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My husband has very little patience with me and blows up about small things
First of all, my husband has many excellent qualities. He works very hard, is a great provider, and a loving, hands on father to our three kids. But, he was sexually abused as a preteen by a family friend. His parents were never really around, and he was supposed to be homeschooled but really only has the equivalent of an 8th grade education. He has worked hard to overcome this and owns a successful business. He had a horrible upbringing, and I know that is the reasoning for many of his actions. First of all, he drinks everyday. He doesn't drink and drive, and he doesn't go to bars, but he unwinds each night with a few vodka and cranberries. I feel like he uses this to cope with painful memories and to help deal with the stress of life. At cooksouts or special occasions though, he tends to overdo it and becomes very loud and obnoxious. This has caused a lot of tension between us. Finally, I feel like he has no patience with me. He literally blows up at me for things that I think are small and trivial, but to him....they are huge. In his words, he says I "....jump in his shit." For example, if we are at a cookout, and he has too much to drink, I might pull him aside and say, "You need to tone it down....you are getting really loud." Then, he will literally blow up at me. He doesn't do it out loud though right then and there, he will wait until we are home and alone and start screaming. Or he will start texting me things like, "I hate you....I wish you were dead." etc. I guess my question is....I want to stay married. I really do and I value his great qualities. But, I feel hurt when he says such hateful things to me. And, I feel like he should be able to cope with small, trivial issues better than he does. I try to tell him that he gets upset about the smallest things and there is really no reason to start a 3 day long fight over one statement I make at a cookout. I told him it's fine to be upset at me for saying it, but don't tell me you hate me and you wish I were dead. He has no patience with me at all and I'm getting exhausted from these blowups. How can I get my husband to realize that it's not worth blowing up at me for such small things?
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I agree with you that the molestation you husband suffered may be the root cause of his problem. I also believe, from what you have written, that he has worked hard to overcome the other deficits of his childhood which is also a causation to his problem. Your husband not only has a problem with alcohol and his temper. He also has a problem expressing himself when he is angry.
One small benefit to his blow ups if you want to call it a benefit. Is that he waits to get home to blow up. This tells me his words may say one thing but his actions say he still respects you as his wife, the mother of his children and a women. If he didn't respect you in this manner he would blow up on the spot.
The cause for him being this way if fairly obvious. This is something you are not going to be able to fix by yourself. You mentioned his parents were not around much which leads me to believe that when and if they knew or found out about the abuse they did little or nothing about it. The proper thing to have been done at that time was professional counseling should have been given to him to help him deal with what happened.
This professional counseling is still what he needs to help deal with all the problems of his childhood, not just the abuse. There is an organization called RAINN. RAINN stands for Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network. The operate a 24/7 hotline you can call for help. Actually he should call and talk to one of their call takers who are trained to help him and help him find a professional in your neighborhood to work with. These are generally psychologists trained to help people with your husbands problems based on childhood abuse.
Their number is 1-800-656-HOPE. Try and get you husband to call. If he won't then you call. Talk with them and hopefully through you they can connect you with the right professional. You can start seeing them and between you should be able to convince your husband to come for therapy
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HI there. Sounds in some ways similar to my ex. We attended church regularly, and I felt that over time, with my loving support, he would get better. He did not. Some people with a painful past don't want the focus on them to get better so they will do all they can to point the blame at other people. Not blame they for what happened in their past, but actually find minor stuff to point out or totally make up just to take the focus off themselves. It a kind of warped but effective defense mechanism...because it gets the other person so busy defending or trying to protect themself that attention is often taken off the person or they just give up and shut up to keep peace but that isn't really Peace. If hubby is not ready and unwilling to go for counseling and really want to get better, there is nothing you can say or do to "Make" him want to get help. I stayed with my ex for 30 yrs and thru 3 kids. It only got worse. That many years of verbal attack and stress began to have its affect on my body. I only credit my strong spiritual ties to God with keeping me mentally sane and from having low self esteem. But I did get headache and eventually it began chronic. I got ulcers for a while, and stress related skin rashes over the entire body and other stress related illnesses. One day I believe I heard God tell me that if I did not leave him, that I would be dead in four years time from the stress, either cancer or heart attack. Our bodys can only take so much stress over time before they slowly lose the battle to stress. There is enough stress in the world around to us to not going adding it at home. Home should be our peaceful refuge from the world where we are able to be recharged, loved on, upheld and supported by those who love us. You are not getting that.
It is a tough decision to give up on someone you may love but I was faced with it. When it came down to it, I realized I had to learn to love myself enough to not willingly subject myself to anymore of this type of treatment. So I left.
I hope it doesnt end that way for you and that you could write him how you love him but how you are hurt and no longer want to continue to live with his issues. So you are asking him to go for treatment and you will be there with him supporting him but he has to acknowledge he needs help and be 100% on board with working and cooperating on his healing process.
You can not have a face to face conversation where he can interrupt and pick a fight immediately. He needs to hear your side of it in a letter or note card and preferably be able to read it when you are not around so he has some time to think first. If he still doesnt take you seriously, then You have to be willing to get legally separated. If you are unable to bring yourself to do so if he won't budge, then you don't have the leverage. If you had to leave him, that might be what it takes to get him to really look at getting help and be serious about it. But he will only do so if he is "in love" with you. Not that he just loves you as a person. I had a friend who was a counselor ask my husband the same thing when counseling wasnt helping cus he didn't apply himself. He finally admitted to the friend in front of me that he has never been 'in love' with me. What a blow. But it was the extra push I needed to finish going through with the thought of leaving him and making it a reality.
If you have anything else you need to talk about your situation dear, you can write me at my column about it. I can't reply when you post on the comment site.
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Sounds like he may need alcohol anonymous or rehab.
Unfortunately, Your husband seems to have a drinking and anger problem. You may want to sit him down with a few family members and explain that he needs to get some help.
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