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Should I leave my husband?
My husband and I just celebrated our one year anniversary. Come to find out just a few weeks before this he's been sleeping with another girl for over half of our marriage. We've had threesomes with this girl and they justified it that way but turns out he got her pregnant!!! I love my husband very much and I want to give him another chance but how can I accept this? I told him our marriage was over if he ever talked to her again and at first he was fine with that and willing to do whateve it took to make our marraige work but she keeps popping up and she wants him to be involved with the baby and I think its confusing him. We are only 20 years old well almost 21 and I'm just not sure what I should do. The real advice I want is say we stay togetehr and try to make it work and dont be involved with that baby, do you all think our marraige will make it for the rest of our lives.
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The first thing that happened which should not have happened was having a threesome with this other women. This in your husbands mind opened the door for him to sleep with her whenever he wanted. In his mind if you were okay with him having sex with her in a threesome what's wrong with one on one occasionally. When it comes to sex we men tend to think with head in our pants rather than the one between our shoulders. We both know this head was wrong but it justified to him he was okay in doing so.
I do not think any of us should tell you whether to stay or go. What I do think is that staying in the marriage should not be based on whether or not he has a continuing relationship with the child he has with this other women.
He should remain in the child's life and legally he is required to support this child until it is 18. He also has a right to visitation and possibly joint custody. That means a minimum amount of communication and relationship concerning the child will need to exist between your husband and the child's mother.
This brings up two questions:
1. Can you live with this?
2) Can your husband understand this and separate his need for a parental relation from any other relationship with the child's mother?
I believe these are two very import questions you need answers to in order to make a decision on how to move forward with your life and your marriage.
I wish I had a way to answer; "do you all think our marriage will make it for the rest of our lives." I don't. What I believe is if you cannot get positive answers to the two questions I posed the chances of you marriage proceeding and being successful are slim.
I wish I could give you an answer you are looking for. Hopefully I have provided the questions you need to ask yourself in order to answer the question you posed.
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I married at 20 and realize now that I knew so little back then due to lack of life experience and maturity that comes with time. I won't say you married too young. It is too young for most of us but there's always an exception to the rule. However, marrying someone and from the start adding a 2nd women into the mix for a 3 some is a strain on the marriage. Yes, there is such a thing as polyamory...I have been there and done that. The same would go for swinging, which is just the extra sex partners but without the relationships as well.
If both marriage partners had a long established, and stable marriage, past the child bearing years, then it is safe to engage in alternative relationship styles, whatever suits your fancy. as long as all the adults involved are on the same level all desiring to do so of their own volition not because they were being forced or talked into it by someone.
So what you did do wrong is attempt this in a brand new marriage and during childbearing years.
In any 3 way or 4 way relationship, a number one must for them to work is trust and communication and its even more critical now that there are more people involved. If he wasn't asking you for some nights alone with her...then either you never set up ground rules, or he was breaking the rules by not asking you. You got involved way over your head. Was it your idea to have a 3way? Or was it his? If it wasnt your idea and you went along with as a way to "Keep" him, you now know that it doesnt' work.
Right now you are married to a man who is not honest with you and will sleep around with other women. People do not change quickly in life, even if they promise to. Change is difficult for the majority of humans, thats part of human nature. Some take an entire lifetime to change finally in their older years and others never change at all.
So there is a good chance that what you have now with him will never improve. Can you be happy with that 10 or 20 years from now.
If he ever has kids in the future from many other women as well that he has to pay child support on, thats all money leaving your household budget so there's nothing left for you and any kids you have together. Thats a hard reality.Right now there will be child support for one, even if he stays with you. As young as you are, you realistically have much dating and learning about men to do yet. I made the same mistake. MIne ended up being a verbal abuser for the 30 years I decided to stay.
I just wish to save other girls from deciding to "settle for less" cus if they took the time to learn what they like and don't like and learn to spot bad character traits and avoid those guys,then you have a chance at finding a wonderful man who doesn't weaken you but builds you up, he is in love with you and his heart beats only for you, you are his Queen and he treats you like one.
There is such a thing as happily ever after. I found that at age 50 with my new husband. If you stay with your husband, I can't guarantee that yours will be happily ever after.
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I can't really tell you what to do on this one, I will tell you what I would do if I were in your shoes though...
Divorce
Your husband cheated plain and simple. What's worse is he got another woman pregnant in the process. I wouldn't hesitate to pack his shit as soon as I found out. It is completely wrong and unacceptable in my eyes. Do I dare not to ever give chances to someone who would betray my respect and honesty. There would be no apologizes, Sometimes certain things we do cannot be repaired in life. I would take it will a grain of salt and never avain take the chance of a threesome.
Do better for yourself, To stay with him really isn't going to fix your marriage. In fact, You just then told him it's okay to be unfaithful and that child will always be a scar that happened during your marriage. Time to move on
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