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just looking for advice
My husband and I haven't been separated very long but our marriage was over along time ago we stayed together for the kids. Didn't even sleep in the same room for over a year. I moved over 12 hours away. Long story short I am in love with my ex. My sons father. Every time I see him I get butterflies we talk so good together every thing seems so perfect when we talk. I'm not sure how he feels though. He gives kind of mixed feelings. I have known him for 7 years.
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It took me a while but how you wrote this was very confusing until I figured you're not talking about the man you are separated from but that there was a man before him whom you had one child with.
Even so...let me show you how my mind goes, others may have the same problems thinking the same way as you havent given enough clear details.
When someone says they stayed together for the kids, it usually means waiting until the kids are no longer little, they are either teens or out of the house. In order for that to be the case you'd have to have been married approx. 15-20 years to the one you are separated from. But you say the ex before him that you believe you still love, you have known for only 7 years. That cant be unless he is someone you have an affair with while married and got pregnant by him with the husband knowing or not knowing the difference.
Or you meant you were married 7 yr or in a relationship with the ex 7 years but add on all the other years to come to todays date and the numbers of years you've known him but not been associating with him would be a higher number than the years you've been with current husband.
Does the son know who the real birth father is? Another unanswered question is why you and the other man split up and never stayed together. There may or may not be reasons for you to get together again with him. Since you are on talking terms and must see him regularly, you must of course know he is single and available. However we do not know that for sure. He could be married but unhappily as you are. It's hard to give you any constructive advice with all the issues to think about before making your final decision but ultimately the decision is yours, we can only act as the sounding board dear. So if there is anything more you would like to share, just repost your question for us all, or if you want, just write to my inbox and clarify but realize if you do, I'm the only one who will see your clarified question.
Sorry it doesnt help. I really don't know why you split with the first if you still have feelings. The feelings could be connected via your subconsious mind to only the good things, maybe how the lovemaking was? If its based only on feeling and not on reality...you could make a mistake going back. Only you know why you split up with him. Was it mutual? He left you or you left him? I guess it doesnt really matter. I can only say to look at the facts. Does the person support and uphold you or weaken you? Can you be yourself or do you have to make changes to be with him? These kinds of questions are what you need to ask yourself. And who are you deep at core? What do you like and what do you need? Are you a complete person on your own looking for a mate to enjoy life together, or are you a person who feels incomplete and needs a man in her life to make her feel whole. You need to be a strong individual on your own before you can choose a mate for the right reasons and one who is right for you. I dont' know your situation. Follow your heart, your gut feeling. If you are wrong again, then take some time out to rediscover yourself before going into the next relationship. Good luck
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There is very little to work with in what you have written.
What I will say is; it is possible to love someone, as you do, but impossible to live with them as man and wife or even as just lovers. This may just be the case with you and your Ex.
The only way I know of to find out is to talk to each other and I mean truly talk to each other. You may need to talk with a marriage counselor present to be an unbiased third person to help you sort through some issues.
The type of discussions you need to have are sole searching ones. You need to look for what caused you marriage to fail in the first place. What caused one of you to leave the marital bed. Right now I cannot truly say you are in love or just miss being married, which is another of the possibilities.
If you want to give marriage with your ex another chance. This is assuming he is wanting the same thing, then you need to find what caused the marriage to fail in the first place or it is very possible it will fail again.
As I said in the beginning I know several couples who truly love each other. They have a great sex life and can have a great social life. They just cannot live under the same roof without fighting constantly. It is the fighting that causes them great pain and harms their love for each other.
A therapist can explain this better than I can. This may or may not be the problem in your marriage. My only advice is before you and your husband start living together again, if he is willing. You need to find out what is broken in your relationship and see if it is fixable.
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Perhaps you may of needed the separation, This may of rekindled the spark of your marriage. You should sit down and talk with him, Let him know how you feel, If he feels the same as you do just begin to take things slow. Go out casuall, Talk on a level where it doesn't seem to be overwhelming and work your way up there.
He may still care for you but may be afraid to committ himself to you in fear that it won't work out. Perhaps it may be that he is just happier being mutual with you. The only way to know is to talk to him about it.
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