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Trust Issues
okay so i've been with my boyfriend for a year and 2 months now. Everything is great. I feel like he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. He knows how to make me happy & he's just the sweetest thing ever. We've had our ups and downs just like any other couple. The biggest problem we have is trust. He trusts me but it's kinda hard to trust him. In the beginning of our relationship everything was amazing, just perfect I never thought things would get so badly to the point where we almost broke up. We would argue because I would find out things that he lied to me about. He's gone to parties without telling me anything and I got mad because he lied to me & told me he was going to sleep. Then later I found out he lied about smoking. He told me he quit for me but he lied. & he's lied to me about other little things which made me question him at times. There were also times where I felt like I was in competition with other girls. Ive told him about it. & hes change. He stopped with everything & things have been getting better. But is it bad that I just cant get over what he did? Like its always in the back of my head & i guess i have some anger towards him still. There are times when were talking just fine & it reminds me of the past & wat he did & i bring it up & we argue again. Can you please tell me ways to get over it ? I dont know why I just cant forget that he lied to me & hurt me.
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i cant tell you how much im the same way . ive been through the exact same stuff and i know the feeling. its hard trusting someone after they've lied to you. no matter how good its going you're always gonna remember whats he lied about and done in the past. its hard to just start trusting again.. the thing is if you want the relationship to work you have to learn to accept that it was in the past and that he's changed. you cant keep going off of whats happened in the past. not trusting just makes everything harder and you just get anxiety worrying so much. its not forgetting that you need to do its just accepting and moving forward. you just have to let it go and take small steps to trusting him again .
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talk to him
Ask him why he is always lying too you. Tell him you are gaving a problem trusting him because of it. I would also have a problem as little things can turn into big things. Communication is the key to any good relationship. He may need to earn your trust abd in the process maybe the both of you need to set some boundaries in the relationship.
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I've been in the same situation. My boyfriend was absolutely perfect until he lied to me about smoking and going out with his friends to do all that.
I used to be at the point where even though I told him I forgave him, I'd end up bringing it up and we'd get into a fight. I was never truly over it.
I ended up having a talk with him and a talk with myself. That stuff was in the past, I needed to leave it there. When I talked to him, I was honest with him and told him that I haven't gotten over it because when I think about it, it really hurts. He understood but made it clear that he hated when I bring it up because he stopped and it just causes unnecessary arguments.
You can't really make yourself trust him. He'll have to show you. I mean it will help by not bringing it up though.
The only reason you don't trust him is because you think he's going to do all that again.
As long as he's not going behind your back or anything, you'll learn to trust him again. This is something that obviously won't be easy but you really need to stick with it and work on it.
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Did you ever give it thought that in the beginning your relationship was amazing to you because you had not yet discovered that he has problems with lying? The "little" things he lies about may seem insignificant to you so it doesn't make sense why he would even bother to lie about it right? I agree, it doesn't make sense. Perhaps he feels he can not be open and discuss certain things with you because he has a preconceived idea about your temperament and reactions or from past experience he truly has learned how you react to 'surprises' or topics that he confesses and some guys feel threatened by females emotional responses. If this is the case and you can keep yourself detached to a point and keep your responses logic based, perhaps you will get somewhere with him.
Most people with a bad habit do not quit overnight because someone had a talk with them.
Change for most humans takes an entire lifetime to accomplish...not overnight. If he was able to actually do that, then he is better than the 99.9% of us out there who struggle with change.
So if there is a slight chance that he hasn't changed, what has actually happened then? There's a likelihood that he's found a way to hide it better from you. Your subconscious mind is looking at thing realistically and realizing that there is a chance that he is still lying though you can't pick it up as easy at the moment. Why your subconscious? Cus it is where all your emotions and feelings come from. Your conscious awake mind see's the points you do like about him and thinks he'd make a good life long mate. Your subconscious is not on the same page and I don't blame her. He has to earn your trust. Its not something that you have to find ways to "get over it" Trust is a fragile thing. Once broken, it's like the Humpty Dumpty tale "all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put Humpty together again." Or think of a fine china tea cup. You could super glue all the pieces back together but it will never be quite the same. It's not something that can be patched up and made to work. The trust that was there is gone. Now he has to start all fresh and new and start from scratch by proving (consistantly) with his actions that he is trustworthy.
You might want to listen a little more closely to your inner voice. Your subconscious is not being irrational.
Go back and read what you wrote to us. The first few sentences are like you are trying to convince us that everything is great with him.
We wouldn't have any preconceived ideas about him dear. Your title "Trust issues" and statement: "everything is great he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. He knows how to make me happy & he's just the sweetest thing ever" was not written for us. You are trying to convince yourself that all is well with him. Hon, you need to be honest with yourself because I believe you may not being doing so right now. If I am mistaken, I apologize but what you wrote is what leads me to believe this.
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