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Not sexually attracted to the man I love
20/f
So I've been dating this guy for almost three years now and he is the absolute best boyfriend he can be. He treats me very well, is always thinking of me and is very sweet. We've always gotten along and hardly ever argue about anything serious. The thing that's been bothering me lately is that I don't feel as sexually attracted to him as I once was. Every time I know he's about to make a move, I turn away or start doing something else and I don't even know why. I'm not ever in the mood for it anymore. I don't like to make out anymore or do anything sexual. I love him to death and I could see myself marrying him one day. I just don't understand how to make this better. I hate not being in the mood especially when he is. What should I do? We've tried new things to spark it up but nothing seems to work for me /:
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There are a lot of things that may be going on here. It is hard for a total stranger to know for sure just what may be your problem if there is an actual problem. All any of us can do is point out some things for you to consider.
The first thing I see is someone 20 years old who has been with someone since she was 17 or possibly 16. That tells me that you may be, in the back of your mind, wondering if you are settling having not had the opportunity to play the field. This would be the most common problem for a young couple. What you are really thinking; is What have I missed.
Next is you are finding out that even though you love him; you don't have a lot in common. To put it another way; the sex was great but now the gleam or the attraction of having sex has worn off and you have to talk to each other and you have nothing to talk about.
This is something I warn against in answering other questions. Sexual attraction is great. Sex only takes us so far, one day you wake up and you have to actually talk to each other and this is when you find out what type of relationship you have or if you have a relationship at all.
Next and maybe more important than the first two is an organic problem. You may have a hormonal imbalance. This could be caused by your birth control medication, especially if your doctor recently changed your medication.
Birth control medication prevents pregnancy. What is in the medication can mess with you hormones and put you off wanting to have sex.
My wife had breast cancer, we were very lucky she caught it early. Her medication is in essence the plan B pill on steroids. She has absolutely no estrogen in her body as this is what her cancer fed off of. As far as having any sexual desire that went out the window with the first pill. The good part is she is still with me and is cancer free.
I'm not suggesting you have cancer. Birth control pills lower your estrogen. Not enough estrogen and you do not feel like having sex. For a man it is too little testosterone and he won't want sex.
I suggest you check with your GYN. Tell him or her the problem. The doctor will or can do a simple blood test to check your hormone levels. If as I suspect you are deficient in estrogen it is a simple fix and you will want sex again.
Since I do not know you I cannot say which of these three, is affecting you more. I would start with visiting your GYN. If nothing is wrong in this area then you need to give some thought to the first two items I have written about.
You know yourself better than anyone else so be honest with yourself. I and the others here will be here if you want to discuss this further.
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There is something called new relationship energy, NRE which in the beginning of a relationship give a heightened awareness of all the sensations and emotions, feelings. So what might seem to pass for sexual chemistry and attraction is not actually true. After weeks or a couple months, maybe in some cases even 6 months, it wears off. What you are left with then is the true status of the relationship. This man deserves to be with a woman who has sexual attraction for him. You deserve to be with a guy who has all the wonderful attributes of him but whom you have sexual chemistry with. Some of us figure out subtle signs sooner with life experience. But at your age, you are doing the best you can. Its scary to move on and start the process over but that is part of the learning experience to better know what we do and dont like, what we want and can't live without in a relationship. Great friendship and great sexual relations are the two foundations on which each relationship rests.
So unless you have had a recent emotional trauma like losing someone to death or other extremely stress ful situation that can affect all our moods even sexual desire, then I would still figure its the lack of chemistry. It's not your fault or his. There's nothing you're doing wrong.
I was married 30 years to a man I had no chemistry with, and he didn't feel it for me. But immaturely, he blamed me for it tho I was willing to try all sorts of things like watching porn together....anything to make it work. Trust me, without chemistry, nothing is going to help. ONce there were children, I stayed because of the children. Partly Because of his frustration in not being sexually fulfilled, he began to verbally abuse me.
The only thing I don't understand is why you have been for him for 3 years...unless you didn't have the sex until real late in the relationship.
Even then, there should have been some subtle warnings that all was not right. Since this is probably your first long term relationship you have nothing to compare this to. If there is sexual chemistry, you will know it. How?
The moment you meet a person, even a perfect stranger, it may not be exactly his looks, but all of a sudden your body responds in sexual ways, your heart beat picks up, you tingle or have little lightning bolts course through your genitals, you are overwhelmed with longing and desire. Your palms sweat. You mentally start wishing you could have a chance to have conversation with the person to determine if there is a possibility of his being a best friend too...you know there is sexual attraction on your part. If he keeps locking eyes with you, likely there is a chance he has too. When you kiss, there are kisses that can make your heart jump and beat a beat harder at first...more from the anticipation your mind set up, but eventually as the kiss goes on, it levels out and though nice, is not making youPerhaps you thought that before being sexual with him, whatever you felt was enough to prove he was perfect for you feel like you are spinning out of control, that you have become a boneless mass and youPerhaps you thought that before being sexual with him, whatever you felt was enough to prove he was perfect for you can feel your crotch reacting really strongly...to spell it out, you feel your self becoming wet and engorged. Yes, I thought once at your age that it was something only made up in Romance novels. But trust me...it is true. It took me until my late forties before I left the husband I had no chemistry with and found someone I did have it with. I just wish now that I'd had this experience a whole lot earlier in my life. But better late than never. Have an honest talk with him. He may feel sexual attraction but one sided doesnt work. Or he may think what he feels is sexual attraction but then he hasn't experienced many relationships yet either to be able to know from experience.
Good luck dear.
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