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I still love my ex and care about him? :(
Me and my ex were dating for a year and everything seemed almost perfect. Of course we would argue quite a bit but it was small stuff that every couple goes through. We both loved each other very much and never lied to each other or anything like that. Sadly my dad passed away from brain cancer and it took a toll on our relationship. I wasn't able to be there for him and
I became depressed. We had a small argument on December 19th and he told me he was done with me. I told him I was so sorry for everything and that I would try harder but he didn't want me anymore. He said he was doing it for me and that he wasn't able to be there for me, he aslo said he wanted to fix himself. I told him multiple times how sorry I was and that I realized I was not there for him. I told him how much I loved him and that I wanted to be there for him now and that I regretted everything I did. He said he still cared about me but he just couldn't be with me anymore but maybe in the future. A couple days later he tells me that he is over me and that he has moved on and I should move on. Then a couple days later he tells me he still has feelings for me again and that he wants to love me. Then he popped by my class two days in a row and we had lunch together and he asked for a hug. Only to have him ignore me again. It seems that he is constantly changing his mind about how he feels about me and ignoring me. I finally sent him a message about how angry I was that he was constantly changing his mind and told him to talk to me when he made a final choice and that I still loved him. I also told him I would always be waiting for him because I dont want anyone else, he was a big part of my life. I told him that if he never messages me after that I will message him in June to see how he is. It hurts because he was able to move on so quickly and all I want to do is love him and be there for him. He never replied to the message and I know he read it. I feel so confused because he would message me and see me and then ignore me again. I dont know what to do I love him so much and I know he is going through a lot right now. He even admitted he keeps pushing me away because he feels numb right now and doesnt care about anything. He also said he couldnt keep going on knowing how much he is hurting me right now. Is their even a possibility we could get back together? I feel like a part of me is missing I just care about him so much.
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to tell you the truth you won't get back with him. he is probably telling you he doesn't want to be in a relationship in a kind way. please try to move on and give yourself some space from your ex
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I am scared for you dear. From your choice of words, it sounds to me like you are putting all the blame on yourself regarding the relationship. Remember it takes two to Tango, he is part of the equation.
When someone is going through emotional distress as you were, of course you may not be yourself and say and do things you usually would not do. But someone who was truly in love with you and really knew you, would know that is not your real self and know that you were not acting in any ways towards him on purpose. A mature, loving, supportive man would not have lashed out at you in a fight but doubled the support you needed and ignored any behavior from you that was not up to your usual self. The natural inclination when a partner is hurting is to want to make them feel better, not make them feel worse.
You need to wake up and realize that you are causing him to feel guilty in part, by being overly apologetic and blaming yourself for not being there for him. This is not your time to "Be there," for any man....You are still in the grieving process and any man worth his salt is going to understand that you will need him to "be there" for you, for as long as it takes for you to go through your grieving process. And that is something not accomplished in weeks.
]Here is some of what you said that jumps out as too apologetic, which makes you seem needy, a weak woman, only a man can make you whole, putting the man on a pedestal and his needs first:
I told him I was so sorry for everything and that I would try harder
I told him multiple times how sorry I was
...that I realized I was not there for him.
... that I wanted to be there for him now and that I regretted everything I did
I also told him I would always be waiting for him because I dont want anyone else
I told him that if he never messages me after that I will message him in June to see how he is
A woman should not ever have to "Beg" like a dog for a handout of support from her man. Your way of talking to him, seems to me to be a bit on the groveling side. I am sorry if that hurts you dear, but to someone on the outside looking in, it's not just that he is a guy you be better off to forget about as the last person wrote you...theres much more to what is going on. I have listened to many women or men who finally realize they need to leave the relationship because they truly are not in love with the other person, however the other person in knowing they are leaving are saying whatever they think will work to make them stay, groveling, apologizing, promising to be a better partner or change for the person to make them happier, or they announce they will become depressed and want to kill themselves. The one who has decided to leave, now feels guilty and may care about them as a person but not really be in love with, and so is confused as to what to do. They don't want to see their friend so needy, forlorn or suicidal, etc... so in fear of the person not recovering well, they waffle back and forth, coming in and out of the persons life, hoping to stay until the person becomes strong enough to stand on their own two feet without them but once they've committed to hang around again, they immediately are reminded by reality that they just aren;t the right person to be in relationship with their old partner, for many different reasons. So in a way, your old boyfriend, has made the right decision to leave.
Here's a possibility why you are confused by him: His asking for a hug or saying he still has feelings just might be an attempt to make you feel better as far as your grieving loss of dad and him, but its confusing to you and you are reading something entirely different into it.
this could also explain why he read your message but did not respond. He does not want to give you false hope so his plan is to cut off all contact to make it easier for you. It may be he is doing this ithout any conscious thought really as to what he is doing--doing so subconsciously. He can see how giving even a little contact to you hurts you even more so it makes sense to cut if off totally for him and I really can't see that he has any other options. He may not be mature enough or even understand himself and the difference between his needs and his wants, to be able to explain to you whats going on inside of him and that you are not the problem, just that he is not right for you.
I understand you feel love there for him. People can love those who are wonderful to them and people can love those who treat them like sh#t and anything inbetween. Love feelings in a person does not seem to take into account whether the two people are the best possible partner for the other, one who can help their partner grow more mature, wiser, independant with their support and love, not causing the person to become the opposite, dependant emotionally. In all this I am not talking about financial independance at all...just the emotional. It is best to let him go. Stop contacting him. That means no email as you told him you would send in June.
You were together a year but this realisation on his part of what strength of feelings he had for you may have been slowly coming to the surface over a period of a month or 6 months. It doesnt matter, what matters is that he has decided to leave as he should.
The man did admit that he also wanted to fix himself. He may instinctively know that he is not a whole person and ready for a serious relationship. Perhaps he is emotionally needy too and knows that two emotionally needy people together cant be good. And theres a chance thats why he sometimes said he still cared or loved you.
I am sorry it took so long to give you all these explanations and possibilitys to your situation.
For the future, men are attracted to confident, secure, independant women. Perhaps you already are that type of woman, just temporarily sidetracked by Dads passing. But if you aren't, as soon as you are done grieving, then focus on yourself and becoming that confident woman and you instantly become more irresistable to men.
A good book someone loaned me when my mom died, was called simply, "Good Grief". Its very short book and gets right to the point of the normal steps to go through the grieving process in order as human nature processes through. We all go through it in the same order. The only problem is some of us can get stuck at one of the stages and not process any further which will make for other areas of our life getting stuck and not continueing to move on. You probably can find it on Amazon books. I highly recommend it.
An encouragement to you: it takes some personal strength, to reach out and ask for advice or help as you did here, so I know you can make the growth steps needed right now at this point in your life. Good luck!
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First my condolence to your fathers passing.
As for the boyfriend, He needs to go. It was wrong of him to bail on you when you needed him the most. Understandably, You have every reason to be depressed. As sorry as he may be, It doesn't cut it. Relationships are about trust and most of all supporting one another and if he can't be supportive in one of your most needed times, Then he just isn't the one for you. I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who I can't rely on when I need them the most. It was wrong for him to jet, I don't care what his excuse is or was. Darling, Sometimes we need to find our strength and learn that toxic people only cause us harm in the long run. You do not need him, You do not want him and most of all you do not love him. You need and should find someone who loves you, Someone who will support you through the good and the bad and will be there when you need them. You have nothing to apologize for, You've done nothing wrong. Lift yourself up, Be strong. If you need help, Get yourself therapy. Don't let more pain in, He isn't worth your pain.
Be well
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