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Not The Same After Being Cheated On
18/m
So lately I have been having problems liking girls. I start to like them and like them for a month or so then my feelings fade away and get annoyed by them or get really picky of what they do.
I dated this girl for 11 months and she cheated on me and treated me like shit, about a month later or so I found a new girl and I liked her alot then as I said my feelings just disappear and I get annoyed.
This summer I found a good girl who genuinely liked me for me. I liked her a lot for about 2 months then one day was just sick of her and no feelings for her.
Why is this happening and how do I make it stop? It use to never happen to me. I was usually pretty spot on when I liked a girl.
Any help is appreciated! Thanks :)
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Being cheated on is never easy. It's painful, especially when you are with someone that long. But truthfully, I think subconciously you are predicting that each girl will hurt you. Basically, this ex girlfriend of yours cheating on you, made you afraid to get involved with someone new, get too close to them. Because as soon as you open your heart, it makes your vulnerable to more hurt. So, without you even knowing, you keep your walls up. Your head tells you that little things she does annoys you, and it's giving you reasons to not like her anymore. You are justifying your walls.
How do you make it stop? Well, sweetheart. You need to let someone in. You could try an online relationship, just for the sake of an example. You could get to know her, and her you, without you having to notice all her physical habits. I think once you let someone back in, give them a chance, you will have a much easier time. But just because you need to let someone in, does not mean you must settle for less. Make sure to find someone that you can actually make a connection with :)
Be well! :)
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Something important to a relationship is trust. Trust was broken when you were cheated on. I have the feeling you are going into a new relationship thinking you should be able to feel total trust right at the beginning until they do something to break the trust. There's the problem. Trust takes some time to build up in any relationship, even like parents trusting their kids, or business partner trusting the other partner. Trust must be earned over time by an individual. It is very fragile and can be totally destroyed so easily. You can't expect yourself to fully trust a girl immediately....but you can spend time with and get to know her. If you are not giving any girl enough time to have the chance to prove herself and gain your trust over time because you lose interest, I'd say its more of something going on in your subconscious mind. The subc. mind in wanting to protect you, has decided to make you lose feelings for a girl before it can get far enough along to possibly end the same way.
That is defeatist thinking. Your conscious mind may not believe that but your sub. does and the subc. mind is where our feelings and emotions come from.
If you can learn to trust your ability to be a good judge of people, if you know what you're really looking for, then all thats left is that you understand that dating is a process where we slowly get to know another person to see if over time they are still the perfect match for us in all ways, as best friends which includes the unconditional love, respect, trust, good communication, etc...and sexual compatibility meaning you have the same level of libidos (not all people do) and have the same fantasies and fetishes.
In the dating process, we won't find the perfect person the first time. Its a process where we get better and better at spotting the things we don't like in the other person and we back away from that. Its get to be such a good ability that you c an observe this gal interacting in a crowd and already see that which you don't like and won't tolerate and you don't even have to date to find out. People will put up a false front to look their best for someone, so often it takes about 2 months for the fake mask to slip to allow you to see the real person. On a 3rd date with a guy was when the mask slipped and I could see that he was a man with a temper, and verbally abusive, directed at his housekeeper. Just like my ex. So I finished dinner with him and when he called next, I told him that after 3 dates, I decided we didn't have enough chemistry. You may still need to do the same thing. Don't be afraid to discover a person who cheats or shows their true self early on in the relationship, thats actually a good, thing that it is exposed quickly so you can move on. Inventors and scientists know you dont get it right the first time, you have to try over and over and over and over.....etc.... before you have success. Other than the 1% who meet the right person, first one they date...the rest of us have to go through the process of sorting through lots of duds, before we discover the gem.
So you need to have an honest talk with yourself, and your subc. mind, cus it acts often like a 2nd person inhabiting the same body and many people fight their subc mind and it fights them. So you need to come to a happy medium you are both comfortable with. If in the long run, you can't get past this, you may need to see a hypnotherapist since they deal with treating the subconscious mind. Good luck!
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Do you think all this happened because you were cheated on?
If so, then you probably have some unresolved issues and maybe you're afraid of it happening again. You know that if you don't get past this, you might pass up a nice girl who might be perfect for you.
Are you still in school? Maybe try talking to a counselor. It's good to get it out and then see what they can do to help you.
I think you should just take a break from looking for girls or talking to them as more than friends. You'll have more time on yourself and figuring out what's going on.
Even if you start having feelings for another girl. If you stay at the friends stage, you might like them longer and get to know them better before you guys jump into the liking each other stage. Then maybe you won't be annoyed or lose feelings.
Or maybe none of these girls are right for you. Maybe there are some things that you just don't like in them that are deal breakers and made you lose feelings.
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It's always difficult when you put your feelings on the line and they're mishandled. It could be the reason why your having difficulty settling into another long term relationship. It also may be because your genuinely not interested in having a serious relationship with these girls. As to how to make it stop, that is the more difficult part; because only your capable of understanding how to do that. Nobody knows you better than yourself. Your off to a good start by talking about the situation. You stated this happened after a bad relationship, so I would start their. Work through the relationship yourself or talk to others, trying to resolve the negative feelings brought from it. I believe when we feel hurt, our feelings have a way of shutting down to prevent further pain and the only way to stop it is resolve the conflict that caused it. Even if it means revisiting times that we would rather not. Hope this helps.
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