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I'm changing and feel distant from people
I feel like I'm growing up and I'm going through a transition in which my values are changing. I'm starting to feel extremely distant from my friends who I once loved dearly, especially my best friend who is in the process of taking on a new boyfriend. These friends who 4 months ago made my entire life a joy now make me extremely angry and frustrated to the point in which I can't be around them because it gives me too much anxiety ESPECIALLY when alcohol is involved. I spend a lot of time alone but when the couple things I rely on besides people fail me, like music, my world falls apart. I also had a recent death in my family of someone I was very close with. Being away at college has been something I could rely on to escape the anxiety I feel about this family situation but right now I feel like there is nothing to make me feel better. I'm drifting away from my friends and I feel like a failure at life. Right this second I feel like I have nothing. It's not just my close friends that give me anxiety but people in general. When I get upset it surfaces as anger, frustration, and anxiety, probably making me an unpleasant person to be around. What should I do about all of this?
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
When a close friend or relative passes away your grief on their passing will effect you in many ways and have an impact on your life as well. There are many stages of grief, at least 5 and as many as 8. The closer you were to this person the more stages of grief you will go through. You must grieve for your relative or you will never fully accept their passing. This is normal for we humans.
My best friend of 40 years past away suddenly last year. I went through all the stages of grief including being mad at him for dyeing. Yes I was angry that he up and died leaving me without my best friend. How close were we? People said of us we were brothers from other mothers. We could finish each others sentence. It took me a long time to get over his passing and I'm still not sure I don't grieve for him. At least now I can write about him and talk about him without getting choked up. Grieving is normal and it takes time to grieve.
As for the other things you wrote about, those are normal too. You are moving forward with your life and maturing faster than the friends you left at home. They are no longer the safety net you had all through school. For the most part our childhood friends are just that. We grow up, our interest change, we marry and move on with our lives and make new friends. We build new safety nets.
I believe this is where you are now. At the point where your old friends seem immature. You have been forced in away to grow up and mature faster because you are away at college. Mom and dad may be a phone call away but they are not there. This is a big change something that forces you to set you values and live buy them. This is all good though also can be confusing and cause anxiety.
Relax and go with the flow. Get involved in different activities at school and make new friends. Rebuild the safety nest you are use to having. Build them with your new friends, friends that have they same values you are creating for yourself.
As I said this may be confusing for you but you are doing good from what I can tell from your writing. Just give yourself time to heal from your loss. Relax and enjoy what college has to offer you both in the way of an education and new friendships. Your doing the right thing and we will always be here to bounce questions off of if you need too.
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This is a nasty combination of a loss, college and just simply growing up and moving on.
Sometimes in life, Friends die out and sometimes they die out suddenly. You may have been falling out with these friends and have not realized it. Unfortunately, Apart of growing up is moving on with your life. Sometimes people are not meant to be in our lives forever, Some are meant to stay a little while. You are not an unpleasant person, You are juggling some personal things in life at this time. Sometimes life throws curb balls at us, Sometimes these curb balls cause us to move on, forget things and make new paths in life.
Take time to yourself to figure things out. If you still feel you want to talk to these friends then go for it. If not, Then it may be time to make new friends and start over. Sometimes that is what we need, We need a fresh start.
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Sometimes it takes the death of someone you know and loved, to stop running your life on automatic, just cruising through life without giving a deeper thought to anything you say or do.
Its a normal process to discover a loss of joy in life, part may be due to death in the family, but it likely isn't the only reason. However it wouldn't hurt to know how to go through your grieving process properly. Someone loaned me a book when i lost a family member. The name of it is "Good Grief" by Lolly Winston and can likely still be ordered at your local bookstore and I checked and saw it on Amazon. I would highly recommend you reading that. Since you mentioned anger, that is one of the steps a person goes through in the grieving process but unless you are recognizing the steps and going through them in a good way, the right way, then you will end up stuck.
You mentioned alcohol use of friends as particularly disturbing to you. I can't begin to understand what it is for you about that which robs you of your peace. I know for me, if friends spent too much time focusing on drinking and partying, when I did not want to, then I would feel alienated from them because our current life goals are totally different from one another.
I made a major change later in life, where I found I was continuing to grow and mature. I found that because of my changes, I either had to pretend that what was important in their life and what they believed was still the same for me and be miserable while doing it, or be true to myself and follow the path I preferred to take and discover joy along the way.
That was a time I began to look for people with the same interests as myself.
A comaraderie and shared beliefs and values in which you're working toward the same goal is very rewarding. Once I felt the same thing you are going through, (I also lost a family member 4 yrs before beginning to make my major life changes) I began to look for those I felt reflected the same values and beliefs as i had now.
Its no fun going life alone, not having others in it because we as humans are basically social creatures. So its normal to feel another type of loss here, the loss of social commaraderie.
I'd like to share some truths in life to help you along your way.
One truth is: You cannot look for others with the same morals, values, beliefs as yourself until you have discovered what your own is.
Another truth is: You can not change another person to see things and live life your way. The only person you have control over to change is yourself so focus on that.
Another truth is: When you are Being true to your self, you will begin to attract to yourself others who have the same values as you.
Another truth is: it is Happiness, not Joy that comes from external occurrences in your life which are momentary and leaves you craving more. Happiness is fleeting, Joy is more permanent. Joy comes into existence by internal sources of contentment and inward peace, is long lasting, and therefore not affected by what comes our way.
Since the people in your life are external things, you will discover that trying to place joy in just people, places and things, does not last for long.
Pay close attention to what I say next because aside from learning to grieve a death properly, this will have the ability to make the biggest impact in your life.
For me, Joy is more about my mindset. I have two choices how to act or react or respond to any given situation in life. One way can be positive, one can be negative. At one time in life, my negative thoughts, led me about by my emotions which caused me to feel negatively, which causes joy to disappear and that caused me to take negative actions outwardly, such as anger. You see, it's a chain reaction that all starts with negative thoughts. I am not saying that we must abolish all negative thoughts in our life, just not invite them to stay and accumulate. Sad, unhappy, angry thoughts can come. Heck even Jesus had anger at a particular situation but it didn't color his actions making him an angry person in general for the rest of his life. Without any of our emotions, we would not be human but more like robots. Its our emotions that make us able to feel that make us human, our only problem is allowing them to get out of balance, not processing through them properly and moving on.
I hope this encourages you some, dear.
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Firstly, Everybody changes, its just a fact of life.
You may not be changing so much as to be actually different- I mean, you may be still grieving over the death, thus affecting your music, and people aren't coming through for your at this difficult time, thus making you feel bad.
I suggest you find something to do with your life- something new! Like a sport or join some kind of group where you can potentially have something new to focus on, as well as make new friends.
But don't just forget your old friends altogether; having a tough time now and again is a natural part of life. Soon enough, things will start looking up im sure. just keep going!
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