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No conscious sex drive, but... uh... subconsciously...
25/f. I'm just curious as to what you guys think about this.
I'm a long, complicated mess, but here's the story as short and sweet as I can make it: I've been in two abusive relationships, and was cheated on in the last one (I don't count it as abuse because the coercive control tactics were missing). I'm so done.
All that said, I just don't look at guys the same way anymore. I've been single and far over the last relationship-fail for a good eight months. I even saw my ex after we broke up and was completely indifferent to him. He looked like a different person to me in the sense that I no longer found him attractive. It was like someone had flipped a switch in my brain.
Apologies for the graphic, but I don't seem to get wet anymore. Like... it used to be that I'd actually be attracted to attractive guys, and occasionally get turned on by them. Now it's like nothing stirs in me. I don't fantasize sexually (not in the usual sense anyway), I have no desire to masturbate - at all, which is really odd for me. I used to have a pretty high sex drive. What's more, the few times I have tried touching myself, I've felt wrong about it, like it was crass and inappropriate. I do NOT feel that way about masturbation. I think it's a great way to get to know your body and pleasure yourself, and really how can you be intimate with someone else if you can't be intimate with yourself?
I know it's normal for people to kinda be "off their feed" in a sense, after a relationship goes badly. But I'm not even off... I'm just kinda... not. I'm a straight girl, and right now, the male gender is about as attractive to me as a water bottle. I have a mild crush on a celebrity, but I think the appeal in that is that he is unattainable and safe because of this fact. I have my theories around that/him. Anyway...
Sometimes, though, I have sex dreams. VIVID sex dreams. I have actually woken up mid-orgasm from these dreams without touching myself.
...Mind over matter?
I don't really know what my question is, but I am thoroughly confused by this cognitive dissonance going on with my lack-of-conscious VS subconscious sex drive.
Anyone have any insight? Better, has anyone had this experience, or something similar?
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You're repressing.
Can you guess which word I picked out of that fairly lengthy paragraph? The single word that is the big glaring clue?
"Safe"
When the mind is faced with emotions or other stimuli it can't cope with, it tends to numb out a bit. It's a pretty natural response. This goes deeper than just a lack of sexual desire, you're right that your perspective on men has changed. They aren't safe, to you. And with that standing in the way, it's difficult for you to engage emotionally, including with the emotions of attraction and lust.
The dreams come because your mind can create safe, and wants to. You still very much have a sex drive, but you have emotional blocks about expressing it consciously.
Ever considered porn? There isn't a ton out there explicitly made for women, but there is some. Dane Jones comes to mind. A fantasy that is more likely to be the safer kind you need right now. It might be a bridge back to feeling a bit more normal when you're awake.
Give yourself some time. Recovery is much a matter of slow acclimation to change as it is about doing things to get yourself better.
Therapy would not be a bad idea.
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All I can share is what little I know of the subconscious mind and how I interact with mine. It's almonst like having a separate person inside of me, two really different personalities becauese the subconscious is where all our emotions and feelings are from, good and bad ones. So anything that happens in life, the subc. is going to try to protect you. But unlike your conscious mind which is more logical and realistic, the subc. is also where I believe my inner child resides and like a child can over react with fears, or even imagined fears, or just be upset and angry about something.
My guess is your subconscious doesn't want you getting hurt again so it shut off your normal sexual wants and desires while you are awake and conscious and when more likely to get into trouble with a guy. But it recognizes the sexual need in you for orgasms and decided on its own to give you vivid sex dreams because it is safe...its just a dream. Its all coming about as the subc. way of dealing with protecting you.
How to fix it?
Well, there are people who have the degrees and can counsel you but counseling takes lots of time for the counselor to get to know you well enough to be able to make suggestions. A hypnotist would work a lot faster and instead of making suggestions to your conscious mind, which isnt causing the problem to begin with, they will make the desired suggestions to your subconscious mind.
You can request it be specific that you are able to enjoy your sexuality normally on your own. You don't have to ask to have sexual desires for men.
I have talked to myself all my life since a kid. Only in recent years with my new husband were my eyes opened to realize why when I talked to myself, it felt like someone else inside me was answering. He's done lots of reading on the topic. He had a name for his subconscious self and asked if I knew what mine was. I was in the middle of answering, "I don't have a clue." when in my mind an indignant thought registered, "My name is Selena! My subc wanted to be known.
Now I work with her even more closely. So If I were in your shoes, I would be having a talk with my subconscious to try to reassure her that I won't go rushing into any relationship and I agree with her I should be kept safe and right now it means, swear off men. But I want to self pleasure not just rely on dreams. Sometimes its simple and you can talk yourself into it, other times it calls for a specialist. If you have never really talked to yourself alot, then it would be a could thing to learn for the future but won't address your current issue.
Best bet I'd say is a hypnotist. But listen to your inner voice, your gut feeling, often that is your subc. trying to get through to you. It can be helpful in the future for anything. Hope this helps a little. Sorry I haven't got anything like a quick easy fix. I had an abusive first marriage. I know what kinds of issues a woman can have to deal with. Anything else you'd like to share on the subject, you can just write to my inbox, not the comment box.
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I myself went through an abusive relationship for 5 years.
Believe it or not, Abuse over a period of time causes psychological damage.
You may be depressed, You may not feel depressed but it works in all sorts of ways. You may want to try and see a therapist who can help you cope. Although you are not IN the relationship, You may be possibly suffering from Battered women sydrome. This is not uncommon for women who went through abuse.
Therapy
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