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How do I break up with my suicidal girlfriend who loves me?
I am a 17 year old boy. I have been with my girlfriend for about 5 months now. When we first started dating, she was really into me but I was still a bit iffy, which probably was a mistake. Since then, she has really fallen in love with me and tells me often, but I don't quite feel the same way. I do love her and care about her a lot, but just don't feel as good about the relationship as I used to. The only thing is, dating me took her out of a deep struggle of depression which included lots of self-harm. She is very happy to be with me, but I am scared that I am her only sense of happiness and breaking up with her will send her back into depression and she may hurt herself, or worse. The one time we discussed breaking up, she cut herself, but then regretted it and told me she would never do it again. But still. What do I do? I feel pressured to stay in the relationship, and I am still not 100% sure if I want it to end.
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I'm a girl, but I've been in a similar position. My (now ex) boyfriend used to talk about suicide whenever we would get into arguments. I wasn't entirely sure that I wanted to break up with him, and I was worried that he would attempt suicide, so I was also afraid of breaking up with him. Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore, and I broke up with him. He didn't take it well, but he didn't harm himself, either.
First of all, you have to be 100% sure you want to break up. Otherwise, you may quickly get back together and have one of those annoying on-again, off-again relationships. I would talk to a friend about your reasons for wanting to call it quits, and then asking them what you should do. If you hesitate at their answer (like if they say you should stay together, and you start thinking of reasons why you SHOULDN'T be together, then you probably truly don't want to be with her, and vice-versa).
I would also speak to her about it. If you're familiar with any of her friends, perhaps they can help you with this; talk to her about how you want her to be happy, but you really feel like you need time to be single. Tell her that you'd like to get her into therapy (if she isn't already) and that you would help her talk to her parents, etc. Offer yourself up as a non-romantic support system. You need to help her find other ways of being happy that don't involve you. Her friends/family can help with that.
Good luck!
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Is she getting professional help? Has she ever gotten professional help?
That's what she needs. But I think you should talk to an adult about it. If you can, talk to her parents. Tell them that you care about her but you feel pressured to be with her because she struggled with depression and you're scared she might fall back into it. Also mention how she cut herself the last time you mentioned it.
If not her parents, talk to a school counselor. Tell them what you told us and they'll probably call her parents and try to figure something else.
Since you're still iffy on your feelings and if you want it to end. You need space. You need a break and you need to figure it out.
Don't stay with her and try to figure out how you feel because right now, your her source of happiness and she needs to be happy with herself before rather than go to a boy for happiness.
So you can't handle this alone, you need to get some help and talk to someone to help your girlfriend.
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As harsh as it may sound, She is a burden to you. Her depression and self harm is something that needs to be addressed professionally, You cannot fix it.
You're obviously unhappy and you need to put yourself first, Nit sacrifice yourself for the sake of others. As you hold onto thread, You will burn yourself out trying to put 100% while she is mentally able to give back 50% at this time.
If she hurts herself, The responsibility is not on you. You do not control the minds of others. This girl is clingy, needy and desperate for your attention. This is not a healthy relationship nor independent. Until she seeks professional help, You need to leave the relationship. Allow her to help herself and grow and sometimes people learn when they have no other choice dear.
One cannot love another if they don't love themselves. A relationship tends to fail if one partner depends to much on the other. In this case, You are her way out of avoiding the fact that she needs help. We can care about someone but we can't allow ourselves to be dragged down either as you have a life of your own to live. You could be off wirh someone eles who is fun, happy and isn't a burden to be around. Sounds like you should find her and not allow yourself to be held back. Fact is, There is no nice way to leave a relationship. A part of life is pain, People grow apart and we go our separate ways. Sure, She may be hurt but she will eventually get iver it. Perhaps this is what she needs in order to focus on herself. We can prolong the pain or we can end it. Choice is yours my friend
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Anyone who enters a relationship in a state of lack personally, is going to lean totally on another person for strength and for purpose to live etc...
That is not a healthy place to be for your girlfriend. You are instinctively picking up that there is something not healthy about your relationship. Whether now or later in life, if you end up having a girl dependant on you for her happiness instead of generating it within herself, then you will be unhappy. So its not her...its the situation. Plus, not to mention that it sucks you emotionally dry.
If you allow it to continue, you enable her to remain stuck and not grow past what issues lie deep down inside of her that neither you nor I can help her with. I am not saying to break up. Read on:
She needs a professional counselor. And she needs to be willing to go with the program and improve. There's a possibility she's not ready and that's her choice. You need to go talk to a school counselor and tell them everything you told me and any more that pertains to this. They need to know her reactions to your discussing breaking up.They need to know she's been depressed before. The counselors then have the responsibility to tell her parents. Perhaps she already has been to counselors. Perhaps she has been prescribed anti depression meds and they arent working but her parents assume it works. Or maybe she isnt taking her meds which is a great concern and must be addressed by parents and a psychiatrist. Or worst possible case yet, she is suffering a form of mental illness that is easily treatable and she could lead a normal life but nobody is seeing the signs and she has not yet been diagnosed.
Make sure you stress that you don't want to have to go through life with a feeling of guilt if she went to the point of committing suicide all because you wanted to end the relationship.
I understand that you aren't sure you want to end it, that you see something in her that you do like, but you need to say something that gets the adults in charge to take this seriously and look into it.
I want to commend you for being so alert to the feelings of others and caring enough to ask for help. Blessings to you and may all go well for both you and for her
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