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Relationship help
18/f
I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 years. I've been working on myself to not be controlling because I've been seeing myself become more and more of that. I check his phone, facebook, ect. Well, I used to do that. And obviously that is a sign of not trusting him. I've stopped that because it's ridiculous and it didn't make me a very good girlfriend.
But now my problem is who he hangs out with. We came from the same group of friends. We had this one friend in common who..wasn't a very good friend. About 6 months ago, it was that friends birthday. I got him a gift and we said we'd go to his house to party. But it was also my last day home before going to college and that night I found my little brother who ran away, passed out in a car. Our "friend" cussed us out because my boyfriend wouldn't bring a mario game over.
In the beginning of our relationship, that friend started spreading rumors about us because he didn't want us to get together.
He also did drugs with my brother, bought them from him as well.
He also picked up my brother from my house and helped him run away once.
He apologized for everything, but I decided he wasn't ever a good friend. I'm not on bad terms with him or anything but I feel extremely uncomfortable with my boyfriend hanging out with him. They've been friends since they were kids.
My values have changed over the past year. I don't feel the same about drugs and alcohol. My brother was stealing jewelry, money and even cars while he was on drugs. He ended up in juvi for a couple of years. My mom became an alcoholic during this time and went to a man who'd always give it to her because my dad wouldn't. She's now in rehab, but my dad was stabbed a few times last month by that man she went to, so he ended up in the hospital. He lived though.
My boyfriend was always there for me and he knows why I feel the way I do about everything. I don't hate people who do them or anything, I just don't like being around it. So my boyfriend will go hang out with his friend and I just hate the idea of it. He doesn't smoke anymore, but I hate thinking about him around it and thinking about him with his friend.
I brought it up with him, which was probably a mistake, and he said that I'm starting to control who he hangs out with. So I just shut up. He's a good boyfriend, I just need to work on this issue.
How do I stop beating myself up over him hanging with his friend? How do I let go of my big issue with drugs and alcohol?
Thank you so much for reading this.
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Wow, rough home life and neighborhood. I think your habit of not trusting is more of a type of survival skill considering the life you've had so far. Just because you forced yourself to stop snooping and checking, doesnt mean the lack of trust is gone. Theres a reason for that, why your subconscious mind isn't comsfortable with the situation. Sometimes it is very important to listen to our inner voice, go by our gut feeling which you have kindof tried but then you're put down for it. Well, there's better ways maybe to go about it.
If you continue to live around these types of humans, whether family or friends, you will be limited in your personal growth and the possible opportunities by the ones you hang with.
Logically, one can have an aquaintance with, meaning having met and know a person who might be dealing drugs or been to juvi hall. But it's an entirely different situation to have someone like that as a friend. ONe's circle of friends are a good indicator of where an individual is at in life.
So I am saying since you seem to want to put your past behind and live a better life, it's not going to happen with the people currently in your life.
Find people who are living the kind of life you want to live, and hang out with them, copy what it is that they do, use em for role models.
It might be hard to break the cycle.
I just watched an episode of Worlds toughest parents. The teens were sent to live with a black family where the husband was a Pastor of a church. He grew up in a poor neighborhood, all his friends came from homes like yours, he had to leave the neighborhood and those people behind and work extra hard to find the success he had, owning a beautiful house in a good neighborhood, a very respected man who has a heart for helping teens in trouble. He took them to show his old neighbor hood and ran into users on the street who were old friends he used to hangs with. A while later, he broke down and cried as he explained to the teens that it hurts to see their wasted lives, how their life never improved and he wished that it had. But it wasn't going to happen if they continued to live the life they had so far.
I don't know where you are going to find the support system but a church might be a good place to start. The religion isn't going to kill you and it later in life your spiritual values change and you explore other things, thats fine...but a church is the best safety net i can think of right now. There may be programs to help teens and college age people get ahead in life and make something of themselves, but again, it will take a change of surroundings both where you live and the people in it. Sorry hon...but it's going to be a rough road ahead to make these kinds of changes. Not saying to turn backs of family...but just being near by so they know you are there witnessing what is happening to them isn't going to help you. Take a period of your life to focus just on you...what you want out of life and do whatever you can to get yourself ahead in life. Once you have been able to do that, then you can go spend time visiting family, and though their lives may not have changed, and their still in the same hole they've dug for themselves, you can be a beacon to them for the moment if it ever comes that they want a way out too. Good luck!
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Sometimes we need to back off, Unfortunately being paranoid of who he hangs out with is a form of jealousy and mistrust. Nagging him will only push him away, If he is doing drugs abd drinking the only thing you can really do is talk to him calmly without attacking.
Unless he has done something, You need to trust him. If you don't then your relationship won't work
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