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is he right to be so angry with me and treat me like i have cheated on him. or is he just being paranoid?
Hi. I need some advide. ive been with my partner for 3 years but things have started getting bad as he saw on my phone i have been talking to my childs father. he sais he cant trust me and that we may have to brake up. i need to no if it is wrong to be friendly with my daughters father as there is nothing sexual involved? is he right to be so angry with me and treat me like i have cheated on him. or is he just being paranoid. would really appreciate your advice. thankyou
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Not all previous relationships and marriages end on a bad note. There are those who part on friendly terms, still love each other like a family member but not romantically. They just weren't headed in the same direction or had the same goals and dreams, etc...
My new husband is a good example. He has one college age daughter who decided to move with him out of state instead of stay with mom for various reasons. The ex was an orphan no family or siblings so the only people she is close to and has to talk to if she needs some emotional support is him or his dad, thats it. I had to be secure in myself to not take things the wrong way when he answers her maybe once a year crisis call and I hear, "Hi honey. Oh I'm so sorry to hear that baby." If he's the loving thoughtful man I thought I married, then he should be that way. We can't force ourselves to not talk in a caring manner to someone who used to be part of our lives in a different way. She's been out to visit twice. Neither of them have any romantic feelings for each other and I could plainly see they were more like siblings now.
I share my story so you can see that I know what I am talking about. Your guy could handle your talking to your childs daddy, if he was secure in his position with you. Reassurances might help but if he has an extremely low self esteem, nothing is going to help. How often you must speak with the ex may be based on what is going on with the child. I know a guy whose boy is autistic and he is in constant contact with the mom over every new thing that comes up and for a while it was more of the crisis issues. His partner was understanding.
If it's a well adjusted child without any problems that require both parents making constant decisions for her, then the calls are going to depend on how much the dad wants to be involved in hearing about his daughters life. A child is only going to say so much to her dad on the phone. It will take you keeping him updated on all the cute little things he missed out on by not being able to be there with his daughter on a daily basis. And then, if the two of you care about each other as human beings, you will want to know how the other is doing, how was the hike, how did the job interview go, did you try out the recipe i gave you? stuff like that. That is being a caring human being dear, nothing for anyone else to make you feel ashamed of or guilty for doing. If there is no longer any romantic or sexual feelings for the ex, he poses no threat to your new partner.
My only guess is that in 3 years of being with you, your boyfriend never once saw you recieve a call from your childs dad or you telling him you needed some time to make a call to daughters daddy. If you kept the calls private so he had no knowledge of them, out of concern for not wanting to make him feel uncomfortable, he could simply have reacted more to the fact that the phone calls were in private because he thinks that means there is something to hide.
He is making some pretty big judgements saying he cant trust you and that you need to break up if this is a decision he's come to without being able to be an adult and have a good conversation about it.
He may be the type of person who needs to hear how much you love him and why he's a better match for you than the ex was. We don't tend to always ask those things but need to know. Both me and hubby know all about each others ex's and any girl and boyfriends of the past. But we also build each other up daily with compliments, ways of saying how special the partner is, and different loving touches throughout the day. Thats why we both are secure in our status as spouse, no matter what else is going on.
Is your boyfriend needs to feel and hear more of those assurances than the average person, it does not necessarily mean he has low self esteem, you'd see that in other areas of his life as well if that were the case. Its okay to give him reassurances if needed and thats' something you may want to address in a conversation. Don't put it off. Get him to share details, not make broad statements like I cant trust, we might have to break up. Find out whats behind them but he has to feel comfortable and non threatened to even admit to whats driving him to feel this way. talk in a calm voice all the way through. Even when he starts to lose it, say calming things and let him know how much you love him and thats why you want to discuss this because if you have unknowingly hurt him by some action you committed or omitted, you want to know what it really was, and you want him to know what your intentions were and have been all along. If the calls were private and he had no knowledge of them, let him know why and explain it in a positive manner, not a negative one like "I wanted to spare you hearing all my calls of duty to the ex cus my dirty laundry is none of your business anyways. (it is if he's in relationship with you) and instead, "I didn't want to take up any of our private time at home together with talking to my childs father. I've made a promise to be in touch regularly with updates of events in her life. That is the only reason I made the calls at times other than when home together with you. I have nothing to hide so if you really don't mind, then I will make the calls when we're home together." There's lots you can talk about. You can share what kinds of stuff you've talked about. If the examples I gave are things he can't handle you having conversation about, then he's the one with issues and people do not change quickly if ever about something like this during their lifetime. If this one event is something he can get over with explanations and reassurances, then great. If he can't, then it's time for the relationship to end. If he can't trust you in one area, there will be other things he doesnt trust. And trust is one of the essential parts to a healthy relationship. Without it, forcing it, staying together is like carrying around a dead horse. WHY? You ride a healthy horse, and obviously cant ride a dead one, so why put all the effort into carrying around a dead one? It doesn't profit you any.
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Your childs father is always going to be a part of your life. He needs to accept that.
I always say that an ex doesn't need to be a friend unless there is a child involved.
I don't think that you guys need to talk all the time or talk every day, but you guys need to be on good terms.
So you guys need to talk this out on what is and what is not acceptable in the relationship.
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He has right to be upset but regardless your child's father is always going to play a role in your life as well as your child's and he will have to deal with that. It's better to be friendly with him then to have custody issues among other things. So yes he has a right to be angry because he wants your attention and yes you have a right to be frustrated with him but to settle it, talk it out, be honest and reassure him that theres nothing going on and that you love HIM not your child's father.
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