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humorist-workshop
I'm not myself anymore.
I used to be an artist, back in school. I used to be a musician. That weird kid who knows he's weird and doesn't care, because that's who he is.
So what if many people didn't like me because of who I was? So what if they mocked me and tried to make me feel bad? It never worked, because the friends I had loved me for it.
I had skills that even I can't imagine(not being cocky, others always thought better of my art and music than I did), and I loved to draw and paint and play guitar and keyboard. I could sit down with nothing but a piece of paper and a box of charcoal and get lost in time for who knows how long, visiting places I'd never been, places no one had ever been, just completely in tune with myself, and for a few hours, nothing else would exist.
I'd go for what felt like 5 minutes and realized the whole day slipped away, and in front of me lay the image I saw in my mind.
I even had people offer $300-$400 for something I drew or painted. So I was going to go to college for 3D animation. I loved art, and I was good with computers, so it seemed like a good idea. The traditional arts don't make much money today, so this was a good compromise I could make. One that I could live with and love every day for the rest of my life, with enough money to afford paints and paper and charcoal and musical instruments on the side.
So I was dead set on going to college, but being a young, healthy, white male with parents who make good money, there was no such thing as grants for me. I didn't get any scholarships. And I certainly couldn't afford any loans - not yet.
And so I looked for a job. I searched and I searched, and the only place hiring was my least favorite fast-food restaurant paying minimum wage, part time. I've worked there over a year and a half now.
I used to be creative, weird, eccentric, making something new and beautiful every day, enjoying life even when it could be rough. People noticed me. People I didn't even know EXISTED knew me better than I thought they possibly could.
But now I'm not creative. I have artist's block. I'm a plain, boring guy working a dead-end job for minimum wage, 15 hours a week, pushing out the same old crap day in and day out. The same worthless crap. Shoveling it into the faces of plain, boring people. And the occasional success, who rubs it in my face with their $100k cars in the drive-through. I blend in. I'm boring, and most of my old friends consider me just a memory. No one knows me anymore.
I'm not me, and I'm trapped by this awful job that makes me hate every minute of this all. I'm trapped because I don't even make enough money to keep my car on the road.
What do I do to get out of this mess? How do I get back to being me?
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Dear I'm not myself anymore,
I see the problems. Most important is your diet.
am guessing that you were eating better before you began working at that fast food place. Now you eat the fast food.
You were able to think and be creative. Your personality was alive because you could think clearly. The foods you are eating are inhibiting your brains ability to put thoughts into creative form.
I see this happen all the time. It happened to me, that is why I can see it has happening to you.
Quit your job and find a job in a different industry or even a different town. It is only 15 hours a week. Besides, you have been there for too long. You know the job inside and out and are completely unsatisfied. It is making you miserable. Cut that out!!
Happiness is a state of mind, not a destination.
Clean up your diet so you think more clearly.(get an art book and start doodling)
Eliminate all the negative influences from your life. (Bad food and a dead end job has got to go)
Work towards goals that make you feel whole again.
(working towards worth while goals will give you a sense of who you are again. Volunteer at your local animal shelter or old folks home once a week)
Surround yourself by people that are going the same direction you are going and doing the things you want to do. Find out the local hangout for artist like yourself and start going a lot!!
You are not trapped if you have a brain in your head and the ability walk. You are the only one that can choose your path. Your car cannot make choices for you, your job does not dictate who you are, and your lack of money is not a prison cell.
If you really want to find yourself, you must change what you are doing now. The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.
Make that change anytime you want, not anytime you can. If you want it, it will happen but you have to act in order for that to happen. You getting a job was a reaction to not going to college. Stop reacting and start acting.
While I do not suggest anything as extreme as joining the military, I do feel that an extraordinary change is needed in order for you to get out of this unhealthy frame of mind.
You are not crazy or mentally ill for losing yourself. It is not your fault and you had no idea that this fast food job would kill your ambitions and talent drive.
Here is a URL to a site that you can start using to clean up your diet. Once you are in a clear frame of mind, your skills will show back up in full force. I have faith that diet alone will help you make the choices you need to make.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Good Luck!
EMQU RAKBU
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If there's one thing I know for damn sure it's that people do not ever lose God Given talents. They're your birthright. They may appear hidden at times but they never fade or get taken away.
What is robbing you here is criticism from others and the fact you've accepted negative messages from your head that you can no longer do these things, that you're boring, whatever other lie it tells.
The fact is you are likely and I would bet on it depressed or have some mental-health issue making you think of yourself like this and robbing you of what you enjoy in life and making functioning hard.
What you need to do is get back to making art or whatever else you loved and devoted all your time to again. This time do it for you regardless of whether anyone sees it. The offers in the past from people are validation of a talent that still exists. Trust me you'll see it. Then you'll get confident again. Get back to basics and what you loved about it before and what motivated you then.
Next you should visit your physician and mention everything you told us here and get referred to a psychiatrist (you're not crazy) to figure out where these recent views of your own self stem.
College can still come so don't rule that out as never happening for you. As far as your job goes for now this is where you work and a temporary situation. Keep searching but do get to know your real self as I'm sure you're someone people in your past and present want to know just as much as you do.
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I'm no psychologist so this is simply my impression of who I see in your letter. In your letter to us I see the artist and the musician you say you were that is now lost.
You have written a letter in a manner that only someone with artistic and musical talents would or could write. IT is not the type of letter someone who is a writer would write or a business person would compose. Your letter not only articulates your problem but does so in a very moving way. Moving meaning as in a song or poem style.
Because of this I do not think the artist or musician in you is lost. It is my feeling you have just buried these attributes based on what I will call an assumption that your dream will never be. Never assume anything for when you break down that word what you get is; ass/u/me.
When my son went to college my wife and I made a very comfortable income. Yet there were grants available to him such as PELL grants and others. He was also given student loans.
I suggest that if you were to get into college what you believe is lost will reemerge. What you need to do is contact the college or colleges you wish to attend. Talk with the people in financial aid directly. Ask about what grants and financial aid, student loan and other monetary assistance you, not your parents, may qualify for. Also search the web for grants, and scholarships. There are many out there going unused because people do not know of them.
Now my son was also a volunteer firefighter and a military veteran. As a volunteer firefighter this state offered financial aid, a small stipend in return for his service to the community and of course he had his military benefits.
Now you may not believe this but there is need for those with artistic and musical talents in the military. You may want to consider joining a reserve unit or regular service unit and enjoy the educational benefits for your service.
These benefits are available while you serve and after. If you join a reserve unit they will schedule your training around your school schedule school . Once your basic and advanced training is complete you give them one weekend a month and two weeks a year for active duty training which your unit will schedule around your school calendar. They did so for my son. There is the off chance now that the unit will once again be called to active duty which with the war winding down is not suppose to happen any more at least for this conflict. I offer this as an option that cost you only your time.
Last but not least. You get out of life what you put into it. Your talents are not lost, not to what I see. If you want an education bad enough you may have to work at finding away to gain that education just a bit harder than others. Remember that saying, "If you build it they will come." In this case if you work at it you will find it. The resources you need are out there you just need to find them.
So stop feeling sorry for yourself. Pick up the phone and call the schools, go to the banks and ask about students loans, try different banks as each have different rules for lending. Use the web to search for grants and scholarships. Also use your talents to fund your education. People offered to pay for you work. Then find a way to sell your works.
I don't mean to lecture you. I have been doing this for a long time and I can tell a lot about a person from what and how they write to us. In you I see a very talented person allowing his talent to go to waste because he is feeling sorry for himself. Well the pity party is over and it is time you get back on the ball and help yourself.
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