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A tricky question
I'll try to keep this short. 20s/Male. Basically I want to adopt. I don't want to have children that are mine genetically. My parents have a few negative genetic traits each and I seem to have pretty much all of them. Having children biologically would risk having children with addictions, anxiety, heart and digestive problems, and more. Still, I think I would be a good parent, so I would love to adopt and give a childhood to a child that wouldn't have one otherwise. A problem I have had when I date is when to break this information to my significant other. If I say it too soon, it seems like I'm entering the relationship too quickly. If I say it too late, it seems like I'm withholding an important fact and wasting someone's time. If anyone could give me some insight, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks -Sam
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I think I know how you feel. I was on dating sites before I met my 2nd husband on there. I like to be open and honest right up front. The fact is that people date to determine if they have chemistry and are compatible enough to marry or being in a committed life long relationship. I know for myself that if I date and am starting to fall for the guy and then reveal my possible deal breaker piece of news, if the person can't handle it, then both my heart will be crushed and so will theirs. I wanted to avoid that. While it seemed a crazy thing to say at the start as I did in my profile to screen them out ahead, (they wouldnt write me if they couldn't handle it) for those ladies you just meet by coming across in public, if you are on your third date, you might go ahead and say something like, "Since there was enough attraction to get past the first date, just in case we ever get to the point of committing to a relationship together, I'd rather convey this piece of information to you in case it may be a dealbreaker." And then tell your story.
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I think what you want to do is admiral and I will address your question in a moment. Before we get to it though I have some advice you may want to try before you figure out the best time and way to break this news to a significant other.
The traits you're speaking of do not always pass from parent to child they on occasion skip generations or are not present in you as a genetic fault to pass to you children.
What I am about to suggest may not be covered by your health insurance but is well worth the investment to find out just what genes you may pass on to your biological children.
What I am suggesting is you contact a geneticist. Meet with the doctor and tell him or her just what your concern is. We have come a long way in or ability to gene map. It may be possible for a geneticist through a simple, painless test from you to see if any of the traits you are concerned with will be passed on to your biological children. Once you know this for sure then you can plan on when to tell your significant other.
As when to tell your significant other. If it is necessary to do so then the time I believe would be when you start to talk about a long term relationship. In every relationship there is a time when you go from dating to being in a relationship. This is when you talk about a life together. How many children you both want, what type of home you want. If your significant other wants to maintain a career outside the home. What responsibilities each would take on in maintaining the home and child care.
Of course these discussions don't take place all at once though they do start to be discussed as you transition from dating to being in a relationship. This is the time when you find out more about each other and what life would be like as a couple. The possibility of living together happens somewhere in this time frame.
When these discussions begin to take place is when I feel you should have these discussions with her. She may be relieved not to have to bear children as she would prefer to be a career women and adopting would be easier. Then of course she may be a girly girl looking forward to the whole birthing experience. This information may not be a deal breaker for her if you have the information from the geneticist and she knows in advance just what she is to expect.
Addictions and anxiety are not inherited traits, they are learned or experienced. As a good parent you can avoid subjecting your children to these traits. The heart and digestive problems with todays medicine, if they are inherited problems, are more manageable today than they were when you were a child. You just have to let the pediatrician know of this so it can be watched for, managed and corrected early if need be.
I know I have been a bit long winded here. I believe you are concerned over something that may not be that great of concern. You need to get the facts before you make any type of decision as to have biological children or not.
As I said the degree of advancement in medicine and genetics since you were a child relatively speaking is light years of difference. Get the facts that will let you know just what you might pass on to your biological children then base your decision on facts as to what if anything you need to discuss with a significant other.
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