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Can't Commit: I see myself marrying him, but I can't stop saying yes to other guys...
21/f
I started seeing this guy, James, about 8 months ago. We immediately got along so well and our sense of humor matches up- which is very important to me. Being in college though, I knew I wasn't ready to be in a committed relationship. With parties constantly going on, I was always meeting cute guys that I knew I would say yes to going on dates with. I've never been one to sleep around, but I loved meeting new guys. James was very clear that he really liked me, but I kept pushing him away.
However, since summer started, I began seeing him every day. Any time neither of us had to work, we were with each other. I got to know him so much better. Recently, I moved a couple hours away but have gone to see him a couple of times. Each time I see him, I find myself thinking how wonderful is and I can truly see myself marrying him. He's everything I want in a man, constantly has me in tears from laughing so hard, and I always feel the excitement I did when we first started seeing each other.
The problem is that I still get asked on dates by other men from time to time and I find it hard to say no. They text me and I flirt back, and afterward I feel awful. How do I let go of that? James' parents love me and they always talk about our future- which EXCITES me to think about! I don't feel as if I'm running from the commitment because the thought of being in a relationship with him makes me so happy. I just can't quit seeing other men too. How do I stop before I ruin my relationship?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
The problem is that your heart and your subconscious mind has not made a commitment to James...you admitted that right off the bat. You are young and deep down inside, you are the female version of a male wanting to experience a lot of females before he settles for one. You are plainly not ready to commit.
What you are trying to do is:
You want to enjoy single college life for now but find a way to keep a nice guy on the back burner waiting for you once you've gotten your fill of experiencing the attention and dating and party life.
Right? Well, that could easily blow up in your face with James becoming tired of waiting for you to come to your senses and he moves on and gets a girl who is ready to commit to a serious relationship or maybe even marriage now.
No one can predict when they will find the right one for themselves so if it happens in college, then good, make the commitment and enjoy.
You still want to play and are not ready for some of the things of adult life. And thats okay if thats who you are. But don't force yourself to change who you are to make someone else happy. Be your self. If being yourself is being single and partying with lots of guys, then so be it. But you must be honest with James and tell him that you are still young 21, and not ready to commit to a relationship, even just dating, with one guy. So this is notice to him that as much as you like him, you want to live and enjoy college life. The decision making part of our brains dont finish fully growing until mid 20's so you might be pushing it to make the best decision for yourself on a committed relationship for a handful of years yet. So dont rush into anything. I can't tell you how to stop doing what you are doing because it might involve changing who you are and what you need to experience. Once you are done playing, if Jame is still single and available and willing to take you back, then lucky you, go back to him. But he may be taken.
If you are really that much in love with him that you fear losing him . . .then no pretty guy could turn your head and get you to want to tango with him. Plain and simple, it seems you don't care enough about James. It take more than a nice guy to be in a committed relationship or marriage with, it takes someone with whom there is sexual chemistry too. You've got the friendship part down, so James could easily be your best friend...important in marriage but he may not end up being your lover..the one who moves you with love and passion beyond your wildest dreams. If you marry someone who is only a best friend without having the hot lust, love, passion part, then you end up like the greater amount of couple who are married to a best friend but have no sexual relationship at some point. Some of those are happy to let their libidos die. Others are not and one or both partners start having affairs not because there is something wrong with their partner, its just they are with the wrong partner to begin with.
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I have to agree with the person below me. You should have a talk with him about how exclusive you guys are. I would think that would make you turn guys down.
It's obvious if you can't stop, you shouldn't be exclusive with him even if you really like him. You don't have the self control you need to be in a relationship. Once you do, then you should start being exclusive with him.
You can't control what other guys say to you, but you can control what you say. You do it because you like the attention. So just don't flirt back, although it's not that simple, don't continue talking to guys who start flirting with you.
I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 years and before him, I always enjoyed talking to guys and going out with out guys. I didn't want a serious relationship, but I really liked him and I saw him in my future.
But then guys would still ask me out and I'd text guys and it really strained our relationship even if I didn't do anything with them.
So talk to him, try to teach yourself self control and everything should be fine.
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First of all i would like to know if you have had a discussion with James about only seeing each other? If you have not, you should. He could be taking other girls out on dates and your feeling guilty for no reason. So if you have not had that conversation then it's important that you do. Just so your both on the same page about being exclusive.
If you have had the conversation or you do it and decide to be exclusive then you just need to explain that to guys that hit on you. I know it's hard and we all love attention i'm SOOOO GUILTY of this myself... REALLY! So this is what you need to do just explain to the guys that have been perusing you that you recently decided to become exclusive with someone you've been dating. Tell them you think they're great and you would love to stay in touch as friends but you are now in a committed relationship. If you can't do it in person or on the phone then take advantage of text messaging! Some of them will still want to hang out and have coffee or whatnot as friends but the sad truth is that most of them will stop contacting you.
On the up side having the "conversation," about being exclusive will give you a new found confidence about your relationship. You will be able to turn down other opportunities easer when you feel confident about being on the same page with your boyfriend. Also once you do it once you will feel a big weight of guilt lift off your shoulders and it will be easer to do it in the future. You will associate the honesty of disclosure with a good feeling that feels even better then attention because it doesn't come with guilt.
If your still having problems sending that text that discloses your relationship status, try this. Think about how deceived you would feel if your boyfriend was leading on other girls and do it for him. Think about how deceived you would feel if you found out a guy you were really into had a girl friend? You seem like a compassionate caring person. If you connect to that part of yourself it will be much easer to do the right thing and disclose.
Good luck honey and don't forget the most important thing HAVE THE CONVERSATION WITH JAMES!! (only if you haven't already)
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