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can a man and woman really be just friends? Even when they are in a relationship
The questions everyone wonders is if a man and woman can be close friends.
An acquaintance, yes, a close personal friend? I am not sure. It's not that you can't maintain a friendship with a person of the opposite sex, it's that their (or your) romantic partners will very often ruin the friendship.
My GF and I lived together for about 6 months before we started dating. We had both had significant others, but then she broke up with hers and my relationship was in tatters already. When I approached her about a relationship she said she was interested, but worried that if it didn't work out it would ruin our friendship. I really hurt her feelings with my reply, which was something like this:
'Look, as much as I enjoy your friendship it is destined to fail. Sooner or later you will find a boyfriend and move out. Slowly we will lose contact because of your life with your new boyfriend. Your new boyfriend might be suspicious of us, especially since we have been living together.'
She took that as my not valuing her as a friend, but was completely wrong. I DID and still do value her friendship, but I was under no illusions that we could remain such close friends when she would eventually meet someone else. Our friendship was going to drop to the level of an acquaintance. Both of us went into this friendship with no attraction and no expectations. We were acquaintances for about 6 months when she found herself without a place to stay. She was an acquaintance who needed a place to stay and I was in need of additional income and with 2 spare bedrooms. I even cooked a big meal for the 4 of us (My then GF, her, her boyfriend and myself) one evening. I never particularly liked her BF, but I could be around him for short periods of time. Had that relationship continued, she would have eventually moved out and moved in with him and our friendship would have been significantly diminished back to the level of acquaintance. He was suspicious of our friendship and had my then GF not been there, it would have been "Move out of that house or I'm breaking up with you" and I wouldn't have blamed him. I have no doubt at all that if we hadn't hooked up, she would be a long lost friend or someone I occasionally chat with on the phone by now (it's been 10 years). I eventually forced the issue by saying 'you can't continue to live here with us both having romantic feelings for each other and remain friends'. Unbeknownst to me, she had already been looking to move out because she didn't want to be a home wrecker. I told her I was done with my now ex and that I was breaking up with her one way or another. So we gave it a try and we're still together.
Even close male friends will pull back from you when they get a new girlfriend, in my experience it is even worse when that friend is a woman. She now has obligations to this other guy who will be suspicious of a close male friend. At best, I think you can have acquaintances of the opposite sex, but unless the significant others really get along, it just fizzles out. I've had this happen a number of times with both male and female friends. Two couples that are all friends are the best set of circumstances I can think of if a good friendship can survive the other person's (and yours) romantic interests.
So to sum it up, I think it's not really that you can't be friends with a member of the opposite sex, it's that their love life (and possibly yours) will reduce the friendship to that of an acquaintance. It might also just be semantics and how I define the word "friend".
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I think I can see both sides here though I'm somewhat at a loss as to how to explain what I see here.
First her side. You as her id she wants to be in a relationship then you tell her that when she is worried that if it does not workout a valued friendship was bound to fail anyway.
She is looking at the comfort and support of the friendship going to the next level. While you are being overly realistic with your thoughts on what could happen. Sure friendships do grow apart but they do not have too. While your explanation was realistic but the plausibility factor was lacking.
I believe what she heard was you were not looking for a relationship as much as you were looking for a friend with benefits relationship. That probably was not what you meant though it is easy for her to make that assumption.
Your problem in all this was a very or overly realistic answer to something that may or may not happen. Your friends now. Many great relationships start off on a friendship bases and grow from their.
Ask any happily married couple who their best friend is and they will almost always respond that it is their spouse. It has to be this way to stay married for a lifetime. I'm married 42 years, my wife is my best friend. She has to be to put up with me. No one but a best friend would put up with me or me with her.
sex is only one part of a relationship or marriage. In actuality as you grow in the relationship sex becomes less important to the relationship. Compatibility in other areas become important for you cannot spend your entire waking hours in bed making love.
Other interests such as Arts, Entertainment, food, Sports, vacations and yes even decorating become just as important. Then comes family; do you want children? If so how many? How close in age should they be? These are not stumbling blocks, these are a natural progression of any relationship that is going to survive and prosper.
In my younger days I changed jobs frequently as I built a reputation in the industry I chose to be in. When I was recruited I always accepted an offer on a condition that the offer was acceptable to my wife. Why, because she had a stake in how I earned my living as it left her home many nights alone with the children. One recruiter said he needed my answer then and there unconditionally. I knew what my wife's answer would be and knew I could accept his offer. I didn't, three weeks later they called me again, up there offer and asked me to call them back after I spoke to my wife.
Relationships and marriage are a 50/50 proposition. Your explanation sounded like the friendship be damned lets go to the next level and will deal with what happens later. This is not a 50/50 start.
I believe that you need to sit down with her and explain the realistic side of took control and that you are not looking for a friends with benefits relationship. That you do love her and want to see if a long term possibly life time relationship can be built. If so then you don't have to worry about friendship for she will always be your best friend.
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Are you asking for opinions? It seems like all you wanted was to write an essay on your own experiences.
I think you've made a few errors here.
You're young, and you are extrapolating a fact about all men and woman from one rather specific experience you had with a female friend you were extremely attracted too, while you were both in other relationships.
That's not a good example of a friendship between two people of the opposite sex. You were never 'just friends'. I think you were right about your situation: You two couldn't have been friends, because you both clearly wanted more than a friendship.
Her boyfriend and your girlfriend were never the problem. Your own desires made a real friendship impossible. Her boyfriend was simply picking up on that reality.
ALL friendships only work out if both parties want a friendship.
Men and women can be just friends.
That's a simple fact you can see reflected throughout the world.
However, the younger you are, the less likely it is to happen. "Being Friends" isn't something we are born knowing how to do. Just like we go through grade-school learning not to be bullies or jerks to our friends, we also don't really learn how to be friends with the opposite sex until we have quite a few romantic relationships behind us, and have really honed in on what we want from both relationships and friendships. In the early days of female/male friendships, those sorts of boundaries and expectations are still being formed, and the definitions almost always get fuzzy for everyone involved.
As you get older, you'll usually find that your friends become better at balancing their new relationships with old friendships. Mature partners can be better at respecting the friendships their partner chooses - whether they be with males or females. That is the kind of trust and respect that experience earns.
Being a good friend is about skill and experience, not about rules of the universe when it comes to women and men.
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