shift so as he was getting on, I told him the normal information and went to leave and he told me sweet dreams as it was 4 in the morning. I got back to my room and realized I forgot to give my boss my timecard to get paid so I went back down and told him I'd appreciate if he put it in her mailbox before I forgot again and he looked at me and thanked me for reminding him because he forgot to do his. I said you're welcome and as I went to leave, he started talking to me about the weather. He and I are such good friends, we talk about the deepest stuff, he told me that he never told anyone about his dad before and he told me about his dad and how he used to beat him so we talk about major things and here he was talking to me about the weather and how he didn't want to have class. After a few minutes of that, I went to leave and nothing has happened since.
I hope you can make some sense of this and tell me what you think is going on. Why do you think he's being weird? My friend thinks it's because he's upset that he hurt me and he's trying to find a way to make it better. My other friend thinks he likes me and he's mad at himself for upsetting me. Why do you think he doesn't talk to me around her? Why was he trying hard to sit next to me at dinner and not talking to her at dinner? Why doesn't he hold the door open for her but he does for everyone else?
Thanks!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Your other friend is very observant and can plainly see what you have either been totally oblivious to, or not willing to admit to yourself when she observed, "well, it looked like you two were dating, that's all."
His behavior would indeed be odd if you meant nothing more to him than just a friend and he was romantically attracted to the other girl. What makes you think this is the only possible thing going on for him. If it were the other way around and he saw the other girl as nothing more than a friend, and you were the one he had deep feelings for, more than just a friend, like I've found my mate type of feelings, then wouldn't it explain his behavior. Then his behavior wouldn't be odd at all.
Here's some things I see that may be possible happening here:
1. He may be truly in love with you, but afraid to tell you because if you don't feel the same way about him, he's afraid it will change and ruin your friendship.
2. You find yourself feeling really jealous of a girl he is not very interested in, more like he has convinced himself that he needs to focus on someone other than you to be his romantic girlfriend, so he has been trying to force his heart to move on and try to date another girl but his heart is not in it.
3. You admitted to feeling jealous. Jealousy is, nothing more than like a warning light on the dashboard of your car indicating that some deeper emotions on your part are involved, that you fear the loss of something. Guess what? It sounds like your subconscious mind fears losing him but your conscious mind hasn't figured that out or is ignoring those feelings because you haven't realized it yet or feel a need to keep him in the "friend zone" only.
Your following words can be looked at two ways depending on if your just a friend or want to be more than just best friends:
I want him to be happy and if that's what it takes for him to be happy, he can go for it, I will always be here waiting to fix him when he gets hurt but it just sucks that he hasn't even been talking to me these past few nights.
1. You come across as the selfless friend who is truly happy her best friend is dating and hopes he finds happiness but will be there in case he gets a broken heart. You just feel very sad anticipating seeing less of him from now on.
2. You sound like a woman in love with her best friend, and can't understand why he is attempting to date someone, you already feel the loss of his company and know your hurt can only grow worse over time as he spends more time with another female and reaches the point where he someday marries and has children and would likely have little to zero time for you. You sense in a way already now that your heart will break if that happens. You don't know how to act in your misery so you figure that avoiding him and dropping all contact will help, which it doesn't. It only makes him miserable and confused and wondering why he at least had you as a friend and now you are pushing him away by your actions.
You say you will be there to help if someone else hurts him. What if you are the one hurting him, how can you help him feel better?
I'd also like to bring the following to your attention: It took him having a high level of trust in you to be the only one he confided about his past to. Trust takes time to build and is easily broken. Deep trust like this is only found in healthy long term relationships.
Being best friends is one of the most important foundations of a long term relationship, whether dating or marriage. You have that now. Perhaps neither of you felt fireworks in the beginning so you never pursued a romantic relationship from the start. But once deep friendship is established, and those feelings for each other has developed, then its only a matter of time, if you are willing to explore it, to see if that romantic spark and passion will develop too.
What may not be felt at all, or felt strongly, can grow to become a hot blaze if you are willing to allow it. You don't know that it's not possible until you try.
So stop avoiding him. He really has been trying to see you. Unfortunately he has not asked you why you have made yourself unavailable and neither has he confessed the feelings he is developing for you. If you do know you have deeper feelings for him, he needs to hear it. The best way, is to state it as a process just starting as suggested by relationship experts I have studied. Instead of saying I am in love with you or I love you, you say "I am starting to fall in love with you" or another choice: "I am beginning to develop deeper feelings for you."
Professing feelings in this way still leaves a path open for the other person to leave if they do not feel the same feelings. Or they can confirm they love you too. Obviously, I cannot tell your male friend the same things as I've told you so you're the only one who knows what needs to be done, which is talking about both your feelings. So dear, it's up to you to start the conversation and decide how you really feel about him.
If you are willing to give the romance part a try with him, then encourage him by telling him how you are feeling which is why you reacted in jealousy because of the other girl.
If you can't stomach the idea of being romantic and passionate with him, having kids with him one day, then let him know that you don't have romantic feelings but strong friendship feelings and you want to apologize for wanting to keep him all to yourself, and thats why you've been acting aloof, to try to basically wean yourself off him so he can be free to pursue a girl who will return his love.
If your friend could see that you looked like a dating couple, the only thing missing is that both of you realize you are perfect for each other.
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Girl! ASK HIM! I know that going to your girls seems like the best thing to do, but they don't know how he's feeling.. There could be amillion reasons you can go through, but there is only one that he is thinking. If you are so close to him and you feel that you are such good friends then ask him! It's obvious that you have feelings for him otherwise you wouldn't be observing his every move. Just ask him. YOu won't know until you do. A million people would tell you what they think but you wont know until you ask him. Just be brave and ask him whats going on. If he trusts you so much (which it seems like he does if he told you something as personal as his dad beating him) im sure he will tell you whats up.. Don't be afraid to tell him how you feel.. I am here for you.
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