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Suicide: So much has happened to me, that I don't know how to come back from it all
Hi, my name is jhon and im 21 years old, I live in CT and i've been planning to end my life, its a long story, i wish it didnt have to be this way. I came to the u.s in 2007 i was 16, i got in high school unfortunately i met some "friends" that used to smoke weed and skip school all day, decision i regret now, I didnt care about anything I did'nt even know how life really was. I dropped out school and started looking for jobs, then i met a girl that soon would become my girlfriend, long story short, i was irresponsible and immature and i ended up quitting or losing a few jobs that was back in 2010/2011 but ive been struggilng since i got here, now 2013 i had a really good job traveling it seemed promising i was happy because since this job seemed stable my now ex girlfriend and I planned on moving in together soon and i was giving my 100%, I used to install light pannels, led's etc. at that time my girlfriend and I was dating for almost 3 years, we broke up less than a month ago, when i lost my job.. since there wasnt high demand they could not have me in the company when there was no projects, i have debts too and no savings, anyway i told my girlfriend this and she broke up with me saying she was tired of my unstability, and that it was never going to change, ive been living with my mother and her boyfriend althought me and her boyfriend never liked each other and now it got to a point where he hates me and blames me for the problems he had with my mother, and she migh hate me too.
Now he kicked me off the house, even though i dont have a job, and i been looking for jobs but have had no luck yet, long story short everything came down hill for me all at the same time and my mother has no money to help me, i dont think my dad does either, and i dont have friends, at least here in the u.s. so basically I will end up living in the streets when this month is over, i will have no chances of finding a job then. I tried to enlist in the army too but i didnt have that much time to wait until the whole process was done, i only had a month worth of rent, right now i dont see to get out of this, i'd probably die from starvation or heavy winter who knows,but i dont wanna wait until that, ill just accelerate the process, i dont want to be a homeless either with no job living out what people decides to give you. I know all this is my fault. I just didnt want to end it like this, i wanted to do so much for my mother since i havent been a good son to her and i wanted to show my ex girlfriend hat i really wanted to succeed. My question is what should I do? I dont have any resource left and i think this is really the end for me.
Thank you all for your time and excuse the long paragraph and bad grammar.
P.S i suffer from depresion and this is not the first time ive had suicidal thoughts, ive had this more than 4 years ago. And now i might be decided, it whats is left to do anyway. I just wish i could go to the army id love to serve the country if i could.
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Hi Jhon No matter what you have been throw God and Jesus loves you even when all hope fails he nevers fails.
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Hey Jhon :)
Please don't die. You are just 21. Your situation is difficult. I am being very honest here and it seems like things will be even more difficult going forward. But don't die. If you don't fight for your life, no one else will.
I think the first thing you need to do would be to either go home to your mom or dad and beg them to keep you till you earn your first salary. It doesn't matter if your mother's boyfriend doesn't like you because now it is a question of your survival. That being said, start looking for a job with accommodation if possible. I know you are trying. But please try harder. Show to your mom or dad that this time you're really serious. Tell them sorry for your past actions. They are your parents. They love you no matter how or who you are. Tell them you'll be out of their hair once you get a proper job. Tell them you don't wanna die on the streets.
The second thing? Forget about your past - at least try to keep it in the past - don't think much about it. Now you have an aim - Surviving. Please work for it. Don't give up on yourself. Don't get into a relationship at this point of time. You'll find time for it once you're a little better off.
Third thing - Try and finish your school. It will help you get a better career and ease your life. Even if you enlist - which I think is a good thought, I mean serving your country is a noble thing to do - please finish your schooling.
Fourth thing? Start a progress diary ( I did it once ) Divide it into two parts. Write your ambitions and how you will achieve them in one part and the difficulties and the ways to solve them in another part. This might sound girly or silly to you. But try it. It will help monitor your progress towards your aims in life. This is not for anyone you're doing - It's for you. It will hardly take probably ten minutes of your time everyday.
Fifth thing - Try to be there for your parents whenever you can - Show them you care. They will be happy and proud of you.
Please don't give up. You have realized your past mistakes and that is a great thing. You wrote for advice here means you are serious about changing your circumstances. Work towards it. I won't lie and say it will be easy. But work hard and fight for your life and yourself.
For your depression - Every time you get depressed, do something you enjoy. I paint and go for long walks and see how the world is doing.
You said you don't have friends. So make friends. Friendship is not about money, status, age or any such thing. It just takes a smile and common interests or just being with someone that makes you smile and laugh. :)
Don't give up! All the best!
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Hello.
The fact that you have sought help on here is a very positive thing.
It is also a very brave thing to do, especially as people who have suicidal thoughts are often viewed negativley. But it tells me something else. There is at least 1% of motivation within you that actually would prefer to live. To get better. You didn't have to ask your question-take the time to tell your story. But you did. You were brave. Now its time to be brave a little longer, to ultimately get better.
Firstly, please contact your nearest hospital for help. I am unfamiliar with US Help numbers, I live in the UK you see.
Secondly, recite this every hour to yourself-say it out loud: Nothing lasts forever.
Its true-and having the motivation to pull through means help IS available RIGHT NOW for you.
Now then, my background is anxiety. Last year my anxiety peaked. I didn't sleep for two weeks running. I like you do now, thought it was the end.
But then I saw my doctor. He referred me immediatley to a counsellor and, what can I say-I'm still here today.
You need to go one a course of CBT. It challenges your negative thoughts. So, you may be thinking:
I've let my ex girlfriend down, and now I'll never move on and will be alone forever.
This thought is not a rational one-because you are pre-supposing the future.
Or:
I have no chances of finding a job.
You don't know that. You have jumped to conclusions, all -be it rational in your mind, irrational to most other people.
CBT will help you challenge these thoughts. This is important if you are to turn these unhelpful thoughts into helpful ones, and get a job.
Indeed, as a counsellor told me,you need to acknowledge the thoughts are there, but don't accept them.
To rephrase, you need to be like "Okay, I know I feel crap and my thought is that I have no chance of finding a job, but that is just a thought and doesn't have to play or connect in any way with my emotions" Acknowledge thoughts are there, but let them pass, like a train.
With depression, its hard to help yourself and what you really need now is a doctor or other trained profesional. You need to find coping methods that work for you-for me its my volunteering that I do.
You can look on moodjuice-type it into google, for self help guides, but they only tell you so much.
I'd see a doctor, and sooner rather than later. They'll be more than willing to help you, because you've shown them enough evidence of you wanting to change, and be much less depressed.
So if you remember one thing after reading my advice remember this:
Nothing lasts forever, and you will get through this.
~Take Care~
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