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Ho can I encourage my spouse to go towards betterness in life?
We've been together for 9 years now, and I still get so frustrated with him. We have 3 children together, I do everything, house cleaning, work, take care of the kids, I keep up with the routines with the kids.
He watches television all day, does not help with the house, tells us what to do all the time, what to eat, drink, tells us to go towards health, that's fine for me but he does not do it himself, he drinks a lot, wants to start smoking pot again, sits on the couch all day.
I'm so tired of him telling us what to do, how to do it, what and how to say things to other people.
He tries to get angry when I try talk to him that bothers me about him. I feel his always against me in everything, he asked me questions about myself and my answers are never right for him.
He thinks he has me figured out but he has me all wrong, but he won't get that because I'm wrong.
He gets angry at the kids when they make mess and I don't like that because why should he have the right to be angry with the kids making mess when he won't take the effort to clean up.
He goods in many ways too, he provides to the family very well but it's changing too in that area, he's trying to be a stay at home dad while I attend college, which I think is making him want to be at home than working, I told its more benefit for the house if I'm at home, since I would keep up with the house work, and he says you'll have something to do after work.
I have no one to talk to, and I don't want to send bad vibes about him, just want someone to understand and what ways can change so that he will make changes for the better for himself and the family.
I've tried to talk to him about these stuff but it doesn't get anywhere, he won't accept it and not take responsibility. He can't even apologize.
I keep hoping for a great outcomes but it seems so far away.
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Unfortunately the chances of changing your husband at this point are slim and none, and slim has already left the building. Why is he this way? There could be many reasons, the most prominent one is this is how he was raised in a home where mom did everything and dad sat there and barked orders.
Frankly it was how I was raised and being the only male child of a small family I was also spoiled by the entire family. The difference between your husband an me? Not all that much until I had a life threatening event and now I can't do much but since I am disabled and home all day I do what I can to lift the load my wife has to carry. I don't recommend your husband have a life threatening event as a wake up call.
If you want to change your husband you are going to have to make it be his idea. Some women withhold sex to get there man to cooperate. This does not work and puts you in a position of being raped by your husband as other women who have tried this have.
Instead you have to give him options or trade offs to help him make things his idea. An example might be something you cook that he really likes. If it is something he asks for often tell him that it is quite a bit of work and you have all these other things that need to be done, then list them. If he wants this meal bad enough he might be willing to do one or more of the chores you have to do that day in return for you making his favorite dinner.
Whatever it is find away to put him in the position of having to trade off for it. Eventually he you won't have to ask him he will just do it.
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I understand you not wanting to say anything bad about him and I am taking what you say as simply reporting the facts. I used to be married to a man like that except for the part about being at home instead of working, he sounds alot the same.
I understand how frustrating it is. Because you have children with him, you feel totally committed to being with him, even if it makes you unhappy. You also need to think about the effect his behavior has on the kids. If both parents aren't doing the same and showing a united front in how they raise the kids, the kids will be affected by this psychologically. My 3 daughters were affected by it. They are finding they have issues now as young adults because of how he treated them.Thank God that what I did to give extra loving when dad hurt them or upset them, helped them to turn out fairly normal. So I will say that you must think about your kids when you decide what you need to do.
Here's the bad piece of news. No one can change another person. The only one you have any control over changing or growing for the better is yourself. And you can do that but it isnt going to help your situation. Some people have to hit rock bottom in their life and be very miserable before they decide to start making some changes. Some people never change enough to save a marriage. And others never change at all. There is no guarantee that hubby will change during your marriage.
So you need to ask yourself, can I handle things continueing on just as they are without any change for another 6 mos... likely you can easily say sure...I've done it so far. A year then or two? Yes...but you know you wont like it. Now ask yourself, it's been 9 years already, and you see yourself putting up with this, no complaints for another 5, another 10 years? I gave myself the same pep talk at 30 yrs of marriage. But once I got to imagining 10 more years of my life with my ex with no improvement, I broke down and wept. I could not put myself through that. I was loyal by character trait but it wasnt helping him or me. In fact, at about 12 yrs of marriage, the stress of putting up with it began to have affects on me, on my health. I was a Christian and prayed and only God kept me sane and kept my self esteem in tact. But the strain still affected my body.
What I am saying is that this could possibly affect your health, increase in headaches, tight stressed muscles, problems sleeping, depression, stomach ulcer, etc...I got all that and my blood pressure went up too.
<Suggest he go for marriage counseling. Both of you will get your chance to speak and the counselor is intelligent and will be able to tell if hubby is telling the truth or exaggerating or embellishing his story. So dont be afraid to try this. But of course you'll need to get him to attend. The only thing that might get his attention is saying if he doesn't go, that you will want a separation until he is willing to go. But you have to be willing to give him ultimatums. Then its up to him to decide how much he wants to keep the marriage and improve things for the sake of you and the kids. He might really apply himself, or just go through the motions to please you cus he went to counseling. MIne did that. But it didn't produce change. So you will have to have a list of what things need to change. Just stick with it if he doesnt change, because if you give in, he'll know he can get away with anything just like training a child who sees you arent seriously going to stick with meteing out the consequences, and the child becomes an uncontrollable brat.
You are not in an easy situation. Also, if you believe in God, pray for insight, or listen to your inner voice, your gut feeling, because often, thats your angels or God talking to you. I wish you the very best honey.
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I am sorry but I think you should consider marriage counseling. This is generally the last straw before filing for divorce.
It takes two, To make it work not one. If he isn't willing to listen and respect you and help out then your marriage is going to continue to sit on the rocks.
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