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lost feelings for boy friend of 5.5 years
I am a 24 year old girl who is dating a 25 year old boy for 5.5 years now.
in the last 3 years I have had mixed feelings for him. I have lost interest in our relationship and wanted to break up but I didn't have the heart to hurt him. I have thought about other guys and wanted to see what else was out there. we had breaks in the last 5 years and have suggested to break up but he didn't want to so I stayed and we made up.
we are currently on holidays and its still early into our trip and I feel Unattracted to him. I don't want to be with him but I can't tell him now whilst on holidays.
his a great guy. his nice and caring. doesn't get angry at me with me for whatever I've said and done. he puts up with me. but there are other traits I want in a partner that he doesn't have. when I am angry he doesn't ask what's wrong. he tries to pretend nothing happens. we don't talk as much as couples do. when I try to make a conversation I get short answers like "ok" or he just laughs, it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall most of the time. his not romantic or spontaneous. we joke a lot & that makes me feel that we're more like friends than couples. I know it's my fault too but I really can't see a future with him, not a happy one at least.
I don't know if I was even in love..
I don't know how to break it to him. I get emotional when I need to express it verbally.
is it too late to start over with someone new? .....
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Yeah, five years is about the limit. Seven if you have a kid. I'm sorry to say, but love ("limerence" - look it up) isn't forever. If you don't have anything else keeping you together, then its over.
Why can't you tell him while you are on holidays? There isn't going to be a good time to do it. As it stands, you are going to blurt it out sometime when you are angry, and that's no good for either of you.
"Woman up" and do it.
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If you were turning 19 when you met him, that explains why you have are having doubts if he's the only serious dating you have ever done. The dating experience is all about learning what you like and don't like about a guy, which guy you still have the sexual chemistry with after a handful of months when the NRE New relationship energy has worn off.
You have already stated, you don't want to be with him. It sounds like you already know something is not right, even if you aren't sure what that something is. While most relationships are not anything like fairytales, when with the right person, you experience more joy in life simply because this person is at your side, everything! This joy would include even mundane tasks such as grocery shopping and doing dishes together. When you are apart for a short while, like work or some other event, both of you feel like something is missing, a part of you and both of you look forward to being in each others presence, even if you aren't doing anything special. When with the right person, you both want to support and uphold each other in what you are feeling, through personal goals, each validating the importance of what is going on in the mind and heart of the other. At times you catch his eyes darken with passion for you, just glancing at you across the room, the same as when you first met. You never tire of each others company.
And since conversation you feel is an issue, heres what I feel about that. Consistent communication will provide your relationship with the strong threads that weave through it to become a beautiful tapestry. In the beginning it is wise to discuss expectations, hopes and dreams and prioritize whatever things need to be tackled. If not done in the beginning it can be started at any time. As you get to know each other well you’ll know when is a good time to approach to talk, when to give your partner time and space to unwind, or private 'bubble time”. Under the heading of communication would fall the paying of compliments and being encouraging towards your partner, building each other up. Though he still has some weight to lose, I tell my husband how handsome he is to me, as is. Because I truly mean it, a wonderful thing happens. When we feel loved and cherished and secure in the attention we get from our partner, it spurs us to want to become even a better person for them. When information is not withheld but shared freely, then trust will continue to grow stronger. This is what you are likely shooting for but didn't know what it was called or how to put in words. Do you have any of this with him? If he is all this with you, then you do not need to go exploring the what if's that you never had a chance to date around. But if either one of you do not feel that for the other, it won't work. Good intention alone from one person isn't enough to carry a relationship. I have a quote that goes: Happily ever after doesn't happen just because you wish it so. It happens only when both partners put in maximum effort to make it so. And that means there needs to be a strong enough mutual attraction or one of you will not put in the effort needed to make it work. Doesn't mean either of you failed at a relationship, just that you were not with the right one to begin with. Hope this helps you out. If you decide you need to break it off and you cant say it face to face, write it in a card or letter and hand it to him asking him to read it all first and then have a face to face conversation with you. You can make your points and illustrations from logically when you are not wrapped up in the emotions of the moment. But you must be willing to still discuss in person after he's read it. Reassure him its not him, just that he doesn't feel like the right person for you and no one should ever have to change themselves to be right for someone.
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I don't know if it is ever to late for anything. Your boyfriend also sounds like a great guy who will take care of you and someone you could raise a family with. It sounds to me more like the seven year itch has come to you a bit early.
I can't tell you what to do this is something you have to decide for yourself. What I can do is suggest you two seek couples counseling. There must have been something there in the beginning. Now five years later you or at least he has fallen into a comfort zone.
My wife and I will be married 42 years as of next month. To be honest we do not have much to talk about. I was disabled eleven years ago in an auto accident and forced to retire early. My wife still works so I stay home all day with the dog. We no longer have our two jobs to talk about. Over dinner she tells me about her day. Mine really doesn't vary. We discuss the news or some current events, maybe something that is going on in the family. All of this doesn't take up much time. Then we sit down to watch TV and maybe we discus tomorrows dinner.
What I'm trying to say is we do not need to do a lot of talking. After a time a certain comfort level comes about where just having the other person near you is comfort enough. No discussions beyond what is necessary is required. We have moved beyond that which is required of dating.
As for spontaneity; that would be nice and I can see your need for it. This is where couples counseling comes in. I am suggest this because it may just be you are throwing the baby out with the bath water. You may just be giving up on a relationship that has become complacent or fallen in to a comfort zone and you don't know how to address it. A competent couples counselor can help you fix this.
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