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Scenario question for guys ages 18-30. cuddling? sex? what would you do if?
ok i know its frowned upon to ask the same question more than once but id like some more opinions on this and didnt know how else to do so.
hi, so im a girl but I want the male perspective on this. I have been thinking quite alot about his recently. Im going to present a scenario to you and please just say what you think. please read it thoroughly before answering. if u dont understand what i mean by something its because im leaving it to your interpretation and imagination.
Scenario: You meet a girl, somewhere... maybe your out walking your dog in the park or they live in the room next to you at uni, or in the apartment down the hall and you meet in the laundry room. I don't know, use your imagination. either way, you meet and you like this girl quite a lot. she may not be the stereotypical "attractive" girl but shes your age, kinda cute, very very sweet and kind of..."interesting". You begin spending time with her and begin dating. a couple of months goes by and you dont necessarily ask her right out to make it official but shes told you she loves you and you have said the same. you have NOT slept together at this point but you have kissed, cuddled, spent lots of time together etc. you decide that you are ready to finally have sex with her. as you try to seduce her she will kiss you and let you hold her, cuddle and make out with you but as soon as you try to get your hands under her clothes, even under her shirt to touch her stomach she stops you. after a few instances of this you ask her why and she says" i love you, everything about you and the little things you do that make me better. but i can't... i just can't." as time goes on this continues and you're realizing that she is down with cuddling, kissing, hanging out, etc and really likes sleeping in your bed with you ( in her pjs.) but there is no way she is, or will seemingly ever be comfortable with... yes boys... sex. you can have everything but( by the way sex in this instance includes all forms of sexual activity. intercourse, outercourse, anal, oral hand jobs, and the like.) the only issue is, you`ve fallen hard for this girl... other than her severe paranoia of sex, she is everything you could've ever dreamed of. would you stay with her? or would you leave? how would you talk to her about it? what would you say? etc etc.
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Hi there, I am an older female. I know you wanted the male perspective but I was curious so I read your story. I thought I might give you my impressions since I prefer men over women for friends and men seem to be comfortable with me as I've been told I think alot like a man. So based on that, I will go ahead and share. If you'd rather not read anything a female has to say...you can stop now.
Sticking strictly with your questions, on how would you talk to her about it? what would you say?
If the person I was with said to me, But I can't...I just can't" and didn't proceed to clarify why, I would ask, especially the first time she says it. The first thought that might occur to me was that perhaps up to that point she was interested in sex but that she was totally unprepared, not on birth control and not wanting to trust on condoms solely. So I would have asked the first time, I would not have been upset or angry, just wanting to truly know what the case was. I tend to be a person who likes to help and encourage people. So I would naturally ask. If she told me nothing, no explanation...I would respect that. Maybe she was in a bad mood, had a bad day. However, I am a very sexual creature with a high libido. So after a couple of times of finding her not willing to be sexual, I would have brought up the conversation. Here's what I would say, and I would recommend that any person who is in a relationship where they are sexually mismatched, say something like this. "Hon, I know you honestly love me, I love you too. But since I have a sex drive, one of the biggest ways for me to express that love is through lovemaking, kisses and cuddles show affection, yes, and are part of lovemaking but it is not enough for me. For me to ask you to change to please me or me to change who I am to match you is not right. No one should ever change who they are. Being someone you are not, doing things you are not willing to do will ultimately affect a person emotionally, if they tried...bringing on stress, depression or slowly build resentment towards their partner, even if they were willing initially with the arrangement. Or the person for whom a partner changed, slowly discovers they are losing respect for their mate because, even though they have their company, the mate is not totally real, not totally theirself, not totally expressing themselves so subconsciously, you start to lose respect for the other. I don't want to get messed up with that. So although this hurts me and will hurt you too, I cannot stay. I must leave you.
Not all people would be so understanding. I am sure there could be men who do name calling, "Frigid", "You're nothing but a big tease" etc...
Or those not into drama or theatrics would silently get up, leave and never talk it out with you. Is it possible for someone like you (if you choose to never face and overcome your paranoia) to be able to find a man to love you for life? Yes, but the pickings are slim, because you'd have to find a man who is Asexual.
In case you are not familiar with what an Asexual is, heres what Wikipedia has to say:
Asexuality (or nonsexuality) is the lack of sexual attraction to anyone or low or absent interest in sexual activity. It may be considered the lack of a sexual orientation, or one of the four variations thereof, alongside heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality. A study in 2004 placed the prevalence of asexuality at 1%.
So, Asexuals are not incapable of sex or falling in love. Asexuality is often the lack of sexual attraction rather than sex drive or emotional attraction. As such, asexuals who are more indifferent to sex rather than actively averse to it may be quite capable of sex and masturbation (though this is not usually directed at any object of desire) if they need to. Asexuals in romantic relationships with sexual individuals, for example, may have no problem having intercourse with their partners for the sake of said relationship even if the act itself may not have the same significance or appeal as it would to sexual individuals. Unlike the aforementioned fully sexual individuals, asexuals do not actively desire said sexual actions and will not miss said acts at all if denied to them.
So hon, if you can find yourself a man who is one of the Asexuals who is really adverse to having sex, and that person can love you, then you will have the perfect match. Remember, wiki reports its only 1% of people. So if its really important to you to find a partner, to greaten your odds, you may have to resort to on line dating where you go specifically to sites designed for people who are asexual. If you put in a web search "dating for asexuals" you'll get plenty choices. Here's one such site
www.asexualdatingsite.com
Good luck dear.
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Most guys would eventually walk. You said there's no way you are or seemingly will ever be comfortable with sex.
Even Christians and "wait until marriage" lines imply that sex is going to happen eventually. Being completely unwilling to engage in any form of sexual activity isn't something even that group of people want to deal with.
If you're paranoid about sex that's a problem you should see a therapist about. If you have no sex drive that's one thing, being afraid of it is another, and it's being afraid that you've framed for us here.
Most guys aren't going to fall hard for a girl if the sex thing is on the table from the start. If it's hidden from them until after "I love you" then it's still going to end up being a dealbreaker. If you can't be sexual with someone, and the person who is with you wants to be sexual, that person is going to leave you. It's really that simple. Human sexuality is an absolutely vital part of relationships for everyone who is not paranoid, and no one is going to date you if they can't eventually sleep with you unless that person has no desire to sleep with anyone, ever.
Cuddling isn't enough for 99% of the human population. And if you're paranoid about sex and have no intention of ever having sex with someone that needs to come out early on. You will face alot of rejection, guys will walk as soon as you say that or will stick around hoping to change your mind. The need to be honest is on your side so that the average guy can know from the start that you are not compatible with him.
Put simply, you have every right to choose to not have sex. You don't have the right to hope that a guy will change his expectations for sex for your benefit any more than a guy has a right to expect you to have sex because he likes you and wants to do that with you. You need to be clear on your expectations and limitations. And you need to be prepared to walk away yourself when you know sex is something a guy needs and you can't meet that need.
Or you need to find a way to be ok with sex, because I can tell you that being afraid of sex is an excellent recipe for being alone. Sorry, that's just how it is. People expect sex from partners. That's how most people work. And you are not everything the vast majority of the world could ever dream of if you do not want sex.
The situation you framed for us is dishonest. Pay attention to this. You talk about dating someone for several months and it's not until they try to have sex with you that it comes out that you will not be doing that. If you say I love you to someone without having already established your sexual boundaries long ago, you have lied to the person you are dating by omission.
Those kinds of selfish breaches of trust are mostly unforgivable.
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While I am much older than the age you have asked for I do remember when I was that age. I have two versions of how this could play out.
The male side:
If I truly loved her and was looking forward to making a life with her. Then I believe I would find away to have a conversation with her about her views on sex. Is she afraid of having sex? If so that is one thing and we could discuss ways of overcoming this up to and including sex therapy together.
The other reason could be that she does not believe in premarital sex of any type. If this is the reason then you or in this case I has to respect this. Some girls have dreamed all their lives of their wedding day and wedding night. How their Prince in shinning Armor is going to sweep them off their feet and carry them off to the bed Chamber and make beautiful love to them. It may be a fantasy but it is her fantasy and her upbringing.
It can be discussed but I would not threaten to end the relationship if we do not have sexual relations prior to marriage. I might ask her to try and make some accommodations along the lines of satisfying my needs stopping well short of intercourse but only if I saw her as a future wife. If I didn't see her as a future wife I might think differently.
What she might say or do.
Given the scenario you have posed. I would recommend to this girl and hopefully expect from her if I was her boyfriend. That long before we reached this place that she would be honest with me and explain what her boundaries where with sex and why they are what they are.
As I said above if sex scared her for any reason I would work with her to demystify what scares her up to and including sex therapy. If she believes she wants to be a virgin on her wedding night. Then she needs to explain that to him as it is only fair since she is sleeping in his bed with him. Sleeping with him and not having sex is cruel as it is pure torture for him.
Boil it all down what I have written comes down to two words; "open communication." If the two of them are open with each other and communicate their reasons and feelings to each other in this situation. The likely hood of this relationship lasting is far greater than if they do not communicate.
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