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Changed my boyfriend to someone he's not?!
So my boyfriend and i just got into a fight and he told me that the reason he stopped giving as muh effort in the relationship is because i changed him into someone hes not. I molded him into my perfect boyfriend without any flaws and now he wants to be himself. Since were senior now we have to really find ourselves before we head off into college so yeah. I feel so guilty that ive done this to him and the one time he decides to have a serious conversation with me about it wihtout knowing he wanted a comversaion i triggered his hormonal side. And now were in the biggest fight ever and almost breaking up since i brought up the breaking up part because i got tired of crying because he didnt give enough effort. But i also really want to be with him so much im willing to accept this flawed boyfriend because he said that the only way a couple will last that if they respect each other and their flaws. But do you think hed be willing to give our relationship a try again? Should i break up with him so he can find someone that wouldnt want to change him?? Im in self conflict. We're both seniors.
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I really don't know where to start.
I think he's just using this as an excuse to not putting effort into the relationship. But that's beside the point.
You're not supposed to change a man. Honestly, you can't. Girls get into relationships with guys thinking that they can change them, but that guy won't really ever change. He'll still be the same person unless he chose to change on his own. You'll just end up heartbroken because in the end, he never did change.
You were supposed to accept him in the beginning of the relationship.
What exactly are those flaws? I mean nobody is perfect but if it's a deal breaker, then just don't date him, don't try to change him.
In my personal opinion, you guys need to break up, or at least take a break so that you can learn more about relationships.
It's wrong of him to accuse you of doing this to him though. You didn't force him to change. You just can't. He's just mad that you want him to be someone he's not.
It's wrong of you to try to get him to change.
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Zane was right, you have the wrong idea about relationships. But hey we all have to learn somewhere and this isn't a subject taught in school, however it is in books and I highly suggest you start checking out what the local bookstore has, find an author easy to understand and follow who explains the difference between men and women, mentally, emotionally, how they think, perceive, etc... There's lots more to discover and learn about than just the changing of oneself issue. One of my daughters after a breakup read a book and told me she could now see some things they she was doing wrong.
The answer to your question is to let the boyfriend go. It will be hard because while your conscious mind see's that it isn't going to work, your subconscious mind where all our feelings and emotions come from, isn't going to necessarily be on the same page and feel that hurt.
I will say this for the boyfriend, he's smart to see that it is important to respect each other and realize that changing yourself for someone is not good and he's feeling the frustration for it. However, he is incorrect in that it is your fault. Throughout our lives we will come up against many situations all with their own pressures, like the pressure he felt from you.
These are opportunities for personal growth. A few of us are strong and smart enough to resist the pressures and stand up for what we believe is best no matter what. But a good many of us, especially when we are young, cave in to pressure from others and then can't face the fact that we were weak and allowed it, so we point the finger and blame others. You will never be able to make a person do something they don't want to do. We can be a point of pressure, but how the other responds to that pressure is a process that takes place entirely inside of them, the responsibility for their response rests entirely on their shoulders. If a friend began to relentlessly pressure you every day to go jump off a bridge, you would never give in to that pressure. You know that would be a life threatening decision. So if they didn't stop with their harassment, what would you do? You'd stop seeing them, you'd separate your association from them.
That is what is happening here.
As for being perfect, while I agree there is no one who is perfect, I must state that there will be people who are more perfect for you than others.
Why is it that you aren't best friends with every type of girl in school? Because you weren't naturally drawn to each other, you had too many differences and not enough things in common. Have you and girlfriends had misunderstandings and gotten angry at each other? Sure, we all have, me included. The same applies to having a boyfriend or a life long male partner. The only difference is that there is the sexual side of things here, unless the lady was bi-sexual.
A lot of the possibility of issues or fights erupting come from either both being too immature or inexperienced yet in relationships or a combo of both......or......from having too many differences. We tend to stick with or stay with what feels comfortable because most people hate change so we'd rather have the relationships that don't even have a chance of surviving long rather than end it and start the scary process of searching all over again for someone.
He's not willing to stay with you because to some extent, he has figured it out that you aren't right for him. And its not because you are flawed or lacking in some way. A person who is not right for one individual, will find they are perfect for another.
Flaws should be minor, the little irritating things that give you a chance to learn to better control your self and your emotions, not major differences that will destroy a relationship in the end.
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You have the wrong idea about relationships.
I disagree with Rahzie in which I very rarely ever do.
There is a difference in wanting to change and being manipulated and controlled into making you change.
It is absolutely wrong to try and change someone, A relationship is about loving someone for who they are. No guy/woman is going to want to be in a relationship with someone who is controlling and doesn't like them for who they are as a person. I most certainly wouldn't want to be with someone who puts constant pressure on me to be someone I am not. You don't own him, He is not your object. You aren't respecting him and now he is weighed down and on the brink of cracking.
You need to except people for who they are. The whole idea is to let the person be themselves, Learn to communicate and trust them. Unfortunately there may not be much you can do for the relationship at this point. It will be hard yes, but you should take this as a lesson learned. When someone gets controlled for a period of time, They end up not being happy and don't want to proceed any further. Let him go
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It is impossible, completely and utterly impossible, for someone to change another person.
If your boyfriend changed during your relationship, it is because HE CHOSE TO CHANGE. He didn't have to. He may regret his choice, but you didn't hold a gun to his head. If he has acted like a person other than the person he feels he truly is, then he has done both of you a disservice by not standing up for himself, and talking to you honestly about himself.
You didn't do anything to him. He did it to himself.
Maybe you aren't good for each-other right now. Maybe you have expectations for a relationship that he doesn't share, or can't met. Maybe you demanded things he didn't want to give, but he gave in anyways. None of that makes you a monster - it just makes you a bad fit as boyfriend and girlfriend.
I think you should end the relationship - not because you want to change him so badly - but because he's blaming you for something that is more his fault, than it can ever be yours.
You may be flawed, and you may have made mistakes, but as soon as someone tries to tell you that their choices and their feelings are YOUR FAULT and you have to fix that for them, they have no respect for themselves, or for you.
Maybe you did ask him to change more than was fair. Maybe you had unrealistic expectations. Maybe you didn't have enough tolerance of his flaws, but the flaw of 'blames you for his own choices and feeling' it's the kind of flaw that shouldn't be tolerated.
Walk away from this. It's doesn't go well from here. Try to be better and more respectful in your next relationship. but never let someone else demand you take responsibility for all of their mistakes or unhappinesses, and never blame someone else for your choices or feelings either. We are each fundamentally responsible for ourselves, even in a relationship.
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