|
Unbiased advice needed about a breakup.
I am a 23 year old female. My boyfriend of over 4 years broke up with me over a week ago. I am beside myself upset.. I would to cook, clean, do laundry, take out his dog, feed his dog, got him a job, made him lunch everyday, even paid for our dinner or drinks sometimes.. the whole 9 yards..
He broke up with me because he said that it was unfair to me that I did everything, and he wasn't fully in on our relationship anymore. This came out of no where for me which is why I think I am so upset..
He has been involved with drugs, and really bad crowds as well so I think it's probably a good thing this happened, because I was able to get out while I still could.. but the pain is severe.
What I really need is someone who doesn't know me, my boyfriend or anything else about our situation.. to try and help me with advice, through this time..
All I want is for him to give a damn about me, and to be upset over this, I mean 4 years is a long time.. and I feel like I'm the only one upset..
Please, somebody give me advice or tell me what I should do.. I know if I ask if it's worth it to try for it again, it's probably gonna be a bad thing.. and I know I'm young, but it doesn't help how I feel..
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Let's be honest: He's upset over this, but part of 'being broken up' is that you can't help him with that, just like he can't help you, and that you don't have any right to the intimate knowledge of his feelings that you had when you were his girlfriend.
Let's be even more honest: Sure, it's nice to think that he broke up with you 'for your own good', but that's bullshit. Basically no one does that. He broke up with you because he didn't want to be with you anymore. You might have been wonderful, the best woman he ever met, but he didn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. Whatever the reasons, that is the core truth of the matter.
Don't try for it again. Don't speak to him any more than absolutely necessary. Don't Facebook stalk him. You don't get to know what's going on in his head, or his life, and the sooner you make peace with that, the better you'll feel. Going through a break up, means going through it without your ex's support.
You sound like you know this wasn't a great relationship for you. You know he took advantage of you. You know he didn't have his shit together. You know that probably wouldn't change if you got back together. So all you are left with is the grief and the anger.
So grieve, and be angry. Punch pillows and complain about him to your friends. Cry it out and eat ice-cream. Figure out how to soothe yourself. The pain wont go away over night, but it will go away, and you'll probably be proud of yourself at the end of it.
]
I think you said it best when you said,"I was able to get out while I still could." It would appear from what you wrote that he chose drugs over you. Being involved in drugs is a bad choice to begin with for him. Maybe he realized this, maybe he didn't. If he did realize this maybe he loved you just enough to leave you before he dragged you into his world where you could get hurt. Something to think about.
When anyone is in a relationship for as long as you have been, even if the other person is not fully committed as he may not have been. It is going to hurt when the relationship ends. Breaking up a long term relationship is almost like ending a marriage. You want reason, you tend to blame yourself for the failure. From what you have written blaming yourself is self-defeating as you have no reason to blame yourself for this breakup. You did everything a person could do to make him a better person. Still in the end he chose drugs over you.
There is really nothing more you can do. He has to hit bottom before he will accept any more help from you. Everyone has there own bottom, only he will know what that is when he gets there.
If you want to no more about the why of him and why he does drugs or what you could do. Then I recommend going to Al Anon meetings. These are group self help meeting like Alcoholic Anonymous though they are for the friends and relatives of the addicts. The following URL will take you to a locator website to find meetings in your area. Attending some meetings may help you understand him better. It may help ease the pain you have as well. [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Most of all don't blame yourself for the blame for this rest entirely on him. Since he was into drugs I would suggest that you see your doctor for a complete physical to include testing for STDS and HIV/AIDS. As he is a drug user it is best you take this precaution even if you have no signs of any STDS. Condom usage prevents the transfer of many but not all STDS but is effective against HIV/AIDS.
]
Every time someone gets out of a relationship when they loved that person, they're going to be very upset. It's natural.
In the end, he broke up with you. He chose his drugs over you. Whatever it is, he just isn't choosing you anymore. And that's why it hurts so much and that's why you want him to be upset.
He probably is upset, but you know it's not best to try to get back together with him. Especially when he's hanging around the wrong people and doing drugs.
Give yourself some time to get over the pain. Give yourself some time to move on. If you want to talk to him again by then, do so and see if he's changed and stopped with the drugs or even wants help.
]
You stated he is involved with drugs
You cannot help someone who will not help themselves. It could be a possibility that the drugs have taken over his emotional ability to think and act on how HE really feels. Besides the fact sweetheart, You must move on for you not him. You see, It is a bit hard to say as I don't know you or him but if he told you that his heart isn't really into the relationship anymore then you need to put your feelings aside and be strong.
Sometimes in order to move on from a relationship we need to focus on the hurt and turn it into anger in order to move on. Meaning, He has chosen drugs over you and your relationship. Therefore, You need to lift your head up and move on. Realize that you deserve better and do what you must to get yourself out there again. If you must clean, Then do so but do it for YOU, Not him.
Whether the relationship is worth it would really depend on several factors dear.
1, How long you were together
2, How much and deeply he is into drugs
3, Whether or whether not he wants to help
4, If this is an ongoing routine of his
Talk to him, Find out how committed he is into possibly seeking help for his problem. Write him a letter, Try to him when he is sober etc. Do what you must in order to get him to possibly listen to you but do not accuse or nag. If he refuses then unfortunately your relationship may have hit the sinkhole long ago.
]
More Questions: |