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Over protective mother
Hey I Am 18 I need advice on how to tell my mom to let go. She is too over protective, crazy mom, examples when I was in high school she timed me on how long it should take me to get straight home from school. When am in college she forces me to come home every weekend to do shit at home. She doesn't let me hang out w. My friends she actually doesn't want me to have any friends she Dominican btw she doesn't even let me walk my dog on my own. She wants me to change schools so I can be closer to home never going to happen btw she checks my bags n room when ever she gets the chance too i have no type of privacy at home .. I just dnt understand why she like this never given her a reason to be
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You're 18, you're an adult, there's no negotiating with mom.
It could be that mom's life is wrapped up entirely in her children and she doesnt have a life aside from that. Everything she did 24/7 was somehow related to raising her kids, so once they leave the nest, she finds she can't let go. I wonder if you have siblings? If you're an only child, the intensity of it is even worse.
For her, life is scary now. She needs to learn to have a life of her own outside of you. She likely does not realize that this desperate attempt to clutch so tightly onto you in an effort to feel she still has some purpose in life, is going to actually push you away. While at this stage in life, it is good to use mom as a sounding board for advice...(real advice...not controlling measures to keep you in her grasp) ...it must come of your own free will, wanting to ask advice of her. So bring up what I said to mom. You can show her my advice column answer here. She needs to be aware of what she is doing so she can correct her actions. It won't be overnight. She's had 18 years of getting used to doing only mommy related stuff. She needs friends of her own and hobbies and activities of her own. She may have no idea what she might like. She could check at her local pool and recreation center cus they hold classes there sometimes for fun stuff or at the local community college, things like learning how to do a certain type of dance, crafts, etc. Also, online there is a site called Meetup.com check it out first yourself, doing a search for moms town and see what types of things are available. If she's not computer savvy, you may have to hold her hand and walk her through this. If mom is unwilling to take her focus off you or search for new hobbies and interests, perhaps one last try would be to get her to refocus her mothering need on other children. She could learn how to become a helper at a daycare, or get licensed to have a daycare in her home. Or volunteer time at the local elementary school to help in classrooms with students reading. I am sure they would have some restrictions, rules and of course background checks before she's allowed to be with the children no matter what venue she chooses. I used to do an in home daycare. I enjoyed doing it. Had a young child of my own at the time. There's no reason why your mom could not do it other than her own objections like "But its not my own daughter...it's different." Actually, the mothering and nurturing instinct will come out for any situation involving children, maybe not as quickly at first but it will, its part of her character and who she is as a female. So have a talk with mom. Let her know at the start that at any point that she is not willing to listen to you, or hear you out without trying to stop you, that you will just get up and leave because that is disrepectful to another human being, whether your child or anyone else. worst case scenerio, if mom is stubborn and won't come around to seeing the need to stop controlling you in ways that are harmful to your well being and learning to be an adult, you may have to say you will not be calling her or visiting her anymore. You will leave the door open to your relationship as you love her but you must have some pu,first see a change of heart to welcome her back into your life. I had a mom who stopped talking to me for quite a while over something very similar. She got over not being able to control the particular situations in my life or my responses to them and eventually we got back together and the relationship was not harmed in any way. Its hard being apart if it comes to it, but if its necessary, then do so, knowing you're doing the best thing for yourself.
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I feel like communication is key. Talking about the things that are piled up inside you will help you sort them out and make you feel better. Keeping them inside will only make you crazy.
My mom's protective of me as well but not overly protective. I think she understands that I won't do anything "stupid" or crazy. Of course, she's correct in thinking that because I am kind of conservative and an introvert. She wants me to be more bold and go out with my friends.
Maybe you could make a compromise with your mom. You could write a list of things you want changed and ask your mom to take a look at it. And TALK about it because I think you need to make her understand that keeping you confined inside the house won't help your social life in the future. Also, you won't be exposed to the different things in life. Tell her gently but firmly and also, make sure to let her talk as well. Ask her what she thinks and why she's so overly protective of you. Listening to her will help you understand the situation from her point of view.
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You are 18 an adult now. This is hard for some parents to understand. Especially if that parent is footing the bills for your education. Still it does not give them the right to control you as you mom seems to be doing. In fact it borders on illegal.
While I don't approve of lying to parents there are many ways and reasons you can give her that are valid reasons for having to stay at school over any given weekend.
Reasons such as becoming a tutor and tutoring other students on weekends. Paper writing that requires the use of the school library whose resources are not available to you at home. Study groups which meet on weekends. Of course there will be other things you may wish to do other than study but that is a byproduct of staying at school to study or work. Speaking of work getting a part time job at school would be another reason you could not come home on weekends.
I'm not suggesting you be defiant towards your mother. what I am suggesting is you give your mother good valid reasons why you cannot come home on a weekend and that you will try to come home the next weekend. If you want to go home the next weekend do so if not give her other valid reasons.
I would say you should try to get home one or possible two weekends out of six. This way you can check up on her and see how she is doing without you being home and she can see how you are doing. Then if everything is going well if you like you can extend the periods between visits home.
It is hard for some of us parents to see are children as adults. It is not that we don't trust you we don't trust others. It is unfortunate but we keep a tighter leash on our daughters then we do are son. The simple reasons are is that are sons cannot get pregnant.
Let me tell you a short. My son is a firefighter/paramedic and has been a firefighter/EMT since he was 19. We were both in the fire department together until I retired. One would think I would have seen him as a man since he was doing a mans job. It wasn't until several years later when both of us were on duty and our companies ended up on the same fire that I saw him not as my little boy but a man. It wasn't watching going into a burning building, I'd seen that many times. I was watching him doing something that is done after the fire is out and we are picking up equipment and getting ready to go back to quarters. Watching him doing what he was doing I saw a man not my son.
This I believe is what you're fighting. Mom does not see you as an adult. She still sees you as a child that requires her ever present watchfulness. Until she sees you as an adult woman you will be fighting this problem. By the way dads are worse. For dads a daughter is always his little girl even when she is all grown up and has children of her own.
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