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I don't want anyone but my husband
I moved to a new town when my hubby deployed, and I couldn't sleep without him. I dreamed of being held and snuggled, and I told him I wished I had a gf (I wouldn't risk another man). I'd had girl-girl make outs in college, but I love men, my husband above all.
He began scouring dating sites to find a woman for me to have sex with, talking to them online daily posed as me. The attentions he gave these women made me jealous, and he wouldn't talk about anything else... until he suggested a second man for double penetration, which sounds like something I'd wish on my worst enemy. I figured it was the desert talking, that when he actually got back and got laid again he'd settle down-and he has, mostly.
He just went to a bachelor party with strippers the first night and prostitutes the next, he walked out on the 2nd (he's faithful, these extra people in his fantaies are for touching me only, he says). I complained abt the party, so he hoped to make it up to me by hiring a prostitute to pleasure me (ethical and hygienic no-go, IMO, plus huge waste of $). He started getting pushy about it and saying I should do it for him, since I came up with the idea, and now he can't help thinking about it nonstop, that I'm denying myself some superior 3-way pleasure ~ backward responses to rectifying the things I didn't like about that party: sex workers, disrespect of monogamy, etc. He steers every conversation to it, or another man, giving me the silent treatment when I say I'm not interested. He usually talks things out like a champ. My fear was that being around guys/behavior like that party made him lose respect for me, that it's ok to do whatever he wants and my feelings don't matter. I hope it's the fact that he is just extremely stressed at work that's driving this again.
Please tell me how to get him to stop pressuring me to give in to these scary fantasies and to start respecting my boundaries and desires. I want him to keep telling me his mind, and I don't mind him having the fantasies (though I wish they were a little variable and not just all of the same the filthiest porns), but I don't want any real life person encroaching on us. I don't want to be intimate at all with anyone but my husband.
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Dear Monogamous Wife,
I think you should sit down and have a talk with your husband. Explain to him how you feel about the situation. Tell him that what you said was just a fantasy created from sexual depravation and that you really would never do that. Let him know that it is ok to talk about and fantasize about but never to become a reality. Also explain the way you feel about his loss of respect for you. Let him know that he is the only one that you want and that monogamy is the only way for you. If he truly loves you he will understand and accept this. Maybe to ease the tensions between the two of you try replacing this fantasy of his with something new. Maybe try agreeing to try something new that he wants to try as long as it only involves you and him and of course only if you are comfortable with it. As you should never be made to feel uncomfortable. As for the party I think its best to forgive and forget. You have to trust that he did nothing with anyone. And him walking out on the second party proves that he loves you and he wouldnt do anything to hurt you. Try talking to him and if you need any more help let me know and I'll try to give you the best advice that I can give.
I hope I helped you with your situation, best wishes...
Stephie
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There is such a thing as swinging and polyamory in which all adults have agreed and are comfortable with sharing each other. Since it doesn't seem to be your thing, he should respect it. The real alternative lifestyle is not for everyone. Swinging is just for the extra sex and I know of friends who tried it and got jealous. They did not think they would because the fantasy in their mind was one thing but in reality they found they could not handle it. That could happen to your husband. Polyamory is for the love and emotional support from a second person who may also be another lover.
Being a military wive, you are just going to have to get used to being alone for great lengths of time. There's no way around it unless you found one guy who hubby is okay with being the friend with benefits who keeps you company only while he is gone. No 3 way play which you are uncomfortable with. This would be the open marriage concept. But then it doesnt do anything for your husbands fantasies. What you might suggest is that in his mind he pretends to be a different guy having sex with you. The mind is our greatest sexual organ. So imagination alone should be able to do it along with your participation in what you say like oh your so much hairier than my husband, I love that, or your so much bigger etc. He could wear a man's wig or apply a fake mustache. Although I dont see these props as necessary. To be honest, hubby and I have our own role play. There are four other characters and each has their own personality. Us being older, if he is lacking energy one night, I ask to see and be with the younger guy, and the young stud who can go all night shows up, and instantly where hubby was tired and lacking energy, he is now a totally different person. I of course participate in this by even imagining in my mind what the other guys would look like. This is a wonderful and most safe way for husbands and wives to explore their fantasies and still only be with each other. Good luck dear
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When it comes to sex I have two rules that I offer up front as part of any advice I offer.
Rule 1. Both parties have to be consenting to anything the other may want to try. Be that bringing a third person into their bedroom or trying a new position or fetish.
Rule 2. No means NO and stop means STOP. Refereeing to rule one; should you both agree to try something at any time either party can say no to it or part of it or either party can say stop. This means you Stop or you don't do what was said no to.
These rules are important and they are important to what you have written about as they apply to discussion about your sex life as well. You have told your husband you do not want a third person and you do not want a same sex affair either. That this was just a lonely fantasy while he was deployed. That should be enough for him and that should end the discussion.
I do not know as you did not say, where your husband was deployed. If he was deployed to a war zone this fantasy you inadvertently put in his head may have sustained him during his deployment.
You also mentioned that you think stress at work may be the problem. I don't think it is work related stress. I believe your husband may be suffering from PTSD as many soldiers who were deployed to a war zone suffer from PTSD. If I am right he needs help. The right kind of help that only doctors can provide.
Just so you know; if I am right and your husband is suffering from PTSD. Had you given into his sexual fantasy request it would not have satisfied him and may even have made things worse.
If your husband is a reservist contact his commanding officer and tell him/her you believe he is suffering from PTSD and ask for help. You can also use your own health insurance and EAP programs for help which will probably be faster than the military or the VA, if your husband is no longer in the military.
Please hang in there with your husband for as I said I believe he is suffering from PTSD. You have both done a great service for your country and I thank you both for your service and what you have suffered. Now it is time to take care of your husband. This does not mean you must give in to his sexual fantasies. You can stand your ground while seeing to it he gets the help he needs.
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This may not be what you want to here..
I wouldn't risk a marriage over a fantasy. Although he encourages and gives permission to do so, I always said adding someone to your personal life is disastrous. A marriage should be about two people and two people only. Why is your husband looking on a dating site for you? Although I am completely against it, Why couldn't you look?... I think what could possibly happen is that your husband may find he is beginning to bond with another woman.
Why can't you just have friends? You could volunteer with animals or children who love hugs. Why do you feel the need to have an affair?
If your husband is pressuring you then you need to tell him to back off and respect you. Let him know you are not comfortable talking about the subject and to please drop it.
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