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Question About Parental Love (And Be Honest)
Last summer, I read a story about someone whose son had died. The person who wrote it said that losing a firstborn is more difficult than losing any other child. Being a second born, this upsets me very much. I know that my mom doesn't feel this way, but I'm Worried that my dad might. I hear people say that they love their children equally, but what good does equal love do when you feel this way?
I've heard some other sucky things about second borns, like that their parents resent them for taking their time and attention away from the first. Or that they're destructive to the family structure. I even heard that fathers fall in love with their first child at first site, but take months to feel anything for their other children. I hear a lot of things that make me resentful of the position of the first born. I also kind of hate parents who feel this way about their second child.
Be honest, does anyone here with multiple children have any of these feelings?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
As a parent I can tell you we love each of our children equally be they first born, second born or last born. What deferrers between them is how we parent each child.
All children are not alike, they are unique individuals as such we need to parent them differently. You may be a self-motivated child. So a carrot and stick type of parenting may not to motivate you. Your sibling(s) may not be self motivated as such parenting them will be different.
How each parent chooses to parent each child may appear that one child is being favored over another. This is not true, this is just how or what we have found that helps us to teach this child right from wrong and to motivate this child to do what is expected of them. In the process Our other children may think we are favoring their sibling. If so then that is our fault as we did something wrong.
You guys don't come with handbooks like new cars. We have to learn how to operate you, so to speak, on the job from the day you are born. Are we going to make mistakes? Unfortunately that answer is yes. Hopefully they are little ones we can easily correct.
The biggest mistake we can make is to give any of our children the feeling we love one of them more than the other. This is just not true. IF one of our children were to die it is going to hurt us regardless of whether it is the first, second or last. Any parent losing a child would rather die themselves then have one of their children lose their lives.
If this is truly how you feel then somewhere mom and dad have let you down. If this is just a feeling you have because you read about it. Then forget what you have read for it is just not true. If this is truly bothering you then I suggest you ask mom to get you some counseling to work out why you feel this way and to work with you and your parents to correct why you may feel this way.
In my book there is no reason you or any other child should feel less loved than one of their siblings. It's just not possible for a parent not to have full love in a child. We can be unhappy with you over something you did or didn't do but not love you; no chance in that ever failing.
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Razhie was right in their response. We all love others differently. Take for example the raising of children. The tips and rules parents are told to use may apply with one child but they need a totally different way to parent each additional child because each one is not a carbon copy of the other, each is unique. Siblings aren't all going to be as close to each other and parents to children because of these differences, but it doesn't mean we don't love each other.
It doesn't matter at what point a child is born into the family, you can be first born like me, middle, end or anywhere else inbetween and each one can easily find plenty reasons why being in that position in the line up sucks more than any of the others. LOL Mine as a teen was that I was responsible to look out for my siblings, especially when parents went out on weekends. As I got old enough to go out with groups of friends at 17, 18, they were still expecting me to hang around and watch over a sibling 10 years younger. The ones in between were the age I was when I first got the responsiblity. I brought it to parents attention and they realized I had a point and next time I was free to go and another teen sister had the job of watching the youngest. I was always going to be the oldest and so the pressure to be a good example was always pushed on me. I didn't really resent any of it. I had a pretty good self image/self esteem, so I didnt let it bother me. I remember the youngest one complain when all the teens got to leave to go some where on their own and mom wouldn't allow her to tag along. She resented for a while being the youngest. There was always something she wasnt old enough for.
So you need a change of thoughts, 'get rid of the stinking thinking' as one psychologist wrote in his book. First thing is to become aware of the fact that a bigger percentage of your daily thoughts are negative compared to positive. We all tend to do that to some extent. But some of us have learned to catch ourselves doing that. The book i read long ago said to capture that negative thought, such as in your case "A second born child isn't loved as much by parents". Our subconscious mind where all our feelings and emotions are stored is also like our inner child, a very undisciplined child. Your conscious mind has the responsibility to train it.
So...the moment you catch a negative belief or thought enter your head, tell yourself "I reject that thought" and then tell yourself something positive to put in its place. Use an example of something loving or supportive mom or dad said to you the other day or just make a positive general statement. "I know mom loves me cus she made the effort to stop what she was doing and ask me how my day went."
But beware that once you start trying to be aware of negative thoughts, you notice at first they drop into your mind faster than the volumn of drips from a leaky faucet. It's bad...hahaha. So don't be discouraged. The first week of daily doing this can be quite mentally exhausting. If you feel you aren't making any progress, I'd take Razhies advice and think about seeing a counselor.
Good luck dear!
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This isn't the honesty you are looking for, but you should see a therapist.
These stories are sticking in your head, clearly because you have issues in your own family. Trying to find out how other people feel about their kids, isn't going to help you address your own unhappiness or issues in your own family. That's something you've got to take on on a personal level, not as research.
I don't have children, but I am the second born of eight siblings, so I'll give you insight for the perspective I do have.
I know my parents love all of us.
I also know, they don't always LIKE us all.
We are now eight adults (or late teens) and we have different skills and interests - some of us can play golf with my dad or go to theatre with my mom - and some of us don't, because some of us don't like those things. Some of us are nicer people than others, to be totally honest. I am NOT the most friendly of my siblings, but I'm not the least... I love all my siblings, but there are some I wouldn't want to spend a whole weekend with, and there are others who I could go on a two week vacation with and have a great time! That's okay. We're all people. It's okay to feel differently about different people.
I've certainly felt jealous or resentful of my siblings at different points in my life. Sometimes they seemed to be getting loved, or supported in ways I wasn't. In hindsight, this was largely because they either needed love or supported that I didn't need, or because they asked for it, and I never asked.
I don't think all parents are quite as good at being parents as mine are - mine mostly rock at it - but I do think most parents love their children equally, but that doesn't mean they understand them all as well, or that they had the exact same experiences with each child.
What good is equal love? Maybe it's not that much good when we are different people, with different connections, interests, skills and flaws, but it's worth accepting and not railing against. Maybe it's not that much good when parents are people too - who might just be lousy as being parents, for all or for for some of their kids. Maybe equal love doesn't change much.
This much I am absolutely sure of: If you have history or relationship troubles with a family member (or members) that are causing you pain, that is something you should address with a therapist, as an individual. It's not going to be healed, or made better by trying to psychanalyse every parents idea of the first and second born. In fact, that approach is likely to make you feel worse, since the human brain privileges information and theories that support our preexisting state of mind. If you go it alone, without an impartial supporter who can help you distinguish your personal reality from theory and other people stories, you will almost definitely end up feeling more isolated and more resentful, not less.
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