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Trouble Bonding with my Dad
I am very sorry for the length, but please at least read some of this and give your advice. I know this isn't going to make any sense. I care for my dad, but I don't like him and don't respect him at all. I don't think he's a very good father and I think he's a terrible husband.
He actually made me afraid of marriage at one time because I dreaded ending up with a man like him. Everyone outside of our family likes him because he is overly nice and fake to everyone when he's out in public. He acts like this amazing guy to everyone else, and probably did to my mom too when they were dating, but once they were married, he changed. It was like he had her trapped then, so he could be himself around her. I grew a fear of marriage because of that and felt that I'd be better off remaining single because I didn't want to fall into a trap like that.
He's such a jerk to her. He talks down to her, calls her cruel names, makes inappropriate jokes about her, loses his temper with her over nothing and screams like a crazy person, and he does things to make her mad. For example, her birthday sucked this year because she had to go to a funeral. All she wanted was to come home from the funeral and watch some movies that she had on our DVR, but my dad erased them all. This may seem small, but it made her mad and he does things like this all the time, so they add up.
He's also a hypocrite. He can smart off to her and talk like he hates her, but if she does it even a little bit to him, it's war. She has to take all the bs he gives her because if she stands up for herself, it's also war. He gets mad, tells her that she took whatever he said too seriously and feels like HE'S the abused one. I could go on all day about what a sucky husband he is, but these are the basics. I resent the way he treats my mother.
I don't have a good relationship with him because he favors my sister. The universe revolves around her and I'm usually invisible. My sister's a good sister and wants a good relationship with all of us, but my dad wants the two of them to live in their own secretive little world together. At times when we're all together, he makes me and my mom feel like tag a longs who are intruding on his time with my sister.
He's also judgemental. We are Christians and since Nov. 2nd of last year, my relationship with God has changed dramatically for the better. I'm much closer to him, but this summer, I tried to leave our church. I just didn't feel like a Baptist anymore (it was a Baptist church). I went to another church at first, but then decided to research different denominations and decide later what church to go to. My dad judged me for not going to church even though when I was a kid, he didn't go for years. He judged me when he thought I was lying to him when he lies all the time. He's definitely not a man of his word He doesn't see the need to do what he says he's going to do, he breaks promises, and he doesn't hold up his end of deals and never intends to. Yet he's the only one in the family that he's sure is going to Heaven and he stands in the kitchen and almost arrogantly sings, "I'll Fly Away" while he cooks. I don't mean to sound like I'm judging him now, but I find this so arrogant. I typically love being surrounded by other Christians, but my dad acts so high and mighty, but ignores parts of the Bible when convenient.
One on one time with my mom is awesome, one on one time with my sister and almost anyone else is too, but one on one time with my dad is different. Sometimes we bond, but sometimes it's like we don't know each other. Even when we do bond, it never lasts long. Something always happens quickly to screw up our relationship again. I know this is wrong, but lately I've wished that I had a different dad and have even had a specific guy in mind. I don't know if my dad and I will ever be close. I actually enjoy it when he goes on business trips or goes to see his relatives for a week or so. My mom and sister do too. Am I a bad daughter for not being able to bond with my dad?
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I wish that you had given your age; not that it matters all that much. It would have helped me in understanding you a bit more.
When I read your I said to myself that I could have been the one who wrote this. Not all children have great relationships with their parents. The old saying that we can choose our friends but not our relatives is very true. It is also the reason why some of us have great relationships with our parents and some of us do not.
For the last ten years of my fathers life I cut him out of my life completely. Why because he tried something he had done to me for most of my childhood. My father was a stubborn man who would not accept the fact that he could be wrong even when proven to him. Well he wronged me this time and when I told him he was wrong and how he hurt my wife, that he needed to apologize to her he refused. I never spoke to him again not even when he was dying. I have no problem with this decision for it was how he treated us as children. I'm not saying that two wrong make a right but in this case it did.
Nothing says you have to love or even be close to your parents. You do have to honor them in certain ways. To that end what I told my sister who unfortunately ended up in the middle. Was that I would not allow certain things to happen to him such as being homeless. Any money that he might need in the way of support though would be funneled through her. That he was never to know where the money came from. As far as he was concerned I had no interest in him and as a fact I didn't.
My wife, son and I went on with our lives. To show you how stubborn he was. Both my son and I were involved in separate traffic accidents while working. Both of us were severely injured. Neither of us received either a get well card or a phone call to see how we were. My son had done nothing to him yet he refused to acknowledge him or his injuries which my sister said he was aware of.
So you see you are not alone in how you feel and neither was I. There are more people out there who feel as you do about a parent or parents. What bothers me about what you wrote is that you are afraid to move on with your own life for fear that you will marry someone like your father.
This does not have to be so. Back when your parents married people did not live together before they married. Today it is very common to live together for a while before marriage. Call it a trial marriage if you want. If the man you intend to marry is going to be like your father it will come out during this trial marriage.
We as a species are meant to go through life in pairs with a significant supportive other. Do not let your father further ruin your life by measuring all others by him. There are better people out there than he. Trust your instincts and know what you are looking for in a significant other. Then do not settle until you find that person.
As for bonding with your father. In a perfect world it would be nice if we all had TV families. This is not a perfect world. You have to make your part of this world perfect for you.
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Oh Honey, I ache for you cus I know what its like. Its like you were describing my ex husband. He treated me as yours treats your mom. He didnt pick favorites out of our 3 girls tho.
We were also a "Christian" family and he fooled people outside the marriage.
A person like that will make living with him peaceably, and having a close relationship impossible because there is no way to meet such a persons unreasonable expectations. If Jesus were to show up in disguise in normal life and find a way to join the family, Dad would be unhappy with him too and pick on him or find ways to hurt him and distance himself. The problem does not lie with you.
YOU are a good daughter and have been making the effort to have a good relationship and bond with Dad. However there is a thing I want you to understand...a quote about relationships between a couple in love but I believe it applies to all relationships even Father- daughter. It goes like this: Happily ever after doesn't happen because we wish it so, it only happens when both parties put in maximum effort to make it so. That rang a bell with me cus I was the only one putting 100% effort into my marriage, however he put in next to nothing, and treated every family member in a way as to drive them away from him.
As to how you are feeling about lack of interest in church and wanting to find what you do identify with, you didnt state your age. Even if you are living at home but legal age of 18, you should be allowed to make your own decisions as to where you attend to worship. We did that for mt oldest when she wanted to go elsewhere.
The issue is deeper than what doctrines we agree with or not, but our perception of what the heavenly Father is like compared to our earthly example. When our earthly example is messed up, and we have no male fatherly example in our life of a good Fatherly role model, our very beliefs are questioned and some people lose their faith entirely. It is never Gods 'fault', each human gets a choice in the path they take. The path your dad chose should not reflect back on God.
If you think its wrong to wish you had a different dad, my daughters feel that way too. One went so far as to give a Fathers day card to a guy I was dating after I left her dad, and in it she wrote that she wished that he had been her father instead.
There is nothing you can do to change your dad for the better. Do what you can to stay out of his way, if it means not feeling like he is anything other than the sperm donar to your life, that is his fault, not yours. As a parent he needs to earn your respect by being the kind of parental role model that is loving, humble and yes as humans we all make mistakes but a parent who is willing to admit that and ask forgiveness teaches us how to do the same. You're not asking for perfect, just a closer loving closeness with him but for some reason he doesnt want that with anyone.
Be careful if looking to build a relationship with a man as a fatherly role model, for there are many older men who prey on younger girls seeking a fatherly love when on their minds is sexual love. That is not the remedy for your problem.
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