|
why does my mum always want to hurt me?
I'm 24 n dating a guy younger than me, we together for a year n our parents are aware we planning to get married next year.
My mom was on hospital for 10 days, I visited her twice a day n took cooked food n snacks! My bf visited every evening. Mum was released friday and I've been taking care of her since, sunday her brother flew down from another city to visit her. He never called once before saturday to find out anything , sunday evening mum asks my bf to hide in the room as her younger brother is coming to visit.she said her brother will insult her n ask questions as my bf is not rich . I found that rude n disgusting considering how much my bf has done , I then said I am going to go out for dinner with my bf and she can spend time with her brother ! She always worried what her brother says and puts him first, since sunday she has been sending me n my bf bad msgs calling me a bitch n telling me to leave her house ! This is not the first time !
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Your mom has a longer history with her brother. Yes she may be afraid of his behavior. Whether she ever tried standing up to him in her life or not, we don't know. If she is acting so insulted, she may have learned that there is no way to every win any stance or argument with her brother,your uncle, and was simply wanting to save you the heartache of an uproar from him targeted on you and bf. From how you wrote, it sounds as if your Mom was accepting of him no matter what his financial status. Maybe it wasnt the best way to do it but if I got a call that a very difficult relative was on their way about to knock on my door, honey, I would have panicked too as I wouldn't have had the luxory of time to think it out. And loving my daughters as I do, I would not have wanted them and their boyfriends to get verbally attacked by him. It's early on, your bf may not know about all the other people in your family yet. I don't know what you said to mom. But I'd say her feeling are hurt by what you said or even the horrified look on your face would be enough. You came up with the best idea..leaving the house quickly to go out to dinner to leave her time with her brother. I think you may want to give her time to get over her anger and then you need to talk. Find out if my scenerio is what was really going on and if so, then apologize and thank her for wanting to protect you and bf, should say fiancee, from the uncles tirade. Either way, you need to find a way to repair things with mom so that you can have a wonderful wedding with her being a big part of it. You may want to discuss what to do about the uncle in that scenerio....invite him or not. If might seem best to not invite but he will hear from someone and wonder why he never knew you were engaged, and why he wasn't invited. So at some point in the future you may hear from him unkindly anyways. Or ask her if she thinks it is okay to invite him but with ground rules. You may write inside the invitation that he was never told about your engagement because of the family knowing how opinionated he can be. Everyone else approves of your fiancee and you will marry him. As your uncle, you would love him to be present to experience this important event in your life IF he can be truly happy for you and not become verbally out of control in a way that threatens the joy of your wedding. You will appoint a couple people to escort him off the premises if he can not be kind or he has the choice to not attend the wedding. And do appoint a couple beefy friends who would be willing to play the bar bouncers if needed.
]
I can't tell you why your mother is like this. I had an Aunt who was a lot like her. She played her daughter against her son to the point that neither speaks to the other. While my Aunt was alive I was the go between for them. Once my Aunt passed neither wanted anything to do with each other.
I tell you this to show you that you are not the only one with this particular problem. I will add this; that if this is something new in her behavior since she has been ill then you need to discuss this with her doctor.
If not then you are 24, an adult who is about to get married and hopefully have a family of her own. Live your own life and let your mother live hers. You can be there for your mother when you need to be if you want to be.
Do not let her poison your children when they come along with her style of parenting, which this can be called. Your children are yours to raise and if your mother takes issue with you. You politely but sternly tell her to mind her own business or you will limit her contact with her grandchildren.
At this point in your mothers life, if this is not new behavior for her, you will not be able to change her. What you can do is limit your exposure to it as well as your children's exposure when they come along.
]
More Questions: |