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Proper advice, please?
This is kind of long, but please bare with me.
I met this guy about 2 months ago from a friend. ( He is 24, and im 18) age difference is not an issue for many reasons, especially the fact that i live in Egypt, so its normal over here) we got really close and he took my number and since then we've never stopped talking, we wont even go a day without talking at all.. hes always writing me asking me what im doing, where im going or HOW im going, tells me to message him when i know, calls me baby or acts like were together. Now i cant even begin to explain how much feelings i have for him, im addicted and im so attached at this point. He wasnt saying anything about the way we are with eachother so honestly, i got fed up and brought it up with him. I told him that i just wanna know where we stand, and what we are exactly. and if he treats girls the way he treats me or if im different. He told me that im special to him but that there are two things 1st thing, that he lives a different lifestyle that i do (he drinks, smokes up, clubs, bars) and im not like that all (not that i judge or anything, i just personally do not approve of that kind of lifestyle) and he knows i wont be able to handle it or deal with it, and 2nd ) he doesnt want commitment especially with a girl like me because supposdly im so "perfect and amazing" and he doesnt want me to change for him because he thinks hes wrong but he isnt ready for change. So this is what i did, i was like okay i understand, and barely called or texted him anymore.. since then hes been blowing up my cell phone always constantly calling me telling me he misses me , i pretended to be asleep once when he called so that the conversation doesnt prolong. and he was like okay please go to sleep but give me a kiss first, and started being all cute with me and stuff, so i just went along with it and since then i havent been calling or texting, hes the one who always initiates conversation and acts the same with me and i think hes noticed that im different. Now, my question is. what do i do? how do i treat him? he said he doesnt want anything serious for now yet he calls me and texts me all the time. i dont know what to do anymore :/ my feelings for him wont go away this way and im just confused and im hurt honestly cause i feel like if he really wanted me he would have been with me already. i just dont knw and i want to know whats the right thing to do. Thank you for taking the time to answer this, i appreciate it :)
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One very dangerous thing to do is assume that people can change simply cus they say they want to. Change is hard and scary and most humans on the planet today will not make any very big changes for the better if at all during their lifetime.
that said, the few who decide to change for another person (lets say he's says he's dropping his clubbing and drinking and becoming a different person that way) its not a good thing to change who you are to please another person or to "win them over" I tried doing that for a guy...very bad mistake. Two things can happen, the person begins to resent and treat badly the person that they decided to change for or vice versa. Or the person who tried to change ends up losing respect for either themselves or their partner loses respect for them because they are'nt really being themselves.
That fact that his conscious mind realizes you both live too different a life so there can be nothing between you is not getting through to his subconscious mind. His subconscious mind is what keeps having these feelings of thinking your so wonderful and wanting you to be part of his life...and why? Because our subconscious is where all our feelings and emotions are based and often our subc. mind isn't making the best most logical decisions for us or makes us look torn between two choices. Dont count on him changing. You did the right thing asking the questions you did. You are a very intelligent young woman. Most people have to ask me what they should ask. He would honestly hate himself for getting you messed up in his type of lifestyle. A person who hangs out at bars and clubs is not a choice person for a relationship let alone a friend. Not because they are a bad person necessarily but they are avoiding really living and experiencing life through hobbies and goals. Like lets say he's into gardening, or hiking, amateur photography, teaching pets to do tricks...etc...a wide list of possibilities but instead they hang out at a bar, make only superficial friends which is what you do when you are afraid of commitment. It isn't just that he's afraid to commit to you in a relationship honey, he's afraid to commit to living life!! So he's avoids it by doing what he does. Best thing you can do is more of the same, keep ignoring him. Eventually enough time will pass for his subconscious mind and heart to get over any ideas he had about you. HOw long that will take no one can predict. Each person is different, a few more days, weeks or even months maybe.
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It's true what you said, that if he really wanted you then he would've already been with you. He doesn't want to be with you because he doesn't want to give up his lifestyle. He already knows that if he was with you, that he wouldn't be able to keep doing the things he's doing.
He made up the excuse that he doesn't want commitment with a girl like you because you're perfect and amazing, it's clear that he just doesn't want to change for you. I mean what guy would turn down a girl who is perfect and amazing?
It does seem like he's noticing that you pulled back. He needs to know that you're not looking for a casual thing. I'm just assuming you actually want to be with him and that you don't want to settle for less.
So you have two choices. You can either wait around for him to change, or you can move on. I'd suggest moving on because he's not ready to be in a relationship. It's ok to be friends and talk to him, but not the way he's talking to you right now because it just hurts. Waiting for him to change may take forever, and who knows if you'll still want him by that time.
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There us a mistep here...
"He doesn't want you to change for him" It's pretty much the other way around, He won't change for YOU. It sounds like he may just not be mature enough to give a relationship a chance. This man wants to live freely, Wants to party and not have to sober up for the sake of making someone happy.
You should maybe be friends for awhile, Take things slow. He told you he wasn't ready, Let him fix himself and maybe one day he will be. However, You should be honest and tell him to maybe hit you up when he is willing to give a serious relationship a try.
NEVER change who you are for someone else. Be you always.
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