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Bullies Bullying
So I'm in high school and im 17, I use to be friends with this girl but then she slept with my boyfriend and we have hated each other ever since. I spread a rumor about her saying she had std's (she really does) and I know that was wrong and if I could take it back I would but she came up to me threatened to fight me in front of people at school and she said to watch my back. I'm not afraid of her at all but I told my crew about it, who are over 18 and they messaged her on facebook saying that if she laid a hand on me that she would regret it. I just want to know how much trouble could I get in from spreading a rumor and how much trouble she can get in for threatening to kick my ass. I know its stupid high school drama but I don't want to get the cops involved. how should I handle it?
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Before I answer how to handle it, I want to go back to what a rumor is. According to the dictionary:
a rumor is a story or statement in general circulation without confirmation or certainty as to the facts. So if it is a fact, then there has to be proof as the confirmation or certainty. What I would like to know is how you got proof of the fact that she has one or more STD's. That is a very personal fact that she likely did not go around telling everyone about. If she told you in confidence, then of course you were in the wrong to share it with the world. I know this will sound so old fashioned but "Two wrongs do not make a right"
What you can learn from this is that you have no control over the actions of other person...so her going after your boyfriend was wrong. But did you ever give a thought to the fact that he was willing? Any guy totally head over heels in love with a girl is not going to go for another girl, not matter how much his body may react, because he does not want to hurt you, and because his heart wouldnt be in it, his heart is only crazy about you. So his depth of caring about you wasn't what you thought it was. You can give him one more chance but if he repeats his behavior, then its time to dump him.
Now back to the ex girl friend, If you heard from people other than her telling you that she had an STD, then that is only hearsay. How can they verify it? If someone says they slept with her and got an STD, that is not good enough proof. A person can have Herpes and be a carrier but never have had sex with anyone. Did you know that? If you want the details on how that can be, write me back on my column and I will tell you. Soooo, unless both people had STD screenings before being sexually active and asked for the seperate screening on Herpes too as this is not always automatically included... then the two really have no way of knowing if the other doesnt have something that they themselves are unaware of, and they may not be safe just because they never gave oral sex or never had intercourse.
Since I personally don't know what rules your school has about bullying and saying unverified things about a person to make their lives miserable, I can't say what action they might take against you if they knew. If it's weighing this heavy on your mind, then it might be time to come clean with it, get it out in the open. Ask a school counselor for the school rules on bullying and how they enforce it. If they ask and you're not willing or ready to confess you can say you think you've seen it happening to someone. Just because the girl threatened you doesnt mean she has the guts to beat you up. At this point, she is angry and wanted to say something to make you feel bad or scared and "It worked!" Sometimes, that is enough pay back for the other person, sometimes not. If i were you, I wouldn't want to always be looking over my shoulder anticipating her pouncing on you. Your other friends are body guards personally at your side. They would be stupid to beat her up for beating you up when the thing that started it isn't even their issue. They would be making the same immature mistake your ex girlfriend did and your boyfriend did and you did. How far does this have to go on. I don't think there is anything at this point to have cops involved in. Cops dont arrest people for sleeping with someones partner, spreading the confidential truth or rumors about someone, or for threatening to beat someone up.
You know this girl better than I do, would she read a letter of apology from you? She certainly won't be expecting one. She knows what she did wrong, no need to rub it in. But she did you a favor, exposing the character and faithfulness of your boyfriend. She most certainly would not expect you to be thanking her for that. You might say something like "Lisa, I know I was angry for you sleeping with my boyfriend, you would be if I did the same to you. But I've had time to think about it and gain perspective. I can see that in a way, you've actually done me a favor and given me a glimpse of how weak his character is and how committed or not he is to me. He at least could have been honest and said he was no longer interested in me and broke up with me before going to another girl. Any other girl would have been hard enough to swallow but it being someone I considered a good girlfriend made me just go crazy. I was more than just hurt, I was furious and in my anger I said things to get back at you that would never fix or undo what you did and I am finding the guilt of it too much to carry so I wanted to apologize for any problems I might have caused you because of what I said. I don't want to act like an immature teen forever and have decided its time to grow up and own up to what I do. You may not be ready to forgive, but I was ready to ask for forgiveness."
Hon, what I share next is scientific fact, that our bodies mature and become adult like long before our brains finish developing mainly the frontal part responsible for good reasoning and decision making and being able to see the consequences a head of time. This part of the brain in both girls and boys isn't done developing until the mid twenties so any judgement calls or decisions before then can often be very poor to horrible or in some cases....end up deadly. If you realize that all teens are going through dealing with the same thing, that explains the drama. All I can suggest at this point is that you do exactly what you did here by writing in for advice...just next time...do it before you take action. If its something you can't find comfortable telling a parent, use us, but having someone that knows you pretty well, an aunt who will kept the confidence, a grandma, maybe even a neighbor lady you've grown up around and are close to like family...all these are good to use as sounding boards. My oldest is now 27 and yet she still comes at times to me for advice or to bounce her thoughts or ideas off of. If you want to talk to me more about this dear, you can write to me personally instead of the group by going to my column write and then choosing the send a message tab. Good luck dear. You're not a terrible person, nor is the other girl...you just both made poor choices. The important part is to learn from them.
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I would stop now before anyone does get in trouble, or get hurt, or both. You're in high school, so chances are that she has told people, and you've told people, and words spread like wildfire.
It's good that you are rethinking your actions. Bullying, whether or not you think it was true or deserved, hurts everyone. You don't want to be that person, the bully.
Anyways, as far as repercussions go. You probably won't get in a whole heap of trouble for the rumor. It's a rumor and no one can prove that you are the source. However, if there's good cause for your school to think it's you, you may get some counseling or detention or something to that effect.
Now, the threats of violence, however, are a different story. Your school and police will (or should) take that very seriously. Usually, if a teacher or staff at your school get wind of a fight or someone threatening to kick someone else's ass, they will proactively talk to those people about it, or perhaps even suspend the students in question, or get the police involved. Adults threatening a minor is even worse. If the police were to hear of this, there is no temporary suspension from school, or counseling. In most states, a person who willfully threatens to commit a crime which will result in death or seriously bodily injury of another is criminally liable. You should tell your friends to back off. Violence is never the answer to anything, and will most likely escalate the situation.
Best wishes.
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