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Is it wrong of me not to want these relatives around?
I have a frickin' complex because of how my sister always manages to be the center of my dad's and his side of the family's attention. It's like they do their best to make me feel ignored and never shut up about her.
Saturday is my birthday and my dad wants my grandmother and probably my cousins to be there. I don't because it's the one day of the year when I'm the center of attention and can make my family do what I want, but not if they're there. They'll all be more interested in my sister and they'll probably try to change our plans. For example, my cousin will surely want to change the restaurant we're going to eat at from my favorite place to whatever rat hole she likes. They probably won't want to go to the movie I want to see after dinner and will take up so much of our time that we can't see it either.
I know this sounds mean, but I don't want them at my birthday. I don't want to spend my birthday with people with people who don't care about me and like it when I feel left out or unloved. Is this bad?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
I don't know if all how you feel has only been internalized or if it has been brought out into the open. Even grown adults can mindlessly be doing things they actually don't know are hurting another person and once brought to their attention in more detail other than, "Its not fair, its my birthday, I want to go to this restaurant." Loving caring people will realize their mistakes, apologize and correct their behavior. But sometimes they can be quite dense as far as understanding their actions versus others feelings and for sure, they are not mind readers.
I am assuming you are a teen because you live at home with parents. While its nice to have family get togethers if all get along, the only time I think it appropriate to have relatives strictly for a birthday celebration is when the children are too young to have formed any friendships and want friends over for a birthday party.
Have they never allowed you to have girlfriends for a sleep over. Give you cash instead of a gift and dump you and friends off at the mall to go shopping and then to a movie?
That would be normal family behavior. To want a 2nd party with all the relatives is also normal.
You will have to let them know what you are feeling. Put it into great detail. You should have more than one day of the year where people will listen to you, what you think and feel and if you have something better to contribute, go with your plans. I am really guessing here. But at your age, I got upset with people easily but to give them credit, I was kinda shy and didn't often put how i felt into words, my issues were more with peers than family. However as I learned to become more assertive in a non combatant way, and speak my thoughts and feelings and have a stronger self image, then I began to be noticed, never have a problem anymore with assuming someone is ignoring me, trying to intentionally disregard my feelings and once I had that attitude, and shared my choices out of confidence, People took notice. I know with my own daughters that I could not tell if anything was bothering them if they didn't bring it up. When you bring it up makes a difference too, such as if the parent is distracted. I made time to sit with each daughter in private in her bedroom and ask her how things were going in school, how were things with her friends. It's amazing the amount of stuff that weighed heavy on their minds that I was able to give advice for. Not everyones parents are going to be as together as I was as a parent. You may need to sit mom down for a talk separate in your room. Tell her you need her full attention. Explain that maybe you haven't come out and fully shared before or not stressed how important an issue this is to you but here's the situation. When this and this happens it makes you feel like this an this. Ask her if she believes it is fair to be able to choose as a birthday person where you get to eat out or what movie to see. If she does not,,indeed you have a problem and may want to ask a school counselor about talking to your parents and getting the family in for counseling for your own mental health. Having family that will give no considerations to you can at worst case scenerio, bring on depression, failing grades in teens, self cutting, or attempts at suicide. Yes, I have heard from teens with issues no greater than yours who suffered through all those things because of unresolved issues with either parents family or their peers. So it is serious and your parents need to take it as such. You may want to explain the seriousness part I just spelled out. Save my answer here to show them if you feel the need to. If your dads side of the family has so little of a life that they don't ever go out to eat where they want or out to a movie they wish to see, then they have no life and need to get a life. It is inconsiderate to show up at someone birthday celebration, be told you're going out to a certain restaurant and then change the plans to something they like better. If this is truly going on and your parents have no backbone to stand up to them and insist that it is your choice, then your parents have only one choice left but to hold two partys. One just for the inconsiderate relatives who get their once a year outing on your birthday to go do what they want to do, and another party they hold just for you with all your teen friends or with your parents siblings and a couple friends, Where you get to do what you want to do.
But its not going to happen if you don't fight for it. In most cases, once a person has spoken up and gotten through to their parents, things change for the better. As for your sis seeming more popular, she has a different personality and is likely more outgoing than you. The quiet ones are harder to even know the talents of and to ooh and ahh over. Of my 3 daughters, one seems to have natural talents at just about everything to do with applied arts and performed arts, talent she seems born with that she needs little or no training for while her sisters dont come by it naturally and must work and study hard to accomplish a fraction of what she does so easily. Such people are a novelty, even this daughter amazes me sometimes with her abilities. My other two, arent as obvious as to what their talents are, they aren't as blatantly out on the surface for others to see, and for them, as the years go by and they mature as people, i am starting to see strengths and abilities in them that don't stand out for entertainment value but as the kinds of attributes you find in the kinds of people who are the movers and shakers of society that make things happen. They are young adults and each totally different than each other and each is special in their own way.
Ask your parents to try to find more time to spend with you one on one. Some of the battle will not be solved by getting extra attention from parents, its in your own mind and you will need to come to grips with any self defeatist attitudes you may have been harboring.
I hope this all has been some encouragement to you. I know how it feels being at your end and also how it is being the parent of teen girls who may not come out and say whats bothering them.
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look, it's time you stood up to everyone. Tell them you are a person with feelings as well and your opinions and feelings, likes and dislikes matter as much as any one else including your sister. I would let them invite whom every they wish. You plan your party and stick to it. It's YOUR day! If they don't like it they can leave- win/win situation. perhaps they see you as a passive person who has no opinions and looks for others to make your decisions. I don't know, but if you don't say something it will only get worse and eat at you until you explode and lose it completely. You definitely need to have a conversation with your dad about who he treats you better than your sister. This just isn't right. He may just not realize it. He might have more in common with her who knows. But tell him how you feel sooner than later.
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you should talk to your dad and tell him what is going on and why you don't want them at your birthday party believe me I totally understand what that is like . Maybe if you tell your mom and dad that you don't want them there he won't invite them . I mean it's your party and you should be able to invite who you want there . I hope I have helped you and by the Happy Birthday !
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