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I like this guy but I'm freaked out
So I like this guy and he is always there for me. He is also sweet and genuinely cares about me. (Not to mention he is cute!) But there is one problem...I'm scared to get into another relationship. The ones I've had sucked major butt and the guys always seemed great at first, but they ended up the same. I don't know if he is any different. I mean I want to be with him, but the idea of a relationship terrifies me. I also don't want to lose him. As you can see, there are conflicted feelings. Please help me.
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This kind of thing happens to a lot of people.
When you meet someone, they normally act better to keep you around. So you pretty much have to watch out for warning signs.
I mean obviously if you don't get back out there, you might miss a good guy.
I've had some really bad relationships before, they were nice in the beginning but then eventually they show who they really are. I'm dating a guy who was a really good friend before we even thought about dating, so I knew him pretty well.
I went out with one guy on a couple dates, he acted very nice and was really cute but when I went on a couple more dates with him, he started acting conceited and talking about his exes. Which were warning signs for me.
So my advice would be to take this slow with him. You don't have to rush into a relationship. Just start out with a few dates and see if you're ready to be in a relationship and if he's a good guy.
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I don't know what your criteria was for choosing a guy to be in a relationship with so I can't help give much on hinters as to what to stop doing and what to start doing.
One thing though I have found, and it happens at any age, even 40s, 50s on, is that people who have something to hide try to put their best impression out there for you, a fake persona, the nice person. Once they think they have you hooked, they drop the fake stuff and go back to being themselves. It takes lots of energy to keep up a lie about yourself 24/7 It doesn't have to be long, it can be after a handful of dates that the mask slips, or it may take as long as a couple months. But the first moment you see anything in behavior that reminds you of the other guys, then break it up. You don't have to point out what was lacking in them...they wont see it. Just say, there wasn't enough chemistry.
I will give a good example from my own life. I was married to a verbally abusive man. Eventually I left him and started dating. Once I met a guy I really liked at our first meeting. I liked our 2nd date too, no warning signs. But on the 3rd date, he had me over to dinner at his place and said he was embarrassed how the place looked and that his worthless piece of shit house maid...and called her racial names too. No, it wasn't directed at me, so I COULD choose to ignore it. But what I learned from experience is that if a person thinks and lives that way at core in their being, it would be only a matter of time before he turned those insults on me. I dropped him like a hot rock and told him I met someone else.
So my advice is to not lock yourself away from a possible good relationship just because the immature or bad people seem to outweigh the good. I had to go through lots of ugly ducklings personality wise before i met my 2nd husband. This one is my prince charming. We are soul-mates or twin-flames as some people call it. If you choose to build up a wall to protect your heart, then no one will be able to reach you, even family. It is better to make a harder effort to look for those warning signs to come early. This is part of what dating is all about. You date to get to know who they really are inside and then you decide whether to be in long term relationship if they seem to be a great person. Dating is not meant to be a entertainment, we went to a movie, went biking, went dancing or out to dinner. That is not going to tell you as much as regular every day life is where you spend time around them. Like in stressful situations, how does he handle them? Someone calls him a name or challenges him, how does he react and so on. I will also say this, if you're younger than mid twenties, peoples brains, the decision making part for good or bad choices doesnt complete growin until then. Any time before that, young people are trying to navigate life with a brain that isn't fully capable yet of making the best decisions for itself. So at this period in time, it is important to have someone or several someones as sounding boards. Someone local for you who will give you their advice and opinion when you ask for it. A mom, aunt, maybe a neighbor lady you're friendly with. Try to stay away from peers becasuse they are in the same boat as you and you wont likely get much anything constructive from them or than: He's sooo cute, you'll kick your self if you dont go out with him and someone else does. I hope this helps. If you have any other concerns dear, you can write to me on my columns in box.
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