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Making out with my best friend?
19/f
So, my best friend since high school and I now attend college together. This summer, we started becoming more physical; ie, holding hands at the movies, putting his arm around me, etc. It was very strange at first, but we both were newly single, so I wrote it off as a nice, platonic human connection.
The other night, we got drunk at a party, and he stayed at my place for the night.
Long story short, we ended up making out on my couch. The next day, we acted as if nothing was amiss, went along with our day, and that night, we were watching a movie. He had his arm around me, and I asked him if everything was ok, and he said that anything more than cuddling probably "wasn't okay". But then about five minutes later, we went at it again.
Nobody knows about this, because we agreed to simply not talk about it. I have no idea how to feel about all this. He's my best friend, and I don't want to be his girlfriend. I would definitely go for round three, but I don't know if this is going the wrong direction/will ruin our relationship.
Help!
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I agree with lightoftruth that not talking about what is happening between you is wrong and can eventually hurt your present relationship. The most important thing in any successful relationship, even just being friends, is communication.
You two are at the point now where you have to let the other know just how far you are willing to go forward with your friendship. If cuddling could take you down a road that either of you think could harm your relationship then you need to talk about that and put a stop to the cuddling.
You are at that point where sex is definitely the elephant in the room. Sex between you could be the worst mistake you could make or it could solidify your relationship to the point you two make a lifetime commitment to each other. After all you are good friends now and if you are sexually compatible you have 2/3 of a great life partnership. Then there is the sex with benefits thing to discuss. The sex may be great and you may still have the 2/3 thing working you two just don't see yourselves as a couple.
That is all well and good. The problem is if you do not discuss it this elephant which is in the room will come between you and ruin your friendship. If your friendship is that good that cuddling feels good and allowable. Then you can discuss the other things and get the elephant out of the room and set your boundaries so both know where they are.
These boundaries are movable should you two decide to change them. For now at least you have them and with them your friendship should remain and hopefully prosper.
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Not talking about it isn't going to work.
Even when people who are simply in a friends with benefits relationship, they talk about boundaries.
So by not talking about it, that would be the first thing to destroy the friendship.
You both need to know where you stand because if you both are on different pages, it will end in disaster.
If you both are fine with just hooking up, then fine. If he wants a relationship and you don't, then that's when you know you need to stop or else the friendship will end.
So talk to him. I mean you guys need boundaries. He can't just say that you guys can't do this but then does it anyways. It's confusing. So get it all out in the open.
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I will say that for two people who are not in a relationship at the time with anyone, meaning not having a sex partner and thus no sexual outlet, it is far better to have a best friend for that than just get together with a stranger to take care of those needs. I have had sex partners who were just friends to begin with. In the beginning when we found the attraction going that way sexually, I would make it clear that to me it was a friends with benefits thing, and that there wasn't enough in common to work out for a relationship as a couple.
Although, the successful long term relationships all have couples who are the best friend of their partner. My 2nd husband and I are best friends. And as best friends, we have a lot in common. Having that and the sexual compatibility is what makes a healthy successful relationship.
So I am not sure I understand why in your case you feel he is only best friend material and not anything more.
Often the guy who gets stuck in the "just be friends" category ends up never dating or trying to be never really dating any other girls because the one he is best friends with is the one he wants more with. He is willing to be just friends because he cares so much about her, that at least he has that if not all with her. So what I am saying, is that there is a slight chance that deep down, he's in love with you and wants the whole relationship but is afraid to admit it because in doing so he fears he may jeapordize what he has with you now. If he truly had no sexual desires towards you, and it was just the both of you having sex for sex sake, then why would he be doing the hand holding and arms around each other "signs of affection" if thats not existant.
You need to be honest with yourself as to what about him does not make him a suitable mate, partner. etc... cus to say "Well, he's always been a best friend before so it feels awkward to switch." is not a good enough explanation.
Here's a good example of a good reason.
"We both have lots in common. He's really nice but I don't feel a spark sexually, theres no really sexual chemistry. And we both like too much different stuff in that department."
I'd say the both of you need to have a heart to heart talk, not pretend like nothing happened. You need to make him comfortable to admit if he has more feelings for you than just friend, it may have developed somewhere along the line, in the time you're known him but he is so afraid of losing even your friendship that he doesnt dare discuss what just happened or admit his feelings. Likely, he will deny it if you just point blank ask. At the same time, if he's hanging around hoping that some day your feelings for him might change, its not fair to him to not find that lady who will love him as her bestfriend and lover and want to be a dating couple or in a long term relationship with him. He needs to know how open you are to ever having that kind of relationship with him, and if not...why. It might hurt his feelings, but in the long run, its healthier that he doesnt continue to live a life of false hope being your friend.
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