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Irresponsible/ Non Caring Husband
I am married for 3.5 years now and I am just not happy with my husband. I am sure he has same feelings as I do. I really dont know were the problem is. Is it my mental stability or its our understanding issues.
Initially when we fought, the conclusion was that i have some mental disorder and i am reacting for small issues. But this is going on for ever. Every 4th or 5th day we fought, the situation is sooo bad that we have started hitting each other. We physically abuse each other. We dont want to do this to each other but we get out of control when we are upset or mad about anything. Most of the times the fight gets started because of me, i lose temper for very very small issues (according to my husband, these are small issues and i should not be reacting). I have lot of expectations from my partner which i dont see him taking care of. He is not a responsible person to take care of small things in our house, either if getting furniture, setting up home, family planning, going for vacation, financial planning etc.
I am 32 years of age & Female
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Maybe give some free advice about: Abusive Relationships?
The first thing that needs to be addressed is the physical fighting. Fighting should never reach the point of physical abuse. Once it does it just continues to escalate. At some point it will become a police matter.
Many states have domestic abuse laws which call for the police to separate the combatants. This means one of you will be going to jail for the evening or possible the weekend while waiting to see a judge. Which one of you will go to jail? A friend of mine who is a cop tells me he usually picks the one least injured as the aggressor and they go to jail.
Do you have a mental illness? I doubt it. You do seem to have a temper and that could be helped with talk therapy with a qualified therapist. At the very least it would help reduce the physical fighting.
The fact that you are not happy with your husband and he is not happy with you says that this may be the time for a time out from your marriage. One of you needs to move out and a legal separation document be prepared by a lawyer, each of you having your own lawyer, and filed with the courts. This is a prelude to a divorce and spells out each others rights and many other things should you decide to end your marriage. The good part is it is not final, for at least 12 months, as a divorce is and can be negated with a stroke of a pen.
During the timeout you and your husband can attend marriage counseling, both together and individually. You can if you wish start dating each other again, without marital relations as this starts the clock on the legal separation all over again. You can if you wish start dating other people just make sure it is stated in the separation papers.
From what you have written you two are headed to places you don't want to go. It is only a matter of time before a neighbor calls the police or one of you is hurt to the point you need a doctors care and the police are called. Then one of you has an arrest record for domestic violence. Neither of you need this.
I would not like to read or hear on the news of a couple fighting to the point that one of them had to be hospitalized. For that reason I think it is best that you both take a timeout from your marriage. Even if it means one of you temporarily moves back in with their parents while they make other living arrangements.
See a lawyer and discuss how to go about a legal separation and what is needed to have your husband leave your home if you wish to remain in your home.
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Ask any females who see alot of you if they think you lose your temper easily. Tell them you wont get angry and don't. You need some objective people to verify if you have a problem here or to rule yourself out. The fact that you allow yourself to be drawn into an argument and not be able to control emotions shows that you do have some problems with how to relate to people. It only comes out more with hubby because you're around each other more. I won't say he's the angel. It takes two to tango. I lived with a verbally abusive husband and learned early on that defending myself or trying to even use logic and get him to see reason only added fuel to the fire and made him angrier...there was no pleasing him. If this is who you are matched with I would suggest you use this opportunity to learn how to not fight, keep peace, control your emotions because if you leave to find a nice guy before you have dealt with yourself, the nice guy will leave you or if he turns out to be a jerk, he will present the exact situation you ran from until you deal with yourself.
Not trying to pick on you dear. As a Scorpio, I am reputed to have a wild temper. I chose to learn in my teens and into my twenties to overcome my natural tendencies...its a part of maturing and growing into a better human being. But I was tested by being married to someone who ended up having mental problems. There was no way it would improve. So once I learned how to grow personally because of it, then I was able to leave and there was no need to have another immature man in my life to learn thru so I was able to attract a mature loving man who ends up being my soulmate.
I am not promoting staying in a physically abusive relationship though. Usually a physically abusive relationship is one way mostly men towards women, but there are woman beat on their men and the men dont hit back.
Truly, you are going to be the only one to know what is the right thing to do for yourself because you mention him being irresponsible. No one can change another person so what you see now is what it always will be because tho people make some minor changes during a lifetime, few make any major ones as I did with my temper for one amoung other things.
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