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Losing my mom!:(
I've been in a situation when me and mom don't get along and it's gotten worse i live with my dad and step mom while my mom lives two hours away I don't get to see her often and when I try to she doesn't have time for me I have been talking to people like my dad about it but every day it eats me up I get upset about her and it hurts me I've gone to council ing but she told me it was my fault and I ruined our relationship when I left I was 8 at that time and now I'm 15 I miss my mom so much but I hate feeling like I'm walking on eggshells when I'm around her we constantly fight and I don't know what to do anymore I'm tired of crying at night any advice?
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Let me make one thing perfectly clear; You did not ruin your relationship with your mom. It is not your fault, you were 8 years old there is no way you could have ruined the relationship between you. She is blaming you for what is really a problem between her and your dad.
The true casualty of divorce is the children. At age 8 you had no choice as to which parent you lived with. This was decided either between your parents at a conference table with their lawyers or by a judge in family court.
What this means is either your mom voluntarily gave up custody of you to your father as part of her agreement to a divorce or at trial the judge felt you would be better cared for by your father. In either case you had nothing to do with who you lived with so I see no reason to your mom say your leaving ruined your relationship. That is just anger and spite being placed on you where it doesn't belong.
I know exactly how you feel for different reasons. You see I was the accidental child and while my parents stayed together also having another child, my sister. My father never showed me the same love and affection he showed for my sister. In fact he always blamed me for any problems that befell him. It took a long time, well into my adult years and a lot of therapy before I understood this. In fact the last 10 years of his life he and I never spoke. I will not go into why other than to say he finally crossed that imaginary line with one of his fits of rage. I wrote him, told him off and that was the end of any relationship I had with him. Do I miss him? No.
Why have I told you this. From what you have written you mom does not deserve your tears. She is the one who has decided what her relationship is with you. You are 15 now old enough to decide what if any relationship you want to have with your mother.
IF when the times you see your mother,as part of the divorce decree, you are now old enough to say no, I don't wish to see her. There is no reason you should be forced to if you have to walk on eggshells around her. If she has no time for you and you are left to fend for yourself that is not right.
IF your dad and step mom are caring for you as good parents should then this is where you belong. You have not written otherwise so I will assume life at home is good.
She may be your biological mother that does not mean she is a real mother. Your step mom may be the person who is supplying the love and devotion a mother supplies. If this is the case with you then you should talk with your father. As I said your old enough now that you can decide if you want to see her. He can have the visitation changed which I believe is in your best interest for now.
You can do as I did and write her, tell her how you feel. Then see what and if she writes back to you.
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It's not your fault. Logically it was not possible you could've done anything to ruin their relationship at 8. It just doesn't work like that. I know you love your mom, but maybe give her some time to sort it out in her head. Or maybe say "mom could we talk for a minute?" then just tell her how you feel. If this doesn't work then you should know you did everything you could to fix it, and maybe try again another time. She can't hold this against you forever, stay near the ones you love, and who love you back <3
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Did your dad have any suggestions? Is he willing to talk to her? I don't know what circumstances had you being separated at 8, your choice or dad winning custody. Either one probably hurt your mom in ways that she never was able to get over. For her to blame you now for something that happened years ago shows she hasn't moved on with her life. She is miserable so she wants to make everyone else miserable and that includes pushing you away, keeping you at arms length and picking fights. Sometimes we end up with a parent that acts more like a kid. Its sad, but it isn't age that makes one mature you know. My daughters grew up with a dad who was immature. It was like I was counseling them how to handle a pesky bratty younger brother instead of their dad.
You can pray for her but there is nothing you can do to make her change. We only have control of ourselves and how we change and grow. So don't allow moms behavior to suck you in to becoming stuck too just because you don't have your mom around for the mother figure you need during your teen years. You need to be able to forgive her. She is just another soul like you on this earth who has some important lessons to learn in life. Think of your moms rejection as an opportunity for you to learn to build your own character in ways you might not have otherwise. Sometimes this means being willing to reach out for help. Your dads choice of a new wife was not your choice for a mom substitute so I don't expect that to necessarily work. But see if you can think of any other women who could be that mother figure to you. It takes humbling yourself but it can be done. When my parent died early and the kids had one less set of grandparents, we asked an older couple we knew who wanted grandkids but didnt have any yet if they would like to be honorary grandparents to our kids. They were delighted. Our kids had many happy times with them. Do you have aunts, or moms of your girlfriends that you especially like. You get to pick out the honorary mom you want...not to replace mom, but to take care of the emotional and nurturing needs you have right now. I am serious about this hon. You have perhaps heard of the big brothers, big sisters program. They match you up with someone. It may not be someone around your moms age,likely college age and you may need to qualify somehow since social workers are supposed to keep tabs on the both of you to see how things are going. I still vote for finding your own mom substitute. Maybe your step mom is perfect. If you like her but don;t get that motherly feeling from her,tell her what you are hoping to do, find an honorary mom for your self. And as much as you love her, she doesn't inspire in you the feeling of mom and you feel you don;t click enough. Ask her if she'd still be interested in helping you find that person, perhaps one of her girl friends is willing and perfect. Your dad and step mom will need to know what you're doing and who you are meeting with so they can rest assured you are in the best hands. Good luck dear.
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