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Losing a friend
To make a long story short, my friend and I drifted apart. I live across the country but moving back to where she lives very shortly. I have felt like she has distanced herself from me. I try to text and keep in touch, but felt like everything was one-sided. I wrote her an email to explain how I feel. She wrote back saying she re-evaluated the friendship because she felt that I was basically full of anxiety, and so caught up in my own issues that I was a burden on her and made her feel like the friendship was one-sided, like I wasn't there for her enough emotionally and too anxious and caught up in my own life.
I wrote back explaining that circumstances have changed-dueto changing life events as well as the fact that I am taking better care of myself. I explained that I was in a dark place, and couldn't be a good friend to her because I couldn't even support myself. I feel like a changed person- I am a better person and friend to others. I hope she can take my word for it because my concern is that she will dismiss it, and not want to re-kindle the friendship because of things that happened in the past, and who I was before.
Any thoughts or advice?
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She probably doesn't understand the situation you were in when you were in a dark place. When these kinds of life changing things happen, you lose friends because of the focus on yourself. Although of course, you'll see who your real friends are. But it's harder to understand and be there for someone when it's through email and text messages so that's probably why she never understood what was going on. And sometimes, some people just don't understand at all.
Either way, all you can do is hope for her to see that you're not like that anymore. Show her that you're not, be happy and positive around her and let her see the changes you've made. I'm sure she'll see the change in you and see that you know how to take care of yourself better now.
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As we mature, we continuously learn to make better choices for ourselves. Unfortunately in the learning process we sometimes will create chasms between us and others. Trust is hard to re-establish but can be done if both parties are willing. It can't be forced.
I respect your need for privacy and not giving details but I can only imagine what may have happened. I will make a guess...if I am wrong please dismiss it as I do not have the details, but in case I am close, please take this only as friendly advice. You mentioned circumstances and life changing events which got me to wondering.
So I will paint a scenerio...lets say someone was depressed because a boyfriend left and then lost her job and now had to rely on help from friends, and because of the depression from boyfriend loss wasn't looking as hard as possible for another job. Then all of a sudden, a job falls into her lap and a guy she works with is sweet on her. She is feeling better but only due to things that occurred externally, not changes inside her self. If she did not learn how to deal with her depression by choosing to do things to raise her levels of joy naturally without relying on the circumstances in her life, then the next time a test comes, (which it always does until we learn our lesson) then she will fall apart again and the same scenerio of the past will happen again.
Your friend does not know that you had life changing ways of dealing internally with your heart and mind and if you found healing there before events in your life changed. That is usually why people are reluctant to believe. They need proof. The proof unfortunately won't be in your great new job, or in the new car or computer you can afford because of it. The proof will be when the next set of difficult circumstances hits your life. It could also be that your friend has no compassion for what you went through because she has not experienced anything the same. With compassion and empathy, it is easier to understand where you are coming from and willing to give an old friendship another chance. I have no idea what the case may be. Just pray that she will be open to talk and also evaluate if you had external changes that took stress off and made you happy again or if it was that you found how to have internal joy no matter how bleak your circumstances. And be able to explain to her which of those you went through. Good luck dear.
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I'm not going to tell you 'she'll come round', because the way I see it is she's changed for good-people do. It may not be what you want to hear, but you did ask.
Sometimes, as hard as it may be, friends do drift apart.
It has happened to everyone at some point in their lives. The way I see it is that if the other person doesn't want to be friends with you, then you're wasting your time.
Like a romantic relationship, if one person ends it, the other will be better off in the long run if they move on themselves.
I think that if you carry on trying to be friendly to someone who doesn't want it, things could turn bitter. You do not want this bitterness to overshadow all the happy memories you and your friend had.
Its easy to be governed by emotions in this situation, so you need to think with your head. This means accepting it was a friendship, and accepting it may not be there anymore, but being thankful for what it was.
You seem friendly-so you will make a new friend even better than her pretty soon too. Someone who actually wants to be friends with you. But you can only do this if you learn how to let go-however hard that may be.
I'd send her a note saying you actually agree with her, and that perhaps if she wasn't prepared to support you like a friend should do, you don't want that from a friend. Sign it with 'best wishes for the future'. Its always best to leave on good terms.
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